Category Archives: Parenting

Countdown to Christmas

Posted on by

There are all sorts of drool-worthy advent/countdown calendars popping up on my Facebook and Pinterest feeds yesterday and today (touche crafty friends, touche). Although ours is humble in physical appearance, it is mighty in emotional and spritual impact. Plus, it’s super easy to whip out in about an hour or so!

We make 24 paper strips to make one long paper chain. Last year, we used up some of my 12×12 paper stash left over from my Treasury of Memories days. This year? Upcycling those beautiful Trader Joe shopping bags….kraft + Christmas decor? Can’t go wrong…..image1

On each individual link/strip, we work as a family to write down two things. We write down a bible verse each day to read together as a family (all part of the Christmas story but told from different books in the bible – see tradition #4 of this blog post). Each day, we also write down a challenge or an activity that we want to participate in to keep focused on loving others and being more mindful during this holiday season. Today, for example, the mission was for WG and WB to play/talk with a new friend at school. They absolutely love taking off the chain link each morning and then processing the outcome on the way home from school or at talk time at night.

Other examples of activities/challenges might include:
Pray as a family
Watch Rudolph and talk about a time we were bullied
Random Acts of Kindness Day (a tradition me and hubby started pre-kids)
Christmas light tour with hot cocoa!
Buy presents for “adopt-a-family” and deliver
Any favorite family tradition (gingerbread house, sledding, etc.)
Make Christmas cookies together

It may already be December 2nd but it’s never too late to create your own mission Christmas countdown! If you have any other fun countdown ideas, please leave me a comment. I would love to hear them…..

Adventures in parenting a teenage girl…..

Posted on by

teen memeWill Smith was on my favorite Ellen show the other day and started his interview with an exasperated sigh about raising teenagers, saying that it should be treated as an illness/disease you catch because of how hard it is. “Hey man how are you doing?” “Well you know…I have teenagers.” “Wow man….that’s too bad. Feel better soon.”

I laughed a bit in my head because we are really getting the brunt of some teenage action in our house from our not-so-little WonderGIRL. Most parents get a bit of an on-ramp when it comes to teenage behavior, but when we got WG at age 11, we knew we were in for a hard couple of years. Not only did we have to work on attachment, holes in academic learning, and full-blown anxiety around her criminal trial approaching, her hormones were raging and we needed to stay ahead of the curve. We knew she needed some quick interventions to rewire her brain and connections about how to behave in a stable, consistent family with parents that care enough about her to create boundaries and set limits for her.

Now that we have some breathing space from a stretch of particularly hard behavior this Fall (if I claim that it’s better, then it can’t get bad again right???), I decided to share some creative solutions we have tried so far…..with her traumatic history and low, low working memory, constant revisions to our methods are definitely a must.

LYING behaviors – “The Trust Bank”
We wanted WG to understand that lying not only gets her in more trouble, but it hurts a relationship between us and her because then we can’t trust future statements. We also wanted her to learn that by admitting mistakes and telling the truth, even after a lie or 2, she would earn trust back. We used play money from a board game and she earned money from telling truths. Obviously, she got money taken away for lies. She was able to save money for rewards (involving quality time with parents, fun activities/adventures, etc.) in her own handmade wallett. We could gauge how much money to reward/take away based on the severity of the lies. This method also was a visible sign of how much she was lying/telling the truth which helped her and her low memory when problem solving as well.

CONTROLLING behaviors – “You’re in Charge” game
WG is still learning that having loving, caring parents not only creates safety and a loving environment, but their job is to guide their behaviors and create a responsible adult as well. She pushes these boundaries often but not as much as when she began stealing from us at our home and from teachers at school. When resisting a consequence that fit the “crime” as it was, we decided an alternative solution would need to be tried. We told her that she was now in charge. In charge of her own bedtime, morning routines, homework, and even making her own meals. Upon hearing this, she was absolutely thrilled. It took one meal time for her to realize that we really weren’t going to step in and parent her. She created a pretty darn disgusting mix of luke-warm microwave macaroni and cheese and then interestingly enough, went to bed early that night. The next day, there was some begging involved for us to parent her again. We again reassured her how much we loved her AND that we wanted her to feel what it might feel like to truly be in control of herself so we weren’t budging. This day also included an extravagant dress up outfit and tap shoes walking down the 7th grade hallway (outfit choice is often a struggle for her). Later that night, we found WG atop the stairs blocking our bedroom stating “I am not going to bed until you are my parents again.” To which we replied sweetly, “Good night! We love you!” (insert eye rolls, foot stomping, and arms crossed here)

We woke up the next morning to a two-page letter under our bedroom door documenting her lessons learned with the most heartfelt apology we had ever gotten from her. This letter also served as a valuable reminder to her lacking cognitive ability about this exercise. Now, when she pushes boundaries with our parenting, we simply remind her to read the letter and she will then apologize and turn her behavior around.

DESTROYING PROPERTY behaviors – “Guess the price” game
Learning how to properly take care of our belongings is a fundamental lesson that children learn at a young age. When you don’t have belongings to take care of AND the adults don’t help take care of anything around you, these lessons obviously don’t get learned. After a stint of multiple ripped clothes, cut-apart stuffed animals, and lost objects, we asked WG to lay out each item in her room and estimate how much each item cost. This allowed a valuable conversation about how much objects actually DO cost (she undervalued everything by at least $10-50) and how hard we work to give her clothing and objects that will keep her safe/warm and keep her busy at home. Along with this lesson, we are also very careful about talking through our buying decisions by saying no to her requests with the line, “We are choosing not to spend our money on that” versus “We don’t have money for that.” We want her to learn that we are blessed with good jobs and money to spend on our family and that’s wonderful, but we are still responsible on how we spend that money.

IMPULSE CONTROL – “Three Post-It” Questions
If you have a child that has a hard time holding in their curiosities, thoughts, random musings, this strategy may help a long car ride or those dreaded homework sessions. We have tried to find a balance with WG especially, where we can honor and listen to her voice yet make sure she is also able to self-regulate her thoughts. Sometimes, it seems like she doesn’t keep anything inside, mostly because she is constantly seeking adult approval. I love how joyful and observant she is, but I want her to have confidence in her inner dialogue as well, which also has to serve as a self-regulation device. On long car rides or homework sessions, WG gets three post-its that represent three questions or statements that she gets to ask. When the impulse comes, she has to evaluate whether or not the thought is WORTH giving up one of her post-its. This visual seems to really help her and creates a bit more peace and quiet during potentially stressful times. Her teacher even tries this in class and it’s been working wonders in the classroom as well.

As much as this period in WG’s has been hard hard hard, we have seen so much life-change in her throughout the past two years that we are lucky her behaviors are relatively minor up to this point and normal in the life of a typical teenager (“normal” is certainly a celebration in our little family). I could write a long, long post about all the things I truly love and cherish about her that definitely make all this work 110% worth the struggle but I will save that for another time and another post.

Talk time

Posted on by

Last week, I was asked to speak to a college class as a member of a parenting panel. While I am no way an expert in this field, it was an honor to sit next to two veteran parents and compare/contrast our stories (the good, the bad , the ugly) along this journey of raising little people. One of the commonalities between all three of us was a nightly ritual of talking and listening intentionally with our children about the ups and downs of their days. This ritual not only honors their voice and gives us perspective into their brains, it is hugely rewarding for us adults to reflect and focus on the positives of our day as well (even when sometimes the best part of the day is that it’s almost over).

I thought I would take a pause to do the same reflection on more than just a day, but this season of our life/family as it is right now.

Favorite parts of my life:
– loving and receiving love from my Wonders
– Scott being my number one fan, as a Mama, as his wife, and as a professional coach/counselor
– my volleyball team finding success on the court and being an enjoyable group to be around day in and day out
– partnership and support from fellow teachers at my school
– Inside Out on DVD
– my color coded filing system
– essential oils providing natural and effective cleaning and healthcare for my family

Least favorite parts of my life:
– lack of power in making decisions for my children
– anxieties around WG’s life and relationship skills
– insecurities about my impact at work
– lack of time for dates with my girlfriends
– paperwork, appointments, court dates, repeat…..

Something I need to admit/apologize for:
– backing out of social gatherings for pajama time/recovery time at home
– unkind words towards my husband/kiddos when in my own pity party
– caring about my daughter’s clothing choices way more than I should
– saying yes to projects/events which takes me away from needed family time
– slacking on a lovely project for my friends that I should have had done last Christmas (sorry bests!)

I am grateful for:
– a circle of foster/adopt support that “get it”
– WonderBOY getting into the sport of volleyball (he watched the entire UW/USC game on TV with me the other night!!!)
– my husband supporting me as a volleyball coach that takes so much of my time/energy/patience away from him
– shows like Quantico, Scandal, Modern Family, and my beloved Eleen to give my brain some needed breaks in my days
– Luna bars on sale at Fred Meyer (I stuff these in hidden spots in my car to tide me over during my car rides all over the county – sometimes they keep me from that quick stop at McDonalds, sometimes they don’t)
– grace and forgiveness

I wish for:
– my children to know they are loved unconditionally and special (my answer every single night)
IMG_2725.JPG

on community….

Posted on by

I am not a Halloween person at all….I’ve never liked dressing up, was never motivated to go the parties (sorry Mal and Travis), and even the candy didn’t excite me all that much. Since our kiddos entered our life, we have been getting into the spirit a little bit more but now I am much more excited about the community building that a holiday like Halloween can bring about. Here a few examples from our Halloween weekend this year that excited me more than the fun-size bags of Skittles or Reeses melting in my mouth.Celebrating Halloween in public schools has all but gone away by now. I decided to still put together a community event that focused on tolerance and anti-bullying. Our 5th graders hosted a “Spookley the Square Pumpkin” storybook trail for all of our younger students where they listened to the story, participated in activities just like the “jack-o-lympics”, and added their own “unique” pumpkins to our big pumpkin patch poster. The youngers loved it AND my 5th graders did an amazing job spreading on messages of kindness and tolerance to future classes. I hope we get to continue this tradition in the coming years.
As my volleyball team heads into their district tournament, we have to make sure we are keeping proper perspective about the serious-ness of this pressure filled time. Each player partnered up to enter our costume contest at practice on Saturday/Halloween. What a fun and easy way for them to get out of their comfort zones (well some were right smack middle of their comfort zone with crazy outfits and all eyes on them….I’ll let you guess which one this is) and create a fun, teambuilding event that they will remember years into the future.One is not meant to do this parenting gig alone, behind closed doors, and questioning every step they take. As we are going on 20 months with our Wonders, I am so grateful for so many people that have supported and partnered with us through our journey. We got to celebrate our 2nd Halloween with our beloved Stori and Tausha (with their two little foster WonderBOYS) and roam around our neighborhood collecting candy. There is something so comforting about being able to parent your children through tantrums and attitudes and social worker visits and to have people in your life that just GET IT. No judgment, no needed compliments, just acknowledgement of the hard and passing on of patience. This trick or treating trip was also a great opportunity for us to meet our neighbors as Scott and I are not very good at socializing and getting out enough to meet everyone.

After the kiddos were  zombified from their sugar intake asleep, we even snuck out to our neighboors’ driveway bonfire to get to know them even more and plan some future get togethers for us and for our children. We laughed and bonded over the weird traditions of Halloween and compared and contrasted our stories of coming to our neighborhood. It was a fun night and weekend had by all and maybe this little silly holiday could be growing on me a bit more each passing year…..

Parenting is….

Posted on by

Frick fracking exhausting, hard work, rewarding, fulfilling, everything it’s cracked up to be funny. So, so funny. Raising human beings. Expecting them to be functioning humans when they’re not. In my pre-kid, care-free days, I used to gloss over any parenting comics due to “not getting it.” Now I soooooo do and they are the only comics that I commit (and by commit, I mean take the extra 2 seconds to click the link) to when scrolling through FB. Click here to see this hilarious Upworthy article including parenting funnies.

This plus my excitement about a color-coded file system in my life basically means I am killing it at this whole adulting gig (minus the fact that the picture above is me 97.2% of the time when I have minutes/seconds to myself).

Clearing the clutter

Posted on by

Warning – NONE of the solutions I am about to talk about are mine. Thank goodness for pinterest and bloggarific Mama’s that have been posting genius ideas that I get to steal. But I do really like our adopted (fitting right?) chore system so perhaps it can help you too. Plus the clutter clearing ideas for all that paperwork has helped our kitchen and dining room tremendously, especially with the need to keep our foster paperwork together and easy to reach when needed.

IMG_3037

Carmona’s task center/chore system she shares in her blog include this totally free chore chart template (you can edit it on your own computer). We love these daily reminders of which Wonder is completing which task around our house and they love getting to check off their own list. Also included is a cute to-do list and “personal goals” that we sit down and draft together on Sunday nights at dinner.

Since our littles don’t get a regular allowance, we do include bonus “money chores” each week. This includes a bigger job (cleaning baseboards, organizing tupperware, cleaning laundry room, etc.) that each child can do whenever they want to earn the extra money. If they don’t do it, it becomes a regular chore for the following week and they lose the dollar. However, it the chore doesn’t get done, it’s not a huge deal and we move the chore to a different week. This is a great way for WG and WB to feel involved in our housekeeping and we make it fun by putting on music, dancing around, and filling Scott’s bucket. He loves coming home to the surprise of not having to do all the cleaning by himself on his days off from work.

IMG_3038Oh man, this blog post about paper organization is a MUST READ/CLICK NOW. It totally changed my life when paperwork, schoolwork, and mail were literally taking over our counters, coffee tables, and dining spaces. I loved this blogger’s ideas of putting all incoming mail into one basket to be sorted later. The two boxes are labeled “need action” and “to file” so when you put things away, you know which ones you need to go back and pay attention to in a timely manner when you remember that you actually put something in there and oops, it was kind of important.

This amazing lateral file from Pottery Barn just like the one in the blog post is on my super dreamland wishlist so that I can file all of the paperwork into more organized categories (right now they are housed in chaotic binders in my craft room).

On the bottom shelf are two CLOSED boxes of the children’s artwork and schoolwork. Every once in a while, we go through the boxes to add more or take out important pieces of work that we want to look back on or save to be proud of. I have found that setting a limit of what we keep really is a win-win. They feel important and know that we value their hard work but the sheer amount of work/art doesn’t overwhelm our kitchen or living spaces.

 

IMG_3039Perhaps you are drowning in a sea of paperwork, artwork, glorious finger paintings that you don’t know what to do with too??? I hope this helps with some ideas on how to wrangle that mess (now the actual people that make that mess? You’re on your own). If YOU have any genius tips to share, please do so in my comments, I’d love to hear them!!! Happy decluttering!

TBD and the roots of behavior

Posted on by

wonderGIRL note

For the past couple of days, our sweet, joyful WonderGIRL has been HARD. Hard to parent, hard to have patience with, and at times, hard just to be around. Yes, yes, I know 13-year olds are already hard, have attitude, forget everything you say, can’t focus, stomp up the stairs, etc……but our 13 year old with a head and heart full of trauma carries a number of triggers that aren’t included in a typical teenager’s arsenal of weapons against their parents. This is where the frustration of parenting is always underscored by the overwhelming sadness of her story and her past, a lifetime of events that we have NO CONTROL over and can never take away from her.

This morning in church after some arguing and tears from WG, I wrote her a note to remind her that I love her. It read….
Dear WG,
I love you even when you argue and even when you drive me bonkers. I love you because you’re you.
Love, Mama

And pictured above is the note I got in return. This note accurately summarizes the triggers behind the behavior that always come back to her past, her abandonment, and her crazy amount of FEAR in us leaving her. It was a powerful reminder that at my peak of frustration, I need to dive into the reason behind her behavior and open the door of communication for her to share her hurts. We call it “clearing the space” in her brain….clear out the hurt and the fear, so she can fill that space with making good choices and thinking before acting.

Many times when I share my struggles in parenting our two wonders, many well-intentioned people share that their kids do the same things. I believe this is an effort to “normalize” my feelings which I do appreciate and it does make me feel better as a rookie Mama. But what they do not see is the difference in our kiddos – their children were most likely raised in a safe and healthy environment where they know that as bad as they act, their parents will continue to love and protect them. Our children do not know that….that is not their baseline. Their brains were formed under the filter of fear (drowned in cortisol/adrenaline, our stress hormone) and thus, we get behaviors that can be more aggressive, more volatile, and harder to influence. And as I have said before, we embrace this difference and we rise to the occasion with creativity, faith, and a whole lot of humor in moving forward with our story.

And just to end on a cute note, check out WonderBoy’s “notes” during service this morning:

IMG_3022

“I love God and you.”

 

Positive attention strategies (part 2)

Posted on by

Another installment of how we intentionally pay attention to our little wonders in unique ways throughout each month/season…..

Monthly Birthday 1-on-1’s (inspired by this blog post)
Each month, on their birthDAY (4th and 20th), each kiddo gets to stay up late with both parents for special 1-on-1 time. They get to pick the activity (one rule: NO screen involved). WG will often ask for spa night (nails and essential oils) and WB loves to bike ride or scooter around at night. While one gets attention, the other wonder is pretending practicing being happy for someone ELSE being celebrated and getting attention in a positive way.

“Speed Dating” game
We love using intentional eye contact as a way to bond with our little wonders. Sometimes we just make eye contact to “test” how long it takes one of us to look away. We did a 1-minute affirmation challenge (I called it “speed affirming” like speed dating) where family member pairs made eye contact for one minute. I tried really hard to find another title besides speed dating, but it was so close to that, I just stuck with it! One person gets to talk for 1 minute straight affirming all of the wonderful things about their partner. We started with parent to kiddo partners but also included husband-wife and kid-kid affirmations (adorable to listen to). This was another good activity to do right before bed to promote a positive transition to bedtime.

Sunset Reading Marathon
Our kiddos aren’t always super willing to drop everything and read. We try to be good role models in them being able to see us reading for enjoyment and learning from time to time but they can still be hesitant and stubborn around being forced to read. We also like to reward them choosing to read with a few extra minutes to stay up past bedtimes. So a few times a month, we let them choose books and as long as they STAY reading, they can stay up as long as they want. During the summer, we hosted these marathons in the back of our truck as the sun went down just a few streets away in our neighborhood. What a fun and cozy way to fall in love with our books and share the beauty of nature at the same time!
backup sept 2015 1773 backup sept 2015 1776Interested in part 1? Click here!

Can I have your attention please?!?

Posted on by

Focus and attention are two primary concerns in our household. We struggle with WB and WG paying attention to our words, their own tasks and homework, and to the care and keeping of themselves. This will always be a daily struggle and we are charged with the job of being creative in how we can effectively manage life without going absolutely bonkers when repeating ourselves calmly 152 times.

But the kind of attention that we have worked REALLY HARD on changing the meaning of with both of our children is HOW we get attention, how we seek attention when we need it, and how we positively give it to safe people that we love. After childhoods filled with cycles of negative and positive attention for all the wrong reasons, we wanted to teach them both a few lessons here:

1. Sometimes people other than ourselves will get different doses of attention – and that is OKAY.
2. I can ask for attention when I need it (instead of acting out, talking like a baby, crying, creating a false injury/illness).
3. Positive attention includes eye contact, questions and responses to keep the conversation going, and calm tones of voices.
4. Just because someone gives me attention DOES NOT automatically mean they are a safe person or that they are close enough to me to kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc.

I thought I would share a few strategies we use with our little wonders (many borrowed from multiple wonderful mamas and mommy-bloggers throughout the years) in order to teach these lessons on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.

Nightly “Talk Time”
As a way to practice social conversation skills and to creatively get some juicy tidbits about their days, we have started a short “interview” at the end of each night where each family member gets undivided attention while they share about their day.
Our four questions include:
1. What was your favorite part of your day?
2. What was your least favorite?
3. What did you learn today?
4. What are you grateful for?
This has become a valued routine in our home that can take place anywhere and with anyone (babysitter/family member) as a way to peacefully end the day and transition into bedtime.

backup sept 2015 1809 Family Date Night
Each year, we nervously head towards WonderGIRL becoming a teenager and diving into the world of dating so we are extra careful about how we talk about romantic relationships and love interests. As a way to show her how one partner should treat each other, we like to go on random family date nights. We get dressed up, flowers are sometimes given, head out to a fancy spot and practice our best manners and conversation skills. Although WB really loves the attention and “kid friendly” restaurants, I think WG gets the most out of these experiences as she has an amazing father figure in Scott to teach her how a true gentleman treats his love.backup sept 2015 416 backup sept 2015 418

 

More ideas to follow in a future blog post including our special birthday 1-on-1 time, “speed dating” game, and sunset reading marathons. Stay tuned!

Dear teachers of WB and WG…

Posted on by

At our staff retreat last week, we were asked to write letters sharing the hopes and dreams we have for our children (real or imaginary) entering our school building. It was an emotional and high-impact activity that inspired passionate and hard work for the next two days from our staff. I thought today, our first day of school, would be a perfect day to share that letter.

Dear staff,
Thank you in advance for your kind and compassionate care of my children. I know that your work is buried in thankless extra hours and efforts but I see it and I appreciate every moment of preparation and love you have poured into your students already before they even walk in the door.

My biggest hope for my children this year is that they GROW and thrive. I want them to grow in their confidence in reading and enjoy the books that they are reading. I want them to love math and be excited about solving larger problems. I want them to have strategies for moving past “not getting it” and be okay in messing up and trying again. I also want them to feel every day that their teachers only want them to try their best, not get 100% or a 4 on every assignment. I want them to feel good enough as a student, even if they are not at standard.

I dream that one day, my children will blend in with other children, and not stand out with behavior problems due to their traumatic past. I hope that staff views their behavior through a lens of trauma, not defiance. They learned these behaviors from extremely abusive adults and now, I hope different adults teach them about kindness, self-control, and perseverance through their own actions and the guidance they provide to them.

I want WG and WB to walk into a classroom with a teacher that greets them by name and looks them in the eye to honor the unique and important people they are. I want them to practice controlling their impulses, be allowed “re-do’s” and also learn how to solve conflict with peers in a more calm way than they can now. I hope that this school year is a stepping stone to the future in them becoming successful citizens with careers that make them feel purposeful and relationships with family and friends that are mutually respectful, trustworthy, and free of abuse.

But my biggest wish is that my children feel safe, comfortable, and loved unconditionally. Loved unconditionally during the days/times that they are compliant, calm, and working hard. But more importantly, loved unconditionally on the days/times that they are defiant, out of his or her seat for the 142nd time, or being aggressive to another child. Those are the days/times they need your love and guidance the most and as fiercely as you can give it.

Thank you in advance for changing my child’s world for the better….
Mama Brave Dinosaur  (Mr. WonderBOY reading me one of his favorite stories during “carpet time”)