Category Archives: Foster/Adopt

Kisses after bedtime

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I’ve always been a bit infatuated with taking pictures of my WonderBOY sleeping – I think as all boy moms can attest to…..when their energy, rough edges, fart giggles, and aggression wanes for the day and their sweet vulnerability shines through, they are kinda irresistible.

We are in a rough season with this little guy right now…..seeing some regression in behaviors along with an increase in violence toward us (but mostly me – his safe person) and sometimes when he’s sleeping, I lean over to kiss him hoping they seep in through his cheeks and into his brain to assure him that he is loved, he is safe, and that he can forge a different path than what his genes are telling him to.

I  pray these kisses travel into his REM cycles and steal the scary nightmares around us leaving, us dying, and people from his past hurting him that cause him to wake up countless times in the middle of each night.

I fantasize about each kiss taking a false wiring of his brain and re-wiring it to a new belief that he can solve problems with his words and his wit. That they wrap his new learning in hugs and safety blankets to save them there forever.
And mostly, I give him kisses upon kisses because soon he will not be sleeping in my bed when Daddy is at work…..he will not come snuggle me at school because he got mistreated at school and chose to fight back instead of tell an adult…..he will be too embarrassed to seek me in public when scared or overwhelmed – I count these moments and save them in my brain forever because I know they will not last.I can’t wait to watch him grow up and become the man that he was created to be. But with that is fear that we can’t rewire fast enough….that we can’t teach him new ways complete enough…..or sometimes just that we might just not be enough. I am trying to combat this with reminders to increase my faith and trust and prayers….and until those produce an outcome – let the snuggle and smooth therapy continue.

Disney Cruise highlights

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So much fun to share – it may take many blog posts to fully do this magical trip justice. Also, I realized on the ship the beautiful irony of us being aboard the Disney WONDER celebrating the adoption of our two littles I chose to call my “Wonders” here on the blog almost 4 years ago. ❤️ Here are a few highlights:

1. The room – I was so impressed with the room…. super comfy beds, fairly spacious bathrooms (one for toilet, one for shower, both with sinks and mirrors), and plenty of storage space for clothes and toys. Since my kiddos needed down time each day we did spend a fair amount of time in ours and especially loved the non-stop choices of Disney movies and shows on our tv. 2. The dining experience – it’s really not enough to just say the food. Although the food was soooo delicious, the ambiance in each of the three themed restaurants coupled with a waiting staff that stayed with us every night was awesome. Our sweet waiter Sean from Ireland had Shirley temples with extra cherries waiting for Tre each night and Alvito brought me every single dessert to try even when I tried to say I only wanted one. Our favorite restaurant was Tiana’s place set out of New Orleans – it felt like Mardi Gras. In one of the restaurants, our drawings came alive in real animation alongside Disney characters! How cool is that?!?3. What to do, what to do – Disney really has the activities thing nailed down on these cruises. So many choices all throughout the day and night – it was hard to choose each morning how to schedule our days! Both WG and WB absolutely loved their own spaces and the activities for them (and meeting new friends from all over there). Everything was seamlessly scheduled and organized that it could be relaxing and busy all at the same time! We loved watching movies both in the fancy movie theatre (Coco and Last Jedi) and on the Jumbotron at the kids pool/deck. 4. Bahamas beach time – as many of you know, WB loves the sand so spending an entire day in Nassau was quite a treat. Unlimited coconut drink for Mama, water and sand time for the kiddos! 5. Characters and shows – at Disneyland the lines for meeting characters are so long, it’s hard to justify missing out on rides for the autographs and pics. On board, there are multiple meet and greets every day AND the characters interact in the kids club all day alongside the kiddos so those long lines aren’t even necessary. I loved how the characters changed outfits according to the daily themes (pirate, Christmas sweaters, beach day). The broadway level shows in the theatre were also amazing – it even snowed inside during Frozen!If you are thinking of a family cruise, you must consider one of these Disney options – soooooo worth the money for the quality of the cruise (rooms, programming, food) but also for the magical memories of doing all of these things together. Talking about the kiddos club activities each night was my favorite part of the day! And plus, there was lots of time for adult time in our private pool and area along with adult only programs and bars (4 different adult bars on board!) while the kids are away enjoying every moment. (this is us on Christmas Day watching the NFL game in our private booth with our own TV, beers and snacks)

And I almost forgot – they always have professional photographers on hand to capture these moments. Since we have never gotten official family photos done (and we don’t get dressed up all that often) – I loved this option and can now use some of the images for New Years cards since Christmas cards didn’t happen this year. Thanks for making your way through that novel. Happy New Year to you and hope to “Sea”? ya in 2018!!!

One year as Team Hoelzle Brown…

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As many adoptive families know, family celebrations carry this dual impact of excitable joy and uncontrollable grief. The tension of those two things fighting for space in our Wonders’ heads and hearts this week has been and continues to be huge.

But tonight, I lay here grateful that they said yes. Grateful the system worked to protect these two. And grateful for the coming forever years we get to continue loving them, protecting their bodies and hearts, and walking alongside them in their grief. If new here, click here to read our adoption day story.At dinner tonight, I was brought ice cream with a candle for my own birthday and as I blew it out, WonderGIRL said “I’m guessing you had nothing to wish for since you told me all your wishes came true when you adopted us.” And while that is true – my wishes are now only multiplied into bigger wishes for how WG and WB  and all other brave kiddos we love on will get to grow and thrive in their future.

I also want to make a plug that there are bunches of kids in this county (I get an email daily telling me the desperate need) who are wishing on every candle and every star for a loving family that will step into the gap and take a chance on vulnerable littles (and even more vulnerable teens!). Follow your heart….ask questions….get involved. Saying yes, if just in your heart for now, is the first step.

On being the keeper….

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This Facebook post got me to click….and keep reading….and feel united with millions of other keepers around the world and I so appreciate these gems late night in bed while my brain is refusing to shut off. 

It also got me thinking about my own journey with the “weight and overwhelm” of being the keeper and how surprisingly, it has felt far from heavy on most days. In the past year, some amazing books have stumbled across my path that have helped me review and re-align my life and my time management especially now with kiddos in our mix. The messages from these authors have shifted my mindset of time (and stuff) from one of scarcity (needing more) to abundance (I have what I need). 

I won’t go into detail about each one but will let you peruse if wishing to do so (or if you have time to do so) but I did post them in rank order of how much I would recommend it – happy reading and happy “keeping” all!!!!

On hospitality….

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A few years back, Scott and I took a class at our church diving deeper into our faith and as most reflection classes do, this class encouraged us to explore what our “spiritual gift” was and how that played out in our life. At the time, I thought “teaching” or “leadership” would totally be on top of my list and since I always guessed my Seventeen quiz outcomes correctly…..surely this would turn out as I wished as well (spoiler alert – the answers are on the next page). But as the final page popped up and right at the top of the list, winning by a long shot was HOSPITALITY, I remember being severely disappointed.

“Really God? I’m good at throwing parties? That’s not going to change the world!!!!” I thought and as any good 3.98 high school graduate student would do, I promptly went back to the start and took the quiz again so I could get more right answers than I got before. I changed at least 10 of my answers and still got HOSPITALITY. Grrrr…..

And then I moved on from that harrowing experience of not being able to retake a quiz for “more credit”….because well adulting means those stupid quizzes don’t matter right?

Fast forward to NOW and the act of HOSPITALITY is quite possibly the foundational piece of my home, my heart and my marriage and something we live out (and have to remind ourselves is a GIFT) on a daily basis. By definition, hospitality means “the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.” We generously give what we have (right now rooms and beds in our home, our hearts to kiddos who need it the most, and our resources to whoever and wherever needs it). So…. long story short (k 500 words short)…..as a message at church a few weeks back encouraged the congregation to use their gifts and not hide them within themselves, my memory of this test from years before and my utter disdain at the results was ironic to say the least.

I am proudest of this gift and how it lives outside of me in the following ways:

These three little beings below filling our home with love, laughter, and the need for protection and the hundreds of others I get to generously welcome and love on at school. Meet our newest special houseguest, BraveGIRL…..one of WG’s friends that we’ve loved for many years and now we get to love her tighter and closer (plus look what she does for our collective height average).

One of my FAVORITE parts of my career as an elementary school counselor in the past couple of years has been WELCOMING new counselors or interns into the field and mentoring them through their first year(s) of what sometimes is a heart-wrenching, “who would want to put themselves through this?” kind of job. Pictured below are a few school counselors in my new district that I am very excited to work with this year.

I’ve said this many times before, but I do long for people stopping by my house whenever they want to and coming in for coffee/wine/Cougar Gold cheese/free scratches from our devil cat or whatever your heart desires. Now you know the true reason behind this longing…..well God told me I was good at it and sometimes, you just can’t retake the quiz and have to be okay with the results.

 

GLS – Day 2

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Some more recaps of the sessions I was honored to listen to at last week’s Global Leadership Summit.

Laszlo Bock (Google advisor) –
Nuggets: Meaning matters – figure out what career/job means to person. Are they values we talk about or values we live?
Action: Keep each players’ objective and key results visible and check in on them often.

Juliet Funt (CEO, my favorite speaker!!!) –
Nuggets: Taking time during day for “strategic pause” is where ideas can grace us with their presence. We are too busy to become less busy. White space is the oxygen that allows other things and ideas to catch fire.
Action: I love this whole idea and have read other Personal Development books about how important space and breathing time is for our brains and our bodies, especially in today’s world. I am excited about bringing this to my work with my own kiddos and at school. This should probably warrant it’s own post because I love talking about it so much.

Marcus Buckingham (author) –
Nuggets: Make the individual feel special WHILE integrating into the team. Me and We is equally important. Human beings are unreliable in rating other humans. Most success found by having frequent strengths-based check-ins about near-term future work.
Action: Give attention, not feedback to my players. Have them rate their own feelings on team values and individual strengths. (I’m really excited about following this adventure/research project).

Angela Duckworth (University of Penn researcher on GRIT – one of my favorite topics as many of you know) –
Nuggets: Talent x Effort = Skill, Skill x Effort = Achievement (Talent does matter, but effort counts twice). “I love you so much that I won’t let you quit just because you’re having a bad day.”
Action: I already am all in on the GRIT front but if you want to assess your own grit go to this website and see how you measure up.

Gary Haugen (CEO, International Justice Mission) –
Nuggets: All learning is useless if fear is present. Most powerful force between knowing and doing is how much fear is present (“fear is the silent destroyer of dreams”). Increase the community of courage around someone when fear is present.
Action: Decrease fear in players and students I work with. Teach staff about fear robbing the brain of it’s capability to learn/act/follow directions, etc. Take quiet time in mornings to “prepare my interior” for the day. Label fears when they creep in and make a plan to defeat them.

Whew!!!! That was a lot but if any of it intrigues you, I HIGHLY recommend you google some of these speakers and websites and see what you can glean for your own leadership or personal development.

Update on WonderGIRL

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Many of you have been asking how my little (okay not so little) WonderGIRL has been doing after a rough end of middle school and through this summer transition into high school. Thank you for caring about her and us and our household enough to ask these questions knowing that the answer might not be (and most likely won’t be) the coveted “miracle” transformation of a young girl saved by her adopted forever family.

I don’t share a lot of WG’s personal story on here because it is HERS and hers alone to share. But I will share my own story and that is one of struggle on how to help, when to not help, when to step back, when to step in and all the decisions and doubt about these decisions creep in to my brain and camp there for days and nights on end.

The beautiful and messy thing with kids with trauma is that when you DO dive into their story and find a counselor/coach/intervention that will help them, all the feelings and all the triggers come back into your world stealing your lovable little person away from you and inserting tantrums and hurtful words around every corner.  While stuffing those memories and those feelings is often the EASIER route….it is not often the healthy one. So I sat back after WG’s 4th counselor moved onto a different career away from a community agency and waited for the RIGHT counselor and a specifically trained counselor in attachment, as my Mama gut knew that THIS piece was so much more important than just talking about her past abuse. Even though that meant our daughter wasn’t involved in every professional’s most urgent suggestion to have her in counseling after she ran away….I knew in my heart this was what needed to happen.

And two sessions in with an amazing new counselor that included lots of tears and attacks toward me but with someone that WG finally trusted…..I am so grateful I did this because we have REAL feelings now people! My once overly numb WonderGIRL is feeling things in a new way and actually talking about them…..these feelings being unveiled right now sound like verbal attacks on me and comparisons to her biological mom and I am sooooo okay with that because I feel like they are memories being dug up within the magical garden of her heart. I don’t garden and I don’t know anything about it but I do know you can’t grow a successful and beautiful garden without dealing with and taking out the weeds.

So to answer your well-intentioned questions about how WG is doing…..we are okay. Tomorrow we might not be and that’s okay too. We’ll do some weeding and then we’ll “water” the garden with love and laughter and watching silly teenage shows together and start again. I am equal parts anxious and excited for her to start her high school career….if for nothing else, we get to insert more trusted adults into her life to teach her lessons about caring adults and felt safety wherever she goes. No matter what classes she takes and what grades she gets in her high school career, this is the most important thing she needs from education right now.

This picture above is what I returned to after a particularly ugly interaction while running around our neighborhood. She left mad but obviously turned a corner and was willing to talk about it when we got home. Love this…..

And when in doubt, turn the camera around and take some silly selfies. The true way to a teenager’s heart…..

On kiddos who feel BIG

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I have talked to lots of parents throughout my years as a school counselor and just mama-to-mama talks about how to help children regulate their emotions. Many times it can feel like you are just along for the ride as they navigate life’s highs and lows (that probably in your opinion shouldn’t even have been a feeling at all) in BIG ways and if being honest, usually in public….with eyes watching….judging……and your cheeks turning red……

I thought I would share some of the tips and tricks I pass along to those parents in order to help their child LEARN how to regulate their own emotions (versus the parents stepping in and doing it for them). I, myself, have one kiddo that feels big feelings on a daily basis and another who is pretty numb and doesn’t show any feelings. And if given the choice, between the two, I would 100% choose the big feelings because these reactions and strategies to regulate them are easily taught and remembered.

Always remember that all feelings are OKAY, but some reactions to feelings are NOT OKAY. When we tell children to NOT feel something, this is suppressing a very real physical reaction in their body and in adulthood, this suppression of feelings can result in lower skills in problem solving and denial of problems that need help/mental health support.

  1. Rate the problem. (NOTE: this does not say “name the problem” – it doesn’t always matter WHAT actually happened, but we can just help the child REACT to the problem).

    Parent: “What size problem is this? Small, medium or big? (for an older child/teen you can have them rate it 1-10)
    ** Don’t disagree with the child’s rating but if you don’t agree, you can say “Okay….I probably would say small but let’s go with ________.**
    If the child says small, I would say “Okay sounds like you can handle that one on your own and move on.”
    If the child says medium or big, I would say “What can we do to turn it into a small or medium problem?”
    (You could teach these beforehand or give a few examples like….take a deep breath and move on, apologize, use calm words to tell the other child ________, etc.)

    This can help the child learn that not all problems are HUGE and that they are in control of choosing how they react.

  2. Choice or choice.
    If you child has a hard time hearing the word no, try to increase the amount of control they “perceive” to have by giving them two choices that are BOTH acceptable to you as the parent. This is especially helpful during transition times or schedule changes.

    Child: “I don’t want to go to bed.”
    Parent: “You can either go to bed now and I’ll turn off your lights or you can choose a book to read for 5 minutes and then turn the lights off yourself.”

    Many times, we are trying to make our children OBEY when the extra 1-2 minutes or extra 1-2 chips at lunch doesn’t matter in the big picture. Children need to know they have control and choices and can make compromises with other people as problem solvers.

  3. Give them time to regulate before a disappointment.
    When a choice isn’t possible and a firm no is coming…..give your child some time to be ready and anticipate their own disappointment.

    Child: “Can I have extra game/screen time?
    Parent: “I’m about to tell you an answer you’re not going to like and it might make you mad. Are you ready for me to tell you?”
    If child says no, then say you’ll ask again in a minute.
    If child says yes, I would say “If you’re mad when I tell you the answer, that’s okay. What strategy can you use if you’re mad? (breathing, go to room, get a hug, etc.). Unfortunately, game time is done for the day but if you ask again respectfully tomorrow, I will add an extra 1-5 minutes onto your screen time.”

    **It’s important to reward a calm and respectful response, even if they are mad.**

If you are parenting a special kiddo with big feelings, I hope this helped you (there are lots more tricks I’ve learned along the way that I would love to share with you). But more importantly, I hope you appreciate that a child with big feelings also means they experience LIFE in a way that is exaggerated and colorful and AWESOME. For the low lows and the big tantrums, there is usually BIGTIME JOY and that is what being a kid is all about.

(check out this big time joy- WonderBOY and his Mickey Mouse pancake at our favorite Everson Cafe 544)

On our new addition…

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Meet Rexie Ralphie Hoelzle-Brown, the newest addition to our team and we are all quite smitten. We have been taking about getting a kitten for a while in hopes to teach our Wonders some more responsibility and to serve as a grounding and comfort object when big feelings and anxieties arise. He has done a wonderful job at both so far!!!

There are also so many parallels in caring for a pet and parenting that we love to point out to WB and WG when processing hard feelings or negative self-talk. Especially when WB loses his temper, his next reaction is remorse and shame in acting out aggressively or meanly. We use his own feelings and love for his kitten and how unconditional that is (even he scratches and bites you 1 million times, you still love him just the same) to show him how we feel about him each and every day.

Our doors are always open if you need a little kitten love and cuddling in your life – come on over and meet him (proof of his love through scratches and bite marks included free for all our visitors).

Happy birthday WB!!!!

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9 years ago my little man came into this world….3 years ago he bounced/raced/collided into our life and changed it forever. (Photos gifted to us by bio Grandmother after disclosing how much of a trigger birthdays are for WB. This baby books gets looked at nightly heading into a birthday….so grateful she gave it to us.)