Category Archives: Parenting

BraveGIRL stays a while….

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As many of you know, a sweet friend of WonderGIRL’s came to live with us on a short-term basis in August and has been a lovely addition to our family. She is 15 and has a heart of gold that we have loved discovering over time. Through some family decision team meetings, it has been decided that BraveGIRL is going to stay with us long term. We hope to set her up for a successful transition to adulthood with some firm boundaries and a whole lot of daily lessons on family, relationships, and healthy decision-making. Also as usual on this blog, her story is her story and I won’t be sharing the story of what brought her to us publicly. Her trauma is big…..but my belief in her and her future is even bigger – which sums up about every single being in this house so she fits in quite nicely!!!!

This transition has included some bumpy roads for our other two Wonders as they navigate what it feels like to share their forever parents’ love and attention. Even though WG and WB are older, I imagine these are typical feelings from a 2 year old toddler with a newborn sibling…..feeling a disruption in the family make-up they once knew to be the end of the world. Rexie has already fallen in love with her, as evident in the quick dashes inside her bedroom as soon as the door opens and lots of snuggles in her lap.

Someone asked me the other night how many children Scott and I plan on bringing into our family….and the answer still remains the same and as simply complicated as ever – “however many God decides to give us.” We are still a licensed foster family and may start to take new placements this summer…..but are also open to considering an international adoption as well. Thank you to our ever expanding fan club for your prayers and support as our family size and structure ebbs and flows both physically and emotionally – we truly couldn’t be staying afloat without you.

 

WonderGIRL heads to Haiti

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My WonderGIRL is heading to her first missions trip to Haiti tonight…..I wanted to capture some of her thoughts and feelings here so she can reflect on them after she returns and years later to fully re-live her experience. Our house has been a minefield of emotions this past week as she sorts out different feelings of excitement, nervousness, and the fear of abandonment. She put it quite brilliantly to a family friend last night saying, “I am really excited to go on the trip, but I am super nervous to leave here.” This tension is heartbreaking but what I do feel confident in when sending her off is the ability for this challenge and experience to help her grow, not only in giving back to others but in growing confident away from our house and me in particular.I am excited about:
– seeing all these kids
– hand out lollipops to kids and see smiles on their face…..I like seeing kids smile and then it makes me smile
– they get healthier because we have medicines and doctors to make them feel better

I am nervous about:
– potentially getting sick
– messing up in giving medications that I might give someone the wrong thing
– seeing things that might scare me (destruction or sick/dying people)
– wanting to give the kids everything but I can’t do that
– Mom forgetting me at home while I’m gone
– leaving the house for that long of period

I wonder about:
– How does the food taste?
– Why are some people super poor?
– Why are the stores so expensive can’t get what they need?
– How people in Haiti look at God…..is their God the same God that we worship? How is he/she different?

I predict some changes when I return:
– better behaviors at home
– respecting what I already have (sometimes when I feel like I don’t have enough or I want more…..to know I have a lot more than other kids)

Prayers for both of them and the children and families they are about to touch in Haiti greatly appreciated!!!!

Some nuggets of truth…

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I have been soaking up professional development in this last month….but conferences can be hard when there is so much information and not enough time to “download” and process it all. These two gems stuck with me once I returned home so in hopes to ground them in writing somewhere, I want to document them here and maybe pass on the inspiration to you as well! I got to listen to an entire day from two wonderful presenters around mindfulness with children (and adults) and both of these quotes came from that day.Although it sounds so counter-intuitive, when tragedy strikes (a person, a family or a nation), sometimes it is a cry out for change or an awareness rises out of the tragedy that can advocate for a person or people in a new way. Right now with the school violence as a hot topic, we are talking about what needs to change for increased safety in school. This is obviously important to me in my work…..I still hold steady to a belief that more school counselors having chances to dig deeper with all students AND teach proactive coping skills/mental health prevention to all students really is the answer. So the gift for me of he recent tragedy is that others are speaking up and advocating for a smilier belief to mine which hasn’t always been the case (especially when sometimes the counselor is pitted against smaller class sizes which is a hard case to make for administration).

And on a personal note, my own Wonders’ tragedy brought them on a broken road to us as their parents and that really is one of the most amazing gifts that has ever been given me. We use this language a lot with all of our kiddos, because it can be so hard to rationalize the “why” of trauma and things being done to you as a child, but a greater plan and purpose for them is there and we must communicate that to them over and over.My new favorite quote EVER….like in the history of ever!!!

With what we know about burn out, compassion fatigue, secondary trauma and the effect of childhood trauma on our actual medical life outcomes….this is HUGE!! I feel like self-care has alway been thought of as a fuzzy term just held sacred for the uppity ups of our world….but small moments of self-care can be hugely impactful to anyone’s day. Whether it’s some quiet moments of calm in the morning or in the midst of you work day, some power poses before bed, or just making conscious efforts to meet up with your loved ones – self-care can not be an option. It is a requirement, just like exercise, to cope with our increasingly pressurized and stress-filled world.

P.S. I realize that my blog has been overloaded with lots of “deep” as of late…..apparently the thoughtful me has been dominating!!! I need to get these cute kiddos of mine on here with an update and some kid quotes ASAP……stay tuned!!!

Sparking self-care….

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For my February commitment to my One Little Word for 2018, I wanted to focus on self-care. Meaning the way I take care of my own self, both physically and emotionally, so that I can continue to care for others fully and enthusiastically. Sidenote: it is rare to describe an adult as enthusiastic…..typically it’s used as a negative as if that said enthusiasm is annoying or overbearing….I personally think more enthusiastic adults would create more enthusiastic children these days.

It felt good to increase the amount of time I spent committing to self-care:
– getting up earlier and having quiet time to read/meditate/stretch/enjoy my coffee (loved The Miracle Morning – thanks Holly)
– writing more….both in my planner (unloading my ideas) and on my blog (short month = best ratio of days to posts since I started)
– less social media, more playtime with the kiddos

– more learning….I flipping love professional conferences. My district has been amazingly generous in sparking my professional growth this year and I have loved being around brilliance in my field and soaking up ideas that then generate more ideas that then generate more ENTHUSIASM for my chosen role and passion in schools (plus I REALLY like my new cohort of strong, passionate counselors I get to work with)

Up next for March? Meet ups – I want to see more people, drink more coffee (or wine) and connect with others, I want things on the calendar so I commit to friends and family before appointments that can be changed and moved…..update coming later this month on how this all goes (seeing as how I just made it up on the spot right now).

On the power of chess….

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My little man has always been into board games and learning how to play chess came very easily for him. What a great chance to learn patience, problem solving, and thinking through moves before we make them (all traits we are furiously working on in life with our wonders day in and day out). Especially for kids with trauma, these pathways in his brain (overriding “fight or flight” with “stop, breathe, think”) need to be reinforced over and over again and chess is a great vehicle to make that happen! He joined an after school chess club this year and we’ve seen some amazing improvements in his schoolwork, attention and general temperament since he started.They have all-day chess tournaments around the county (who knew???) so we got to partake in one at FHS last week and it was such a fun and relaxing day supporting him (and running into old friends – bonus!!!!). I am really grateful WonderBOY has found something other than sports he can devote some time and energy into to become the well-rounded man I wish for him to be!My friend Anna sent me this great article highlighting the benefits of this great game that I thought I would pass along to you too. Click here to read!

On all the shootings…

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Here is the truth – I go dark when there is a school shooting. I obsess over the news and my husband has to force the tv off. I have massive anxiety at school. I run around and check our crisis plans at school and annoy all my people trying to find it and check it’s validity. I read all the Facebook posts and get sad over and over. My husband tells me sadly that he knows in this situation, I would most definitely sacrifice my life for the life of my students (as is reverse for his first responder self as well). But mostly I hope that I won’t have the reoccurring nightmare that’s been haunting me since One Tree Hill’s school shooting episode way back when. I get anxiety because what I know is that people/kids that do this are STRUGGLING. Whether it’s mental health, childhood abuse or family/attachment dysfunction – the hurt is so bad that they feel it has to come out in this most brutal way. And my entire life’s work is working closely with these people and these children and working tirelessly to make sure it doesn’t happen here.But my work stops at 3:30 in the afternoon. And it stops when a family can’t access mental health resources due to language barriers or insurance barriers or an incredibly long waiting list barrier. And unfortunately it stops when people blame guns (although I think gun control is a needed topic to discuss) or politicians (although I think there are obvious problems here) or parenting styles (although shifts in society are concerning to me in this realm too). So what can we do? We can love. And we can report suspicious activity and suspicious people. We can pray. We can teach our children that reporting is a life-saving behavior, not “narking”. We can monitor our childrens’ social media and teach them about the harmful effects of comments like “KYS” (kill yourself) and other such anonymous feeling disses. We can attack bullying head on with clear policies and an increase in social/emotional lessons teaching empathy and how to manage stress. But most of all, we can love. On kids that our ours and the ones that are not. Love on the kids that have no one and on the ones that seem to have everything but when they go home and lock themselves in their room to hurt others online, show that they are truly alone.

Now to get back to that work with my own hurting little beings in my home and in my school…..one day at a time. ❤

Click here for a great article on how to talk with your children about school violence.

On the “trend” that is Essential Oils….

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My Journey
I became super interested in essential oils as I began researching recipes to create my own non-toxic cleaners for our house in the Spring of 2014. After being disturbed by loving a documentary one of my bestie’s worked on called The Human Experiment, I knew I wanted to eliminate these toxic chemicals from our home. When almost every recipe I found included essential oils, I decided to invest in a starter kit.What I didn’t know at that time was that the oils I received were not only going to help make the cleaners, they were going to explode in usage for emotions and multiple other ailments and struggles within our newly formed family of 4! I would have saved a whole lot of money in that first investment if I would have splurged for a bigger kit now that I know how much I ended up using and buying later for more money. You live you learn right…….What’s all the fuss about Essential Oils?
Did you know that the first prescription ever recorded was for frankincense oil? The second was for peppermint oil. There is so much natural medicine at our disposal, we just have to know where to look. Some of the mostly widely used medications today were originally sourced from plants. By using essential oils we are simply remembering the things many people and cultures have used for thousands of years. Returning to ancient solutions where caretakers used the pure essential part of plants, trees and vegetation to help with stomach ailments to sleep apnea and everything in between… solutions that don’t have a long list of side effects or warning labels.

Essential oils don’t just mask symptoms. They bring change to the body at a cellular level, dealing with the root issue and supporting your system as a whole. Because of legalities, I can’t tell you that oils will “cure, treat or prevent” issues you may be facing, but I can give you testimonies (many from me and my family) about how oils have been life-changing.  I want to help mamas like me, and others, create a healthy home life for their families in a modern way using sources that have been around for ages.

I also think the oils are an incredibly powerful tool in helping all members of your family navigate emotional highs and lows. In our culture, anxiety is not a disorder that some people have…..I believe that most people are on a spectrum of emotional wellness and that we all struggle with anxiety/depression/fears. Sharing the oils has helped reduce stigma with my immediate circle of friends and family but also to women and mamas that I newly get to meet…..strong emotions are normal in you and your children!!! And when they strike…..some of the oils and blends are here to help ground and support you as you cope (plus I get to talk about Inside Out – and you all know how much I love that movie).

What ARE the side effects???
I can tell you that I HAVE experienced some side effects from using the oils……like an amazing and growing circle of passionate women and people that love to help others AND some extra spending money just by hosting classes and educating others on how the oils might help them too. My family chooses to save and use this extra money on family memory-making vacations like our Spring break “traincation” two years ago and most recently, it helped pay for half of our very merry Disney Cruise-mas. This side gig has helped me live out my “why” in ways that go beyond my school counseling and coaching professions and has expanded into influencing my social circle and supports as well. So grateful…..

Want to know more or ask me some questions??? Fill out this quick form and we’ll go from there!

P.S. I love to send free samples – tell me what and where and they’ll at your door to try from the safety of your own home within days!

4 year Live-a-versary!

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A little back story…..when we started our journey with our Wonders, we were unsure how much time we would get with them. At that time, we decided to celebrate each month with a special “Live-a-versary” to honor their presence in our lives and give them rituals to look forward to (not knowing whether we would ever get to celebrate a birthday or holiday with them).

We have done small things like a trip to a park or candlelight dinner and then big events like a weekend trip touring Seattle and the space needle…..but they always include lots of toasts with fancy drinks, time to reflect back on our time as a family/team and making newer commitments to each other heading forward.

Last night, we decided to recreate where we went on our first family date and the restaurant where we dreamed up our name “Team Brave Dinosaurs.” The full story (and first family selfie) of our first nights together can be read here. We also celebrate 6 months with BraveGIRL and love her special place in our hearts and our home. Here is what everyone stated as their favorite part of the last 4 years (and 6 months).

Daddy: Our adoption day and the first week Emily came home to stay

Mama: When all 5 of us fit on our big couch and watch a movie or show together and family sleepovers!

WonderGIRL: Getting adopted and coming home to a safe home every day from school (added from her words “I used to hate the bell at the end of the day or right before a break and would dread getting on the bus. Now I am excited to come home and see all you guys.”)

WonderBOY (complete with a fever who slept through dinner poor guy): All of our trips as a family, especially the cruise and Silverwood.

BraveGIRL: My favorite thing I’ve learned from living here is that when you fight, all you have to do is talk about it, apologize and it doesn’t last forever. I’m not used to that in my family (enter me tearing up here)

Rexie Ralphie: Clearly his favorite part is the luxurious rugs in the house for him to receive a personal back massage at all hours of the day/night.

On what they need to see in a marriage….

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As I have talked about multiple times on the blog, my sweet husband and I’s relationship has been a blessed but rocky road of overcoming many things (as many marriages are). We began seeking counseling before we were married and continue to work on our relationship and our own baggage and trust issues from childhood.

Now that our marriage is an example for our children heading into the real world, I constantly reflect on what we are showcasing to them on a daily basis and whether or not it will help or hurt them build a solid long-lasting relationship to start their own families.

And at the beginning of our placement with the Wonders, I would feel soooo guilty about any fighting or arguing that happened in front of the kiddos. They would hear our snarky voices or us walking away from each other in anger…..or they would observe our passive aggressive actions and comments that we tried to disguise in “adult language.” We would try and include them in the restore and forgiveness stage of this conflict so they could learn that arguing doesn’t always lead to someone leaving (a message engrained in their minds and hearts from childhood) but sometimes I still wondered if it was ruining their hopes of this new family environment being perfect in every way for them.

But OUR wonders may need to see something different than other children who have been raised in a healthily attached home. Just like our relationship is burdened with triggers and ghosts from a traumatic childhood, theirs will be too. They will struggle with trusting their partner, crippled with fear that something bad is always going to happen, unable to enjoy a positive period because of that imminent fear…..and these things will drain them and their partner be harmful to their relationship IF they don’t know any ways to get through this.

What I hope and pray they see in our marriage is:
– as many “I forgive you’s” as apologies
– even when mean words are said, we restore and come back together
– no one ever leaves (and if they do, it’s a coping strategy and they always come back)
– daily choosing to commit to their partner no matter what they have been through (and multiple home decor signs documenting this just in case we forget – wink wink)
– respectful language around feelings and actions, not blaming and accusations
– this relationship is HARD WORK…..and that hard work needs to happen often for it to survive
– tears and strong feelings mean the relationship is important, not that that the relationship is doomed to end
– non-perfect people make non-perfect marriages –> and imperfection means a huge need for communication, emotional coping skills, and forgiveness