Tag Archives: fostering

On FCAM

Posted on by

This month is Foster Care Awareness Month. I am partipcating in an Instagram challenge to share different pieces of our story each day. Some of it is hard to capture in words…..partly because it hurts to remember some of it and because I want to be mindful that my children are out there and on social media – sharing their story without their consent is always a hard balance. So I will try to just share my side and my personal experiences……
⁣
? ??? ???????? ?? ????????.⁣
Way more content on trauma, attachment and responding to behaviors needs to be added. As well as secondary trauma and caring for yourself as foster parents. Even for ongoing training hours, all you have to do is watch a movie and give evidence of what you learned. ⁣
⁣
? ??? ?????? ??? ??? ???? ???????? ?? ??? ???????? ?? ????. ⁣
The system has….how much the children cost, the caseload overload of the case worker, reunification requirements of the bio family, checking off due dates for paperwork in mind, and the interest of the children in mind. ⁣
⁣
? ?? ???? ?? ??? ???? ?? “???? ???? ????”.⁣
THAT IS THE POINT. It will be too hard to have that be the reason to not offer a safe home to kiddos in desperate need. The time they spend with us is nothing but planting seeds, watering and tending to the soil, and crossing fingers/hoping there is a bountiful harvest. ⁣
⁣
? ??? ?????? ?? ???? ?????????/supported/funded. ⁣
The system is chaotic. There are no checks and balances, just the subjective opinions of case workers and supervisors. The policies are loosely followed and when asked about them, you as the foster parent will be labeled as “difficult” for questioning their process/motives.
⁣
? ??? ???????? ??? ?? ????? ?? ???? ???. ⁣
Nothing about a foster child’s experience is lucky. They are experiencing grief and have trauma stuck inside their bodies like a toxic poison that refuses to leave. Depending on the age of the kiddo, this trauma comes out in a myriad of ways….most of the time in ways that no one would describe as lucky. ⁣
⁣
? ??? ???? ???? ?? ????. ⁣
Most of them had “love”….as far as they felt it. All they actually need is: safety, boundaries, advocate for healing, consent over their world, a transition support plan after they turn 18…..⁣
⁣
Some of these experiences are just due to unfortunate circumstances in our particular story, others seem universal from talking to others and some are just my opinions formed from experiencing it as a professional trained in childhood trauma and mental health. It can be better….but without highlighting the dysfunction and addressing the complete lack of pay/support for the organization….I continue to be sad for all children placed in and experiencing “the system”. Many foster parents become “one and done” never usually due to the child, but the complete unfairness of loving:caring for the child within the system. ?⁣
⁣
Thanks for reading/listening!!! And per usual as a foster parent, I should say: all of this dysfunction is worth it for the child…..because the outcome of not even trying is so incredibly worse. And YOU may be lucky and get the diamond in the rough caseworker that makes it all worth it for YOU (@rachelbowlden). ⁣

On being the nurturing enemy….

Posted on by

These words. A title for a role I am still working to understand. A role I’m not sure I want on the worst of days. And a role that was gifted to me, I accepted and now am working to grow into…..one day, one trigger, one kiddo at a time. We are battling big time with love and trust with our WonderGirl…..at this teenage crossroads, will she lean in or push us away? Let us protect her or forge out on her own?

In many ways, we are parenting a 3 year old. Someone who knows we are the mom and dad and knows we are safe but still needs to test the boundaries of their independence and new skills. How far away can I stray and those people over there will still be there when I return? And then you add in hormones, same-age peer comparisons and a complete lack of working memory…..and our battles can be exhausting.

So when I come across an article that literally makes me have my own fight, flight or freeze response with complete acknowledgement of all my insides….I just felt compelled to share. For other trauma mamas of course and for our tribes to get some perspective….not for pity but just for grace and understanding. Which is all we really want anyway…..

The most realistic quote I have come across in my years of the foster/adopt world:
“In many ways, the primary caregiver who steps in to parent, raise, and care for a child whose trust has been previously broken is often approached as the nurturing enemy. I have no words to describe how devastating and utterly depressing this reality is. It’s a mixture of hopeless and helpless, with an extra-large side of carnal frustration and a daily sprinkling a Divine Grace that is only ever enough to help you persevere through whatever current challenge is before you.”

Read the full article here.

My sweet WG is amazing in so many ways and I don’t want to take that away from her. She is loving, nurturing to others, a bundle of joy, and the list goes on and on. Many who meet her probably are baffled at my stories based on her behavior in public and social settings. And I am okay with the sometimes divergent path of this parenting journey with her…..it’s part of what we were called to do. And it’s also extremely helpful when others understand the struggle and come alongside us as we set boundaries for her and place expectations and restraints that might be against what THEY view as her needs or us being too harsh to a “normal teenage girl.”

And to all the other “nurturing enemies” reading this, I see you, I feel you, I know we stay in and isolate ourselves to of protection……so please come over for a glass of wine or coffee (or both) sometime. Swear words, slammed doors, and the potential of violence may be an added bonus to your beverage but so will empathy, compassion, and a whole lot of connection too.

 

BraveGIRL stays a while….

Posted on by

As many of you know, a sweet friend of WonderGIRL’s came to live with us on a short-term basis in August and has been a lovely addition to our family. She is 15 and has a heart of gold that we have loved discovering over time. Through some family decision team meetings, it has been decided that BraveGIRL is going to stay with us long term. We hope to set her up for a successful transition to adulthood with some firm boundaries and a whole lot of daily lessons on family, relationships, and healthy decision-making. Also as usual on this blog, her story is her story and I won’t be sharing the story of what brought her to us publicly. Her trauma is big…..but my belief in her and her future is even bigger – which sums up about every single being in this house so she fits in quite nicely!!!!

This transition has included some bumpy roads for our other two Wonders as they navigate what it feels like to share their forever parents’ love and attention. Even though WG and WB are older, I imagine these are typical feelings from a 2 year old toddler with a newborn sibling…..feeling a disruption in the family make-up they once knew to be the end of the world. Rexie has already fallen in love with her, as evident in the quick dashes inside her bedroom as soon as the door opens and lots of snuggles in her lap.

Someone asked me the other night how many children Scott and I plan on bringing into our family….and the answer still remains the same and as simply complicated as ever – “however many God decides to give us.” We are still a licensed foster family and may start to take new placements this summer…..but are also open to considering an international adoption as well. Thank you to our ever expanding fan club for your prayers and support as our family size and structure ebbs and flows both physically and emotionally – we truly couldn’t be staying afloat without you.

 

Grieving from the inside out…

Posted on by

Do these faces look like kids who are grieving????? (especially in that cutie patootie trailer they are posing in?)

Oftentimes, when people get to meet our little wonders, there are comments about how happy they are, well-behaved, polite, lucky to have us, etc. etc. And while those comments are probably true at that specific point in time (WB and WG do their best work in public), there is definitely some grieving going on right now. Evidence – tandem tantrums from the two of them a few nights back in the Target aisles after playing “spy” and hiding from me and then getting lost in the grocery section quickly thereafter – only strangers got to witness that fun adventure. Their grief comes out behind closed doors with us who are now their circle of safety and security. With legal adoption on the horizon (within months!!!), one might guess/assume that the one thing they’ve been begging social workers for since we got them 2 1/2 years ago would be creating some comfort or relief. But in contrast, it has really confused them and they are grieving what I would call “the life that could have/should have” been.

WonderGIRL is still resolving some conflicts around forgiveness and her trauma. Thus, her behavior has been extra defiant and manipulative as of late. We are trying to set boundaries and give appropriate consequences balanced with compassion and then my heart breaks when I hear her ask “Will this make you not want to adopt me?” She messes up and then the guilt from that catapults into so many other conflicting emotions – poor thing.

WonderBOY has always had hard feelings around his birthday and his birth story. The past couple of weeks, bed time has brought about many tears with statements like “I wish I had been born from your tummy” and “I want a re-do of everything that happened to me”. On one day he might be so excited to “be adopted and have a party” and then other days, he truly questions whether or not this is what he wants. We take all of his words and his thoughts at face value and try to provide the reassurance that he needs. Luckily, his self-regulation has gotten to a good point where he can actually talk about his feelings without violence or aggression (thank you counseling!!!!!).

I am writing this post just to reflect and process this point of the journey, not to make any comparisons or seek out sympathy for what we’re going through. Obviously, Scott and I are extremely excited we get to move forward with our family in a legal sense and I hope in some years, we can look back at this point in time and acknowledge how far the kids are going to come with their emotions and behaviors. While grief about their past will not do a disappearing act the day our adoption goes through, we are hopeful that a true “permanent” decision will provide some calm in their hearts and minds.

How far we’ve come…

Posted on by

Our counselor asked us to pause in our session this week to focus on how far our little wonders (and us right alongside them) have come in our 2+ years together. Although I tend to get focused and bogged down with everything we/they need to work on going forward….I realized how important and positive it was for us to sit and dwell on the outcomes of our journey so far as a family. It dawned on me around this past Sunday (our 3rd Easter as T.B.D.) that the themes of sacrifice, a release of suffering, and unconditional forgiveness that go along with this monumental event carry so many parallels to what we have experienced as foster parents and what we aim to gift to WonderGIRL and WonderBOY each and everyday.

IMG_4340IMG_1930A new life for them free of fear, abuse, and loneliness….because He lives. I am humbled by His trust in me to parent two of His most vulnerable loved ones and am grateful He inserted a strong and loyal man like Scott to jump in the deep end with me and drown ride the waves of this life together.

Are you on an epic journey right now? Whether it’s parenthood, self-improvement, breaking free of addiction/abuse/depression or anything else – take a few moments today to pause and reflect on how far you’ve come. Where you started and how many teeny tiny baby steps and decisions it took to get you where you are today….give yourself the credit you deserve for that work and be proud.

Also noticed in the photo journey above – 100 new gray hairs (thank you parenthood) on my head and a consistent love of those trusty brown boots that have lasted an amazingly long time. Good purchase self (practicing what I preach – see above paragraph).

TBD and the roots of behavior

Posted on by

wonderGIRL note

For the past couple of days, our sweet, joyful WonderGIRL has been HARD. Hard to parent, hard to have patience with, and at times, hard just to be around. Yes, yes, I know 13-year olds are already hard, have attitude, forget everything you say, can’t focus, stomp up the stairs, etc……but our 13 year old with a head and heart full of trauma carries a number of triggers that aren’t included in a typical teenager’s arsenal of weapons against their parents. This is where the frustration of parenting is always underscored by the overwhelming sadness of her story and her past, a lifetime of events that we have NO CONTROL over and can never take away from her.

This morning in church after some arguing and tears from WG, I wrote her a note to remind her that I love her. It read….
Dear WG,
I love you even when you argue and even when you drive me bonkers. I love you because you’re you.
Love, Mama

And pictured above is the note I got in return. This note accurately summarizes the triggers behind the behavior that always come back to her past, her abandonment, and her crazy amount of FEAR in us leaving her. It was a powerful reminder that at my peak of frustration, I need to dive into the reason behind her behavior and open the door of communication for her to share her hurts. We call it “clearing the space” in her brain….clear out the hurt and the fear, so she can fill that space with making good choices and thinking before acting.

Many times when I share my struggles in parenting our two wonders, many well-intentioned people share that their kids do the same things. I believe this is an effort to “normalize” my feelings which I do appreciate and it does make me feel better as a rookie Mama. But what they do not see is the difference in our kiddos – their children were most likely raised in a safe and healthy environment where they know that as bad as they act, their parents will continue to love and protect them. Our children do not know that….that is not their baseline. Their brains were formed under the filter of fear (drowned in cortisol/adrenaline, our stress hormone) and thus, we get behaviors that can be more aggressive, more volatile, and harder to influence. And as I have said before, we embrace this difference and we rise to the occasion with creativity, faith, and a whole lot of humor in moving forward with our story.

And just to end on a cute note, check out WonderBoy’s “notes” during service this morning:

IMG_3022

“I love God and you.”