Each month since re-discovering some of Taylor’s newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date.
Death by a Thousand Cuts Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up I get drunk, but it’s not enough ‘Cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier’s still flickering here ‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s ok when it’s not It’s death by a thousand cuts
I dress to kill my time I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be all right They say, “I don’t know” And what once was ours is no one’s now I see you everywhere The only thing we share Is this small town
You said it was a great love One for the ages But if the story’s over Why am I still writing pages?
‘Cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up I get drunk, but it’s not enough ‘Cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier still flickering here ‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not It’s death by a thousand cuts
My heart, my hips, my body, my love Trying to find a part of me that you didn’t touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I’m searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from our paper thin plans
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up Gave you too much but it wasn’t enough But I’ll be all right, it’s just a thousand cuts
I get drunk but it’s not enough ‘Cause you’re not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier’s still flickering here ‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s ok when it’s not No, it’s not
It’s death by a thousand cuts (you didn’t touch) Trying to find a part of me that you didn’t touch My body, my love, my trust (it’s death by a thousand cuts) But it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough, no, no
I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be all right They say, “I don’t know”
Each month since re-discovering some of Taylor’s newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date.
White Horse Say you’re sorry, that face of an angel Comes out just when you need it to As I paced back and forth all this time ‘Cause I honestly believed in you Holdin’ on, the days drag on Stupid girl, I should’ve known, I should’ve known
That I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it’s too late for you and your white horse To come around
Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes And never really had a chance My mistake, I didn’t know to be in love You had to fight to have the upper hand I had so many dreams about you and me Happy endings, now I know
I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it’s too late for you and your white horse To come around
And there you are on your knees Begging for forgiveness, begging for me Just like I always wanted but I’m so sorry
‘Cause I’m not your princess, this ain’t a fairytale I’m gonna find someone someday Who might actually treat me well This is a big world, that was a small town There in my rear-view mirror disappearing now And it’s too late for you and your white horse Now it’s too late for you and your white horse To catch me now
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa Try and catch me now, oh It’s too late To catch me now
No white horse was available for a photo opp this month so this cute foster puppy will have to do.
If you are in my life, you have heard or seen me be converted into a proud elder millienial Swiftie after my childhood friends and I attended her concert in July. I do not apologize for this new obsession because it has brought me a large amount of joy….something that I have needed to fill up my bucket throughout the past few months even more than usual.
Each month since re-discovering some of her newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date.
January’s song: HAPPINESS Honey, when I’m above the trees I see this for what it is But now I’m right down in it All the years I’ve given Is just shit we’re dividing up Showed you all of my hiding spots I was dancing when the music stopped And in the disbelief I can’t face reinvention I haven’t met the new me yet
There’ll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you Both of these things can be true There is happiness Past the blood and bruise Past the curses and cries Beyond the terror in the nightfall Haunted by the look in my eyes That would’ve loved you for a lifetime Leave it all behind And there is happiness
Tell me, when did your winning smile Begin to look like a smirk? When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool Who takes my spot next to you No, I didn’t mean that Sorry, I can’t see facts through all of my fury You haven’t met the new me yet
There’ll be happiness after me But there was happiness because of me Both of these things I believe There is happiness In our history Across our great divide There is a glorious sunrise Dappled with the flickers of light From the dress I wore at midnight Leave it all behind And there is happiness
I can’t make it go away by making you a villain I guess it’s the price I pay for seven years in heaven And I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night now I get fake niceties No one teaches you what to do When a good man hurts you And you know you hurt him too
Honey, when I’m above the trees I see it for what it is But now my eyes leak acid rain On the pillow where you used to lay your head After giving you the best I had Tell me what to give after that All you want from me now Is the green light of forgiveness You haven’t met the new me yet And I think she’ll give you that
There’ll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you too Both of these things can be true There is happiness In our history Across our great divide There is a glorious sunrise Dappled with the flickers of light From the dress I wore at midnight Leave it all behind Oh, leave it all behind Leave it all behind And there is happiness
I just recently listened to this podcast episode (highly recommend), highlighting sister Amanda’s experience with stepping into others’ times of needs and how it has shifted her perspective on asking for help. This naturally had me reflecting on my own recent time of need and how difficult it’s been for me to ask for help, but that when I have, the depth and widening of my support system has become crystal clear and has gotten me through multiple dark days.
The three amazing ladies in this episode remark on the act of HELPING and how sacred it feels to be asked to help. I can reflect on those times in my life that I have been asked to step into others’ time of crisis or need as truly some of the most impactful moments I have been a part of. These times include me walking alongside a player of mine with cancer treatments and into her passing, my work with our county mobile response team helping navigate crisis after crisis in our schools and a handful of other personal cases that are not mine to share publicly here. This also lead to me reflecting on how when I don’t ask for help, I am actually denying others’ the chance to feel this impact and value in my lifein a similar fashion.
And because I have just walked a year long process of navigating depression and a number of ambiguous losses (“a person’s profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with a death of a loved one”), here are some ideas on what could/do help me so that you can encourage yourself to step into that gap for others. We all know that when when we tell someone else, “please let me know what I can do to help”, this RARELY leads to concrete answers (my own self included here) but in hindsight, I happen to have a number of concrete answers so better late than never right?
Offers of LOVE (aka “help”) to someone going through a private or ambiguous loss: – clean their house (hiring someone or coming to do it yourself) – meal offerings (if you’re in my circle, family style Woodstock salad from Guud bowls please and thank you) – invites so that I have items on my calendar to look forward to and reminders that I am not alone – walks to get them outside and moving (with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable), bonus points for night walks in the dark so no one can see the crying – massages or self care (even though this is obvious, I am starting to see the impact of how incredible this experience has been in DISCONNECTING my mind from my body and these kinds of self-care experiences help to soothe that very thing and bring them back together) – texts or phone calls (even when there is no response): No, it will not make them feel worse. Yes, they definitely read each and every one – recommendations of impactful books if they are a reader/researcher (bonus points to just send it to their house without asking) – asking specific questions about counseling and medication support (someone remembering that I have counseling on a certain day and reaching out on that day has been so special and meaningful) – without permission, making plans to come over and spend time with them (again, with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable)
And to my circle, thank you for doing these things so I have a list to even put out in the world in the first place. Thank you for stepping into my darkness and being the light. I hope to offer it back to you as we adventure along this painful adulting journey side by side, year after year.
P.S. A few books to consider if you find yourself or another in need of some reading, acceptance, exploration into the journey of healing:
I’ve been hesitant to write this post for a number of reasons but also am motivated to write this post for a number of different reasons. Some of my blog posts have become markers in time where I can read and experience the emotions that have faded over time – the lessons learned and meaning made from those moments are so important for both growth and gratitude moving forward.
My current goal when synthesizing all that I have endured this year is ACCEPTANCE – in particular, “to use my pain as a source of information about what matters most to me, and then to act on it” (from ACT “core processes” by Dr. Steven Hayes). One step in that acceptance for me is reviewing the timeline of this year to see both the JOYS and the absolute SORROW that made up my 2023. I am sure more processing will come for some of these events but for now I will just simply list and add a few snippets/photos as I see fit. Here we go….
January – Taking WonderBOY to his first Seahawks game – A week into this year, I was informed that I (as coach) was being investigated for bullying due to parent complaints by my school district – Bestie’s 40th birthday celebration in Chelan – Traveled 1-on-1 with WB to Stanford to see my bestie and catch a basketball game
February – Participated in my investigation interview with third party – Traveled to Vegas for Pooh’s birthday – School Counseling conference with so many lovely people I adore
March – Facilitated a school-wide response for community tragedy in area – Unexpected death of a dear friend from graduate school – WonderGIRL got married (my experience of this was complicated at best) – Contract not renewed for coaching due to “results of the third party report” (see June events) and “going in a different direction” (ALL 4 of these events happened within 10 days of each other – enter depression/anxiety like I’ve never experienced before)
April – News article becomes public with commentary flowing freely on the internet – Shania Twain concert with brother and sis-in-law
May – Travel to Mexico for my cousin’s beautiful wedding and time with family
June – First time in 18 years NOT coaching Spring/Summer volleyball – Year 16 of school counseling comes to a close working alongside an amazing staff and T – Fire family and in-law camping trips – Received written reports from third party investigation deeming allegations NOT SUBSTANTIATED (3 months after being fired for said reports)
July – Took WonderGIRL to Vegas for her 21st birthday – Another bestie turns 40 and celebrates in Whatcom County – Death and funeral of an integral teacher and friend in my life – Attended The Eras Tour and became a converted elder millenial Swiftie for life
August – Made the incredibly difficult decision to resign from school counseling position to protect my own mental health and stay true to my values – Once again, grieving the absence of volleyball starting – My father ends up hospitalized for diabetes-related symptoms for one week with extra care needed beyond hospital visit – WonderBOY and Scott travel to Alaska for a family fishing expedition – 11 year wedding anniversary
September – Establish RootedWELL Coaching, my new LLC business adventure
October – WB and Scott travel to Wyoming, WB experiences his first kill – Solo camping adventure for my birthday – Discovery of my husband’s current/recent infidelity (very end of month)
November/December – Grieve my marriage, survive my symptoms, rely on my support system – Start counseling (both individual and marriage) and medication knowing I cannot cope with this particular struggle by myself – Navigate the holidays (and Apple Cup and birthdays) amidst pain and questioning
In these two months, I have cried and felt more than all the times in my entire life put together. If you know me, you know it is very difficult for me to cry and be vulnerable with my emotions (Enneagram 3 problems). This has opened up a number of experiences for me, including true understanding of what it feels like to walk through attachment trauma AND to fully let others in to help support me through this time. And although I am experienced heightened emotions NOW, the loss of so many pieces of my identity in BLINDSIDING fashion this year is really the true source of my pain long-term and my greatest need to rebuild in the new year.
The glimmer of it all – I have seen and been encouraged by the strength of my Wonders as they also navigate this attachment rupture – their mature words, their empathy and care for me, and their focus on their own coping skills reinforces what seeds I so desperately wanted to plant for them in their hearts and minds. It’s been a bittersweet time for me to see those seeds grow and shine in support of me and our family as we walk through this struggle together.
Some folks might be wondering why I’m including some of these details in my very public blog and here is my response – I’ve always felt aligned with my integrity when I share both the ups and the downs of my life. This is no different. I will be sharing MY experience (with consent from my husband)….and just like others have shared theirs with me, it helps to navigate alongside others who have experienced similar things. Compassion after all means “to suffer together” – my hope is that by me sharing, it can help me make meaning of the events from this past year but also might help someone else in the process of reading by being exposed to new ideas/concepts in their journies. That is and will always be my hope for this blog.
While reflecting on past moments for this series, it really changed my perspective on moments that were happening in the actual present. Is this moment significant? What makes it special or memorable? Is this something I should reflect on/document or should I just be in it and feel it? What about this moment is standing out to me?
And what I learned is that so many moments ARE significant, in all sorts of ways. Sometimes positive and special but also some are significant because they are utterly heartbreaking and impact the course of our lives or of someone’s life that we love dearly. In my 40th year, what I know for certain, is that the journey of a life is really a never-ending series of heartaches and pain, followed by resiliency and support from loved ones if you’re lucky enough to have those and then sprinkled with content-ness in between (some bigger sprinkles of time than others).
Some of my heartbreaks and pain the last couple of years have been both professionally at work and then personally within my beautifully and messily created family. And the realization and sinking in that I am replaceable in so many different parts of my world – coaching, school counseling, district leadership and in friendships. And all of those systems and people will keep moving on without me….minus the crew that is tied to me through parenting and marriage. I have adjusted the time and energy I spend on the outside world versus the world within these four walls accordingly…not just physical time but also emotional and mental energy as well.
I just want to add in here that this quote should also be available with he/him and they/them pronouns as I do think the grown ups in the home while parenting are the ones that are irreplaceable, not just the “mom”. K rant over.
Some of my other “moments” from this past year that I haven’t documented include: – WonderGIRL learning her own moments of growth and vulnerability in relationships and work life as she transitions to adulthood – WonderBOY finding his voice in sharing with others how he feels and what he needs to be in relationship with them – Scott and I focusing on date nights and travel with each other….even though we mercilessly tease each other to outsiders, I do enjoy his company quite a bit – little nuggets of love and growth from students at school (the hugs alone are all separate moments I treasure dearly) – saying no to activities that drain my energy – showing up to things that fuel my tank – the opening of the new high school gymnasium and my team’s first match in the facility (okay and winning in 5 was pretty sweet too) – getting ridiculously sick (2 different times) and relying on my husband and Western medicine – 2 cups of brewed coffee at home each morning (bonus moment points to when Christmas lights are involved on a dark morning) – discovering Pickleball along WonderBOY and Scott as a fun and physical family outing – finding a community of like minded professionals in the school counseling world through Tik Tok – experiencing WB getting cut from a basketball program and observing him handle it with grace and maturity – every day in May walking challenge (I definitely want to walk outside more as part of my 2023 goal setting) – Scott and I checking each other non-verbally when chatting with our teens in order to keep conflicts at a minimum (okay I really hate this but know it’s needed) – valuing and loving my body in its present form without constant comparison or criticism from my inner thoughts – Hallford’s visits to my school and his patterns of laying on my chest and purring each and every night – having an emergency foster placement around Halloween time….watching my husband parent him in such a more connected and positive way than 8 years ago when starting out with the Wonders AND having him bond with my volleyball team – said foster placement moving away and leaving my school, breaking my heart open to the possibility of fostering again – critical conversations at work that are making me realize what I want and don’t want as I move forward professionally, working in an education system that is so incredibly flawed but also so incredibly necessary to care for kids – connecting more with my sister in law through our Sunday walks (and Pho dates when we don’t want to walk)
And to end this post, a quote moving into this next chapter of my 40’s:
Because I am an enthusiastic slacker, I didn’t make it to 40 moments BEFORE I turned 40. So I outsourced to a few peeps so they could tell me their fave moments I might have forgotten.
Up first is my sweet husband…for my birthday, I asked for two things. A birthday dinner with all 3 kiddos in one spot and that took some serious wrangling but he did it (with 304 messages and reminders) and I am so very thankful.
We didn’t mean to stand tallest to shortest but here we are.
And for the second request, of course, I asked him to write up his favorite moment with me. Here is what he had to say:
I have had the incredible fortune of spending the last 12 years with my incredible wife patti. We have had our ups and downs as does all couples. I’m beyond thankful to call her my wife through all the highs and lows. Although there has been tough times there have by far been more wonderful times. Too many to count actually. Some things that stand out to me actually come at the beginning of our relationship and pretty recently actually.
One of our first dates was where we took the ferry out to Friday harbor. It was an amazing day filled with good food, beautiful views (Nature and Patti), and the start of someone falling in love with the other. Another important time to me that i am cherishing is our 10 year anniversary to whistler a couple months ago in august (see more of this here). It was a time filled with good food as usual, but more importantly a time to reconnect and remember why we love each other. I am continually thinking of this trip to whistler we just took and how i love spending time with Patti.
Not our first date but another photo on the ferry deck to Friday Harbor!
Happy 40th dear! I love you and you’re just as hot as you were on our first date!
Today, we celebrate 10 years of marriage and if you’ve been following along for any length of time, you know our marriage (like most) have had its share of roller coaster moments. I know that all marriages go through these – but with ours, some of those rockier moments came a bit earlier than to be expected due to a number of factors. Today I wanted to honor those 10 years with 5 moments that are memorable to me in big ways (but possibly are not the same magical moments you might expect one to document from a marriage).
Marriage moment #1 – your disclosure of your childhood abuse Technically this was before our marriage – in fact, it was probably within the first month of us dating which was so very brave of you after repressing your story for 27+ years up to this point. You told me what you had bravely survived and then you told me that you fully expected me to stand up, walk out and never speak to you again after hearing the disclosure. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t.) How I did respond: “This doesn’t change the way I feel about you. The only thing I need is that when you need help to work through it, you will get it.” And you have held strong to that commitment in every sense of the word…..not only seeking out the help you need but breaking down barriers and stigma for others in your line of profession and allowing me to share pieces of your journey here on the blog.
Marriage moment #2 – the day you said yes I told you that two students that had been removed from their home hadn’t returned to school and I was worried. I stalked the CPS worker and volunteered our home for the weekend as was only needed at the time. They needed an answer within the hour. I called you, explained the situation, and asked you to take two traumatized children you had never met into our home for a whirlwind weekend….you said said yes right away with the sweetest words, “whatever discomfort I might have in bringing them home does not compare with the fear they are feeling so yes let’s do it.” That weekend became months, those months became years, and the rest is history.
Marriage moment #3 – hitting rock bottom as a couple I haven’t shared much regarding the incredibly hard 2 years we’ve had navigating WonderGIRL’s transition to adulthood….but it has taken an extreme toll on all 3 of us remaining Team Hoelzle Brown members along with a toll on our marriage. Last Fall, it all came to a head with a gnarly argument where my voice was silenced and bad choices were made as far as communication with WG. But out of that darkness came some self-awareness from you that things needed to change. That the suggestions I was making to you like looking for other forms of trauma healing were needed like EMDR or psychedelic interventions. And while we navigated our relationship in silence and separate bedrooms for a while, you took your healing into your own hands. Relied on your own support network outside of me to keep you accountable and get you to Ketamine appointments. Switched counselors, knowing you were at a stalemate with your current one. You did the work and you are a much better man, father and husband because of it.
Marriage moment #4 – figuring out our biggest conflict In 2018 with both kiddos in school and activities along with our own pursuits, we realized that our biggest arguments came from scheduling and miscommunication about who/what/when in day to day life. At this point, we started having weekly scheduling meetings each Sunday night to go through our week and work things out ahead of time (Cozi, an online app, also helped with this). During this year, we also had a transformative discussion about our relationship values and I encourage other couples to do the same – it’s helped us prioritize some things like finances and schedules along with keeping us grounded together when distractions pull us away constantly. Read more about scheduling and our values in this blog post from 2018.
(HIS) Marriage moment #5 – learning I was right in 2021 *completely his words, not mine! This one is funny from his perspective because when we first got married, other veteran married couples would often offer advice to us as the newbies. 9 out of 10 spouses (usually husbands) would say that the secret to a happy marriage is to always say/assume/act as if “she is always right.” And you HATED that sentiment. You claimed that we didn’t follow other marital/gender norms so why should we follow that one. And while we don’t really use this mantra in our daily functioning, I do appreciate that you are more open to listening to me and my opinions on how things should go in regards to parenting, our mental health journeys, etc. I also think there is a lot to be said for our good communication skills and me growing in my ability to listen to YOU and trust some of your choices and opinions as well.
Thank you for being you and growing alongside me as a spouse and parent all these years. Also, a big thank you for sitting in the ER with me for 6+ hours yesterday and ruining our actual anniversary due to my strep throat contagious period. In sickness and in health….
More to come on our anniversary trip to Whistler (where I probably caught said strep throat) because it was AMAZING and I want to share all the places we found in case you want to travel there too someday.
A lovely friend (thank you Anna) gave me some amazing ideas for specific moments in my life she was curious about. I work well off of a list to check off (enneagram 3 coming in hot here) so let the fun begin….
It was March 2010 and I was coming off of a breakup…my HSLP Elke had agreed to a mission trip to Haiti and asked if I would come along. I needed a little something extra fulfilling in my life at that moment and said yes!
One funny moment happened at the planning meeting before the trip – I showed up in all my Ferndale volleyball gear coming straight from practice and met Scott for the first time. After the fact, he shared that he was 100% convinced I was a high schooler at that point in time (we were hanging with our fave high schooler Julia so that made sense).
Once to Haiti, we ended up having beds next to each other in the church building on site at the orphanage. This meant lots of exhausted moments trying to escape the heat and children crawling all over our laps while said rest was trying to happen.
A lot of time was spent falling in love with the children there and being safe spaces for them to get love and nurturing from.
At this trip, we had a conversation about our intentions to adopt children as the primary way to build our future families and I remember thinking that I had never heard someone else (let alone a male at that time with my circle of peeps) feel the same way I did. Also, on this trip, I got to sit next to Scott on the flight home as he had literal panic attacks from his fear of flying…..I kept him busy with aggressive bantering and tales of Haitian babies to keep him occupied.
A week later, he texted Elke to ensure his odd of a “yes” from me was in his future. We drank too much wine at Scotty Browns on our first date as we spent hours talking about our trip. And the rest is history!!!
A year later, we were fortunate enough to take a return trip to the same orphanage together. Oh did our favorite little Haitian crew (and Julia of course) love that we were dating.
So all of this culminated in my all-time favorite picture of me and my husband atop a Haitian hill at sunset with our little loves playing with garbage and loving us. This picture serves as a quick dopamine boost whenever I need to remember our story, our collective purpose, and the beautiful start of the broken road that led us to each other .
This word directly relates to where I perceived myself to be at on January 28th of 2020 where I made an Instagram story with the following sentiments. “I’m a big goal setter but sometimes I push them back and procrastinate. This month and this year is different (said with a cringe amount of confidence). I’m leaning in and putting those steps out into the universe. I can see now that there are people and things being placed in my path that are meshing and aligning so well for what I’m trying to do. I can’t attribute that to anything else but my purpose coming to light. It’s driving me in a new way and I’m so thankful for that.”
Literally the. next. day, an event happened in my family that would rupture it’s very foundation of safety and my heart. The next month, my position in my district was taken away due to a failed levy. And the month after that, our schools were shut down to Covid-19 along with the rest of the world. So needless to say, my hopes, dreams and positive disposition about “everything happening for a reason and falling into place” was really shot to hell and my heart and mental health was in shambles. My theme song for that year would have been a combination of Alanis’ Morrisette’s “Ironic” and “Shot Through the Heart” by Bon Jovi.
So this year, my word that resonated the most with me is……
What I am hoping to reclaim: – my marriage – a new role as Mom to adults with trauma – the belief in myself as a leader in education – my pursuit of impactful experiences outside of school counseling role (public speaking, writing, podcast, etc.) – prioritizing vacation and travel for our family and myself – saying no to people or experiences that drag me down
Even “reclaimed” my hair which had gotten out of control long since the last time I cut it in March of 2020.
Here is what a fancy Facebook quiz told me about my 2022 and I rather like the final result:
Why does stubborn and independent have to be combined together two times?!?!? Sheesh I get it…..
A few other members of Team HB picked words as well – Scott – GROWTH WonderGIRL – RESTORE WonderBOY – “your mom” (typical answer these days – oh joy)
If you’re interested in checking out my previous’ years words on the blog, just click the “one little word” tag below the post and they should all pop up. 2010- me (the year I went to Haiti and met Scott) 2011- you 2012- us (got married) 2013- rooted 2014- connect (Team Brave Dinosaurs formed February 2014) 2015- (survive), didn’t pick a word out of sheer chaos that was our journey this year including criminal trial and extremely hard trauma behaviors 2016- together (adoption!) 2017- allow 2018- spark 2019- value 2020- vision 2021- heal
