Category Archives: Parenting

TBD and “the system”

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There is a lot of talk in the foster world about “the system” which seems to include the state department, legal system, CPS, and all agencies that supports (term used loosely) the most vulnerable children in our communities/state. From my experience and in talking to other families, it seems as though dealing with the system is much more discouraging than some of the hardships that come with caring for the children and their various traumas. People reply to my complaints with “ya…the system” or “I’m sorry it’s just the system” or my favorite “the system just doesn’t work that way.”

One of the biggest emotional roller coasters for us has been the timeline with our wonders and moving things along – not for our benefit as silly impatient adults, but for two little ones who long to be a permanent piece in someone’s family puzzle. We want things to move along for them, their healing, and their future mental health. It is hard when one person promises us a termination trial in October, then to get a phone call the next week saying it has been, in fact, set for February. 5 months probably seems like such a short time in their legal world, but for a 13 and 7 year old child, this time just feels like a gamble – more time for things to change or for stability to be ripped away.

So that’s where we sit. Here, in the middle of no-man’s land where we dream of making these children our own forever, but in reality, we have no power over their lives. When one or both are struggling and the voice inside my head (both professionally and emotionally) know that one judge’s decision could significantly change that struggle for the better, I find it hard to find the reason and logic behind waiting so long. So I turn to this little inter-space to make sense of it all….why do we get all of the responsibilities, but none of the power? All of the appointments, and the documenting, and the medicine, and the late night tantrums yet our say means little in front of the court? It reminds me of this sage quote from one much wiser than I. ? Many commented on my last post about the irony/magic of Team Brave Dinosaurs’ acronym being TBD (God thing #439 in our story) because our little family is in a lot of different ways, to be determined…..and these frustrations really speak to that being true. 

Many people know that documenting gratitude is one of the most monumental ways we can shift our negative thinking into positive thinking. And since we know our thoughts control our feelings (or did you know that? Well now you do) – I want to intentionally shift my thinking so my heart and emotions come right along with it. The SYSTEM is the reason we have WG and WB in our lives in the first place. The SYSTEM listened to reports that they were in danger and removed them from harm’s way. The SYSTEM saved them. The SYSTEM made us parents and trusted two rookies with a very important job. The SYSTEM helped create our family and for that, I am grateful and shall remain that way for the months/years/endless moments to come before a judge gifts Team Brave Dinosaurs with a promise of forever. And if when those thoughts fail to take root in my brain, I will just love them fiercely and rely on forces more powerful than us to take charge.IMG_0847

TBD and our beloved Essential Oils

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Three months ago, I dove into experimenting with essential oils as a way to take charge of my family’s health, both physically and mentally. It’s been a fun way to not only care for their emotional and physical needs, but I have gotten a creative surge from creating recipes for rollerballs and diffusers around the home as well. The added bonus is that both my husband and my little wonders love the oils and ask for them on a daily basis.

How we most commonly use them:
1. Daily application for mood management – we use Vetiver, Cedarwood, Lavender, and the Grounding Blend (carried by coconut oil) on our bodies and feet. I have seen huge gains here in their capabilities to calm down quicker and move on to a different task since using this combination. We have been able to transition WonderGIRL off of her medication for ADD in part because the oils have had such an impact on her focus/irritability/mood.  I also rub it on WonderBOY’s feet before bedtime – he loves the massage (connection with Mama) and it has helped him go to bed without as big of a fight.

2. Supplements – now that volleyball and school meetings/schedules have started, I am not the best in eating regular and healthy meals. I have noticed a huge difference since starting the supplements in my digestive system and general energy throughout the day, even if/when I sneak in a fast food trip in between appointments.

3. Diffuser recipes – we love mixing up recipes in our diffuser to not only make our home smell nice, but get some emotional benefits as well. Our favorite family recipe reminds us of the ride “California Soarin'” from Disneyland (it includes Cedarwood, Rosemary, and Wild Orange). My favorite benefit has been the diffuser recipe (Respiration Blend + Frankincense) in our bedroom, significantly decreasing hubby’s snoring (and all the wives/girlfriends say…SIGN ME UP)!!!

4. Cleaning products/laundry detergent – we have been working hard to make our home toxin-free (encouraged by our support of this wonderful documentary) and making our own cleaning products has been super-charged thanks to our essential oils!

If you are interested in learning more about essential oils and the specific brand that I chose (after a LOT of research), I would love to chat more with you about it. Feel free to comment or message me on Facebook and I can point you in the right direction! I had heard about the oils for a while and needed a helpful friend to guide me and answer all of my questions (even at 11pm at night while I’m perusing the internet – thank you Amy!). Now I get to pay that forward…..

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience with the oils and what works for me. None of this should be taken as medical/psychiatric advice. I’m simply sharing a personal opinion about a product that I use and like because it’s significantly helped my family and because I enjoy the creative process of making various products.

the birth of Team Brave Dinosaurs

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It is not news to anyone that all families go through multiple seasons….seasons of hard, struggle, pain and then seasons of calm, ease, and peace. Right now our little Team Brave Dinosaurs is in a bit of a season of hard – so I thought it might be helpful to my little blog but also for my heart for me to reflect on the start of our journey and all of the beautiful messes we created together when starting our family.

As many of you know, my husband and I had always planned to build our family first by adopting a child/children. We were open to many different possibilities of doing this although we had started working towards a possible international adoption. Many countries require a marriage of at least 2 years before applying so we were chugging along, enjoying our free time and quiet up until that point. God definitely had a different plan and in February of 2013, He asked us to take in two of His most loved, yet most broken. All we had to do was say “yes.”  Easy to type in a sentence, much harder to dive in and do. But we did.
We believe that their story up until that point is just that, THEIR story and I will not be diving into that story here on the blog.

When we picked up WonderGIRL and WonderBOY (WG and WB) from the DSHS office, they were SOOOO excited to be coming home with their school counselor. What a treat to see one of your teachers’ homes, kitchens, and even have a sleepover!!! I still remember WG’s exact three questions in the car as we drove to our house
1. When we have dinner, will we all eat together at a table?
2. Will you take us to church?
3. Do I call you Mommy?
Three questions from a very excited kiddo, but three questions that without any filter, highlighted her need for belonging, for love, and for help in her healing process.

We had absolutely NO kid-friendly items in our house – I blame my occupation for that, because all of the good stuff was in my office/classroom at school. The kiddos passed the time by sliding up and down our stairs, filling our house with the most genuine and uninhibited laughs I had ever heard.

We got to go on a Target shopping spree (Mama’s favorite!!!) for essential items that night. As we piled plastic plates, cups, class valentines, toothbrushes, etc. onto the conveyor belt and as the prices beeped onto the screen, WG was frozen and locked on the screen. As the total climbed, her head began to significantly droop. She turned to me as I pulled out my wallet, and said quietly, “I am so sorry. You really don’t have to pay for all of this.” To which I replied, “We want you to feel comfortable. We care about you. We will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and at home while you stay with us.” This perked her up enough to walk hand-in-hand with me to the car as we left the store.

It’s funny that many of the rituals and routines we started that first week, we still do 19 months later. And many of our “firsts” (new experiences to them) are still activities we love doing together – movie theater dates, walking to the park, visiting the fire station, and sliding down those darn stairs (my poor banister).

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Going from zero kids and a relatively quiet house to parents of two was obviously a culture shock for hubby and I. We navigated that carefully, fumbled endlessly, and joked about not even being in the same chapter, let alone on the same page in the whole parenting game. Some of the most precious moments I will cherish with my husband were some of those first nights after we put the children to bed and we would process, cry, hug and really take in the impact of our new normal.

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Our second night together was Valentine’s Day so we brought the children to a romantic date at Red Robin. You can see in the picture above how shy and clingy both were in public – for those of you that know them now, it is shocking to see them so still!!! At dinner, WG was very honest in saying that the words “family”, “foster”, “mom”, “dad”, etc. made her feel uncomfortable. We discussed that instead we were a TEAM and Scott and I were their coaches. We called the shots and kept everyone safe. Of course we needed a team name and identity so each child got to pick one word to describe our team. I’m sure this doesn’t surprise anyone that WG chose “brave” (I might have said crazy at that point in time) and sweet 5 year old, all-boy WB chose “dinosaurs”. It obviously stuck and thinking about that conversation brings the sweetest sense of peace to my heart because it was the first family decision we made together. Both children finally had a voice and control – 11 and 5 years too late, but we were ready to make up for lost time in that realm as quickly as possible.

We are #soblessed to have these two in our life and honored to have the opportunity to change their seemingly dark path and point it towards the light. They fill our hearts with unspeakable joy, passion, and love (along with wall dings, endless cereal droppings, and laundry but who’s keeping track). More on our story and a current legal update will be coming in a later blog post – thanks for reading and to most of you reading this, thank you for supporting us through the start of it all and continuing through the present.