Each month since re-discovering some of Taylor’s newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date.
Death by a Thousand Cuts Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up I get drunk, but it’s not enough ‘Cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier’s still flickering here ‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s ok when it’s not It’s death by a thousand cuts
I dress to kill my time I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be all right They say, “I don’t know” And what once was ours is no one’s now I see you everywhere The only thing we share Is this small town
You said it was a great love One for the ages But if the story’s over Why am I still writing pages?
‘Cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up I get drunk, but it’s not enough ‘Cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier still flickering here ‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not It’s death by a thousand cuts
My heart, my hips, my body, my love Trying to find a part of me that you didn’t touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I’m searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from our paper thin plans
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up Gave you too much but it wasn’t enough But I’ll be all right, it’s just a thousand cuts
I get drunk but it’s not enough ‘Cause you’re not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier’s still flickering here ‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s ok when it’s not No, it’s not
It’s death by a thousand cuts (you didn’t touch) Trying to find a part of me that you didn’t touch My body, my love, my trust (it’s death by a thousand cuts) But it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough, no, no
I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be all right They say, “I don’t know”
Each month since re-discovering some of Taylor’s newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date.
White Horse Say you’re sorry, that face of an angel Comes out just when you need it to As I paced back and forth all this time ‘Cause I honestly believed in you Holdin’ on, the days drag on Stupid girl, I should’ve known, I should’ve known
That I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it’s too late for you and your white horse To come around
Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes And never really had a chance My mistake, I didn’t know to be in love You had to fight to have the upper hand I had so many dreams about you and me Happy endings, now I know
I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it’s too late for you and your white horse To come around
And there you are on your knees Begging for forgiveness, begging for me Just like I always wanted but I’m so sorry
‘Cause I’m not your princess, this ain’t a fairytale I’m gonna find someone someday Who might actually treat me well This is a big world, that was a small town There in my rear-view mirror disappearing now And it’s too late for you and your white horse Now it’s too late for you and your white horse To catch me now
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa Try and catch me now, oh It’s too late To catch me now
No white horse was available for a photo opp this month so this cute foster puppy will have to do.
As many of you know, I love to focus on a word for the year versus resolutions and goals, etc. This seems particularly impactful for me this year as I am longing for and desperately searching for anchors to keep me grounded throughout this period of grief and disentanglement I am experiencing.
Last year, I chose BECOMING and because I chose it so late, I considered continuing it this year because it does capture this period of change, transformation, and growth (in a positive forward-looking kind of way that I need reminders to do).
But after sitting with this for the month of January, I decided to pair it down to just the word “BE.” What has happened in my life in the past 13 months has been stripping, pairing down, undoing many many parts of my life. I have always been a “doer”, a motivated, get all the things accomplished kind of person (enneagram 3 problems). But my body taking over to protect me and sit me down with a variety of gut punch life events has taught me to appreciate honor the space that I am in and not focus on everything I need to do to change it.
What “be” means to me: – to let things be what they are and not focus on what they could have, would have, should have been – to be in my body and feelings – to be a human BEing, not a human DOing (love this quote)
– to be myself and share my story authentically with those around me – to appreciate the roles I hold and continue to get better at them – I want to BE my most favorite version of a mother. A counselor. A disruptor. A mentor and coach. A friend, daughter, sister, romantic partner, etc. – to be present (“wherever you are, BE there” is a mantra I repeat on a regular basis) – to accept and appreciate days when my only job is just to be (and survive), not produce outcomes and check off to-do lists
If you’d like to read reflections on my other words, click the tag below this post to see them all summarized since 2016 (I started this blog 8 years ago!). And per usual, I’d love to read what your words are for this year….I always feel inspired and a spark of connection when I read yours and hope mine does the same for you.
If you are in my life, you have heard or seen me be converted into a proud elder millienial Swiftie after my childhood friends and I attended her concert in July. I do not apologize for this new obsession because it has brought me a large amount of joy….something that I have needed to fill up my bucket throughout the past few months even more than usual.
Each month since re-discovering some of her newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date.
January’s song: HAPPINESS Honey, when I’m above the trees I see this for what it is But now I’m right down in it All the years I’ve given Is just shit we’re dividing up Showed you all of my hiding spots I was dancing when the music stopped And in the disbelief I can’t face reinvention I haven’t met the new me yet
There’ll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you Both of these things can be true There is happiness Past the blood and bruise Past the curses and cries Beyond the terror in the nightfall Haunted by the look in my eyes That would’ve loved you for a lifetime Leave it all behind And there is happiness
Tell me, when did your winning smile Begin to look like a smirk? When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool Who takes my spot next to you No, I didn’t mean that Sorry, I can’t see facts through all of my fury You haven’t met the new me yet
There’ll be happiness after me But there was happiness because of me Both of these things I believe There is happiness In our history Across our great divide There is a glorious sunrise Dappled with the flickers of light From the dress I wore at midnight Leave it all behind And there is happiness
I can’t make it go away by making you a villain I guess it’s the price I pay for seven years in heaven And I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night now I get fake niceties No one teaches you what to do When a good man hurts you And you know you hurt him too
Honey, when I’m above the trees I see it for what it is But now my eyes leak acid rain On the pillow where you used to lay your head After giving you the best I had Tell me what to give after that All you want from me now Is the green light of forgiveness You haven’t met the new me yet And I think she’ll give you that
There’ll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you too Both of these things can be true There is happiness In our history Across our great divide There is a glorious sunrise Dappled with the flickers of light From the dress I wore at midnight Leave it all behind Oh, leave it all behind Leave it all behind And there is happiness
How do you feel like you contribute to the world through your vocation? In my current vocational shift, I believe that I am disrupting a harmful institution that is public education by making efforts to educate and empower folks with children that have experienced trauma to build and create safe spaces for their learning and potential. In my mentorship with school counselors, I believe I am planting seeds of creativity and innovation in the field so that more students are impacted by proactive mental health strategies and social emotional learning that will impact their lives as adults in relationship with others. My greatest pride in the last 16 years of my career is watching school counselors that I have mentored or supervised have meaningful interactions with students, families and staff members knowing them being in that role is making a difference in that life.
A bunch of lovely counselors at our state conference last year!
How do you contribute to your family or friend group on a regular basis? Particularly in response to contributing to my family, I hope that at the of their lives, they will know without a doubt that I loved them UNCONDITIONALLY. That their trauma and abuse was not their fault and that no amount of behavior will change the way I feel about them. HOWEVER, I also hope they learn that without healing, their past hurts will show up and damage other folks in their path. That without doing the extremely hard work of healing, they will be responsible for the outcomes of their hurt and abuse by lying, cheating, seeking control, etc. I heard a quote on Glennon Doyle’s podcast that said “it may not be your fault, but it still is your problem” and that really resonated with me as I work with folks that have experienced abuses and trauma far outside of their control. The other contribution I believe I am making to my children in particular is a simple one….I’m not going anywhere. I am sticking this out with you. I want to support you. When you hurt me, boundaries will need to be put into place, but I will continue to be there/support/love you.
Is there a meaningful giving experience you’d like to plan for in the future? Write about it. One aspect of working with children that I never had sufficient time for as a school counselor was deeply working in supporting the parents. Walking alongside them in navigating for their students’ needs and affirming the hard and exhausting work they are doing while experiencing intensive vicarious trauma. That is something I want to move into with my new business venture….parenting groups, advocacy in school team meetings, personal parent coaching – I am so looking forward to just being in community with these parents and helping wherever I can in their journies. And bonus dream, I would LOVE to make enough money through alternative streams of income, that I can offer these services free of charge. We are nowhere near that goal as of now, but working slowly but surely in making it happen.
I just recently listened to this podcast episode (highly recommend), highlighting sister Amanda’s experience with stepping into others’ times of needs and how it has shifted her perspective on asking for help. This naturally had me reflecting on my own recent time of need and how difficult it’s been for me to ask for help, but that when I have, the depth and widening of my support system has become crystal clear and has gotten me through multiple dark days.
The three amazing ladies in this episode remark on the act of HELPING and how sacred it feels to be asked to help. I can reflect on those times in my life that I have been asked to step into others’ time of crisis or need as truly some of the most impactful moments I have been a part of. These times include me walking alongside a player of mine with cancer treatments and into her passing, my work with our county mobile response team helping navigate crisis after crisis in our schools and a handful of other personal cases that are not mine to share publicly here. This also lead to me reflecting on how when I don’t ask for help, I am actually denying others’ the chance to feel this impact and value in my lifein a similar fashion.
And because I have just walked a year long process of navigating depression and a number of ambiguous losses (“a person’s profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with a death of a loved one”), here are some ideas on what could/do help me so that you can encourage yourself to step into that gap for others. We all know that when when we tell someone else, “please let me know what I can do to help”, this RARELY leads to concrete answers (my own self included here) but in hindsight, I happen to have a number of concrete answers so better late than never right?
Offers of LOVE (aka “help”) to someone going through a private or ambiguous loss: – clean their house (hiring someone or coming to do it yourself) – meal offerings (if you’re in my circle, family style Woodstock salad from Guud bowls please and thank you) – invites so that I have items on my calendar to look forward to and reminders that I am not alone – walks to get them outside and moving (with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable), bonus points for night walks in the dark so no one can see the crying – massages or self care (even though this is obvious, I am starting to see the impact of how incredible this experience has been in DISCONNECTING my mind from my body and these kinds of self-care experiences help to soothe that very thing and bring them back together) – texts or phone calls (even when there is no response): No, it will not make them feel worse. Yes, they definitely read each and every one – recommendations of impactful books if they are a reader/researcher (bonus points to just send it to their house without asking) – asking specific questions about counseling and medication support (someone remembering that I have counseling on a certain day and reaching out on that day has been so special and meaningful) – without permission, making plans to come over and spend time with them (again, with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable)
And to my circle, thank you for doing these things so I have a list to even put out in the world in the first place. Thank you for stepping into my darkness and being the light. I hope to offer it back to you as we adventure along this painful adulting journey side by side, year after year.
P.S. A few books to consider if you find yourself or another in need of some reading, acceptance, exploration into the journey of healing:
What is your dream job? If you were to ask me what my dream job was at any point between 2007-2023, I would have told you with 100% confidence that I had it. I was an elementary school counselor, a role I am utterly obsessed with (reference point, my tik tok page) and felt fulfilled as a varsity volleyball coach for an elite volleyball program in the hometown and school that raised me and made me who I am today. These were two jobs that I committed my heart and education to early on as a high schooler and did everything in my power to achieve those goals. Those careers were everything to me – I loved stepping into others’ lives during vulnerable moments, whether it was a crisis at school or coaching teenagers through the ups and downs of sports, life and love during their most formative years, I felt like I was contributing to individual lives and improving our community as a whole. I also felt incredibly valued by others – although criticism was there in small amounts, mostly I felt overwhelming gratitude and positivity coming from those I was DIRECTLY involved with (folks that indirectly heard things are a whole different story).
What are your work values? Think of values that bring you emotional fulfillment (being challenged, helping others, influence, etc.) as well as external things that you value (high earnings, job security, having adequate time away from work, etc.) When I resigned from my school counseling position this last August, I made the decision by reflecting on both my personal and professional values and deciding whether or not my current place of employment would support those values. And at first, I thought maybe my personal and professional values would be different but the more I was curious and explored, the more I realized there were exactly the same. Connection and growth – to grow as a person and profession, we have to feel safe and supported. The only way to do that is through genuine connection and trust. Another important value to me is integrity, and as I define it, authenticity and “realness” – I want to hear your struggles AND your strengths and I want to make sure I am public about mine as well. My blog and my social media show the highlights and the hard parts and I am proud of that. My other values include compassion, empowerment, balance, unconditional love and VALUE (to be valued and to add value to others’ lives).
Do you feel like you need to work toward a change in your career or vocation? Why? So now that I have been wiped bare in many senses of the word, I have the opportunity to build back my career and my path with these values in place and guiding the way. It is still quite foggy what that looks like and I am learning how to accept that is just what it is for the time being and it won’t feel that way forever. I know I love school counseling and school counselors and would love to keep supporting that work. I know I love working with humans with trauma, both the big and little humans and want to keep that passion area of mine alive in order to help move our collective understanding of it forward both in individual homes and in large systems as well. I feel right at now at this very moment, I am one of those mystery picture puzzles…..where you see just a few pieces at a time and you have to be patient in order to see the resulting final picture…..and for now, waiting for that will be both my daily struggle and my daily opportunity for acceptance and grace.
One of the ways I wanted to challenge myself this year was to focus on my inner narratives and states of BE-ing (see one little word post). Obviously I love writing, blogging, and sharing my story, but was feeling a pull to go a bit deeper and found a course from this amazing Daily Om website (with a ton of different classes if you’re interested).
Although these are a bit more personal, I want to document them (or the ones I feel comfortable to) here so I can reflect on them once the year has come and gone. One of the gifts of my traumatic year is an experience of feeling “broken open” – to my own exploration of self, curiosity and paths forward.
Each week has a different theme with a variety of questions – sometimes I choose one or a couple to reflect on so here we go.
Week 1 – Roadblocks What is standing in your way right now? Right now I am in an “in between” phase from resigning from my position and the betrayal trauma in my marriage. So many of the identities that I held TIGHTLY onto and led my purpose are now wiped away, with the opportunity to start again and build myself from the ground up. The enormity of this seems to be a barrier for me right now. I have so many ideas, some conflicting, some foggy, some so big that it’s hard to fathom them coming to fruition.
Can you reframe the most pressing current obstacle as simply a to-do list? In other words, in order to overcome this, what do you need to learn? What tasks do you need to perform? Who do you need to convince? To overcome this barrier, I feel like I need to go deep within myself and my. knowing to narrow down my wants for the future. Narrow down my niche and my business plan to move forward. These obstacles are definitely fears – failure is my biggest fear and I don’t want to start this business and not have it succeed. Most other things I have set my mind to in my life have come true…..which has always been a source of pride for me. But it’s also led to this year as I am mid-life and still nowhere further than where I started. I am working on accepting this and being okay in this realization and space.
What is the longest-running obstacle in your life? The longest-running obstacle in my life has definitely been my body dysmorphia and disordered thoughts/behaviors around exercise and working out. My identity as an athlete ended after my freshman year of college and I had a really hard time with that transition. I couldn’t find joy in fueling my body or exercise as that was always guided for me by coaches and my goals within the sport or activity I was participating in. This has come up for me specifically through this current crisis as my body is reacting to the stress and grief I am feeling. Why do others lose weight and my body is gaining weight? It seems so unfair…..at a time when I am most insecure about myself and my worth, why can’t this one thing just happen naturally for me? I overcame it then with some counseling and surrounding myself with supportive folks – I also found a boyfriend and others that valued my body and spoke truth into some of my insecurities which helped me at the time. I am fortunate now to have a therapist that I feel very safe with to process some of these relapsing thoughts and keep guardrails up on the safety around my disordered urges and triggers.
What steps have you used to make progress toward overcoming it? How far have you come with it? What do you wish would happen? How would that be possible? I am a researcher – so when I am facing barriers and obstacles I like to research what others have done to overcome it. I suppose I need to do the same with my new business adventure – what business plan and strategy can I follow to start feeling the momentum of sales and success? Who can I network with that will be a guide for me? Starting at the new co-working space is an exciting motivator for me and feels like it will keep me externally motivated toward my goals.
I’ve been hesitant to write this post for a number of reasons but also am motivated to write this post for a number of different reasons. Some of my blog posts have become markers in time where I can read and experience the emotions that have faded over time – the lessons learned and meaning made from those moments are so important for both growth and gratitude moving forward.
My current goal when synthesizing all that I have endured this year is ACCEPTANCE – in particular, “to use my pain as a source of information about what matters most to me, and then to act on it” (from ACT “core processes” by Dr. Steven Hayes). One step in that acceptance for me is reviewing the timeline of this year to see both the JOYS and the absolute SORROW that made up my 2023. I am sure more processing will come for some of these events but for now I will just simply list and add a few snippets/photos as I see fit. Here we go….
January – Taking WonderBOY to his first Seahawks game – A week into this year, I was informed that I (as coach) was being investigated for bullying due to parent complaints by my school district – Bestie’s 40th birthday celebration in Chelan – Traveled 1-on-1 with WB to Stanford to see my bestie and catch a basketball game
February – Participated in my investigation interview with third party – Traveled to Vegas for Pooh’s birthday – School Counseling conference with so many lovely people I adore
March – Facilitated a school-wide response for community tragedy in area – Unexpected death of a dear friend from graduate school – WonderGIRL got married (my experience of this was complicated at best) – Contract not renewed for coaching due to “results of the third party report” (see June events) and “going in a different direction” (ALL 4 of these events happened within 10 days of each other – enter depression/anxiety like I’ve never experienced before)
April – News article becomes public with commentary flowing freely on the internet – Shania Twain concert with brother and sis-in-law
May – Travel to Mexico for my cousin’s beautiful wedding and time with family
June – First time in 18 years NOT coaching Spring/Summer volleyball – Year 16 of school counseling comes to a close working alongside an amazing staff and T – Fire family and in-law camping trips – Received written reports from third party investigation deeming allegations NOT SUBSTANTIATED (3 months after being fired for said reports)
July – Took WonderGIRL to Vegas for her 21st birthday – Another bestie turns 40 and celebrates in Whatcom County – Death and funeral of an integral teacher and friend in my life – Attended The Eras Tour and became a converted elder millenial Swiftie for life
August – Made the incredibly difficult decision to resign from school counseling position to protect my own mental health and stay true to my values – Once again, grieving the absence of volleyball starting – My father ends up hospitalized for diabetes-related symptoms for one week with extra care needed beyond hospital visit – WonderBOY and Scott travel to Alaska for a family fishing expedition – 11 year wedding anniversary
September – Establish RootedWELL Coaching, my new LLC business adventure
October – WB and Scott travel to Wyoming, WB experiences his first kill – Solo camping adventure for my birthday – Discovery of my husband’s current/recent infidelity (very end of month)
November/December – Grieve my marriage, survive my symptoms, rely on my support system – Start counseling (both individual and marriage) and medication knowing I cannot cope with this particular struggle by myself – Navigate the holidays (and Apple Cup and birthdays) amidst pain and questioning
In these two months, I have cried and felt more than all the times in my entire life put together. If you know me, you know it is very difficult for me to cry and be vulnerable with my emotions (Enneagram 3 problems). This has opened up a number of experiences for me, including true understanding of what it feels like to walk through attachment trauma AND to fully let others in to help support me through this time. And although I am experienced heightened emotions NOW, the loss of so many pieces of my identity in BLINDSIDING fashion this year is really the true source of my pain long-term and my greatest need to rebuild in the new year.
The glimmer of it all – I have seen and been encouraged by the strength of my Wonders as they also navigate this attachment rupture – their mature words, their empathy and care for me, and their focus on their own coping skills reinforces what seeds I so desperately wanted to plant for them in their hearts and minds. It’s been a bittersweet time for me to see those seeds grow and shine in support of me and our family as we walk through this struggle together.
Some folks might be wondering why I’m including some of these details in my very public blog and here is my response – I’ve always felt aligned with my integrity when I share both the ups and the downs of my life. This is no different. I will be sharing MY experience (with consent from my husband)….and just like others have shared theirs with me, it helps to navigate alongside others who have experienced similar things. Compassion after all means “to suffer together” – my hope is that by me sharing, it can help me make meaning of the events from this past year but also might help someone else in the process of reading by being exposed to new ideas/concepts in their journies. That is and will always be my hope for this blog.
From Untamed by Glennon Doyle (the only book I have ever read twice) – this single chapter has been forever imprinted on my heart for a number of reasons and I wanted to document it’s beauty and impact in this space….
A Touch Tree is one recognizable, strong, large tree that becomes the lost one’s home base. She can adventure out into the woods as long as she returns to her Touch Tree – again and again. This perpetual returning will keep her form getting too far gone.
I’ve spent much of my life lost in the woods of pain, relationships, religion, career, service, success, and failure. Looking back on those times, I can trace my lostness back to a decision to make something outside myself my Touch Tree. An identity. A set of beliefs. An institution. Aspirational ideals. A job. Another person. A list of rules. Approval. An old version of myself.
Now when I feel lost, I remember that I am not the woods. I am my own tree. So I return to myself and reinhabit myself. As I do, I feel my chin rise and my body straighten.
I reach deeply into the rich soil beneath me, made up of every girl and woman I’ve ever been, every face I’ve loved, every love I’ve lost, every place I’ve been, every conversation I’ve had, every book I’ve read and song I’ve sung, everything, everything, crumbling and mixing and decomposing underneath. Nothing wasted. My entire past there, holding me up and feeding me now. All of this too low for anyone else to see, just there for me to draw from. Then up and up all the way to my branches, my imagination, too high for anyone else to see – reaching beyond, growing toward the light and warmth. Then the middle, the trunk, the only part of me entirely visible to the world. Pulpy and soft inside, just tough enough on the outside to protect and hold me. Exposed and safe.
I am as ancient as the earth I’m planted in and as new as my tiniest bloom. I am my own Touch Tree: strong, singular, alive. Still growing.
I have everything I need, beneath me, above me, inside me.
My favorite yoga “tree pose” in one of my all-time favorite spots.
