Hindsight is 2020

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  1. The day that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were announced the winners of the 2020 election – although so many things happened in my family this year that kinda defined the year, the hope and relief that moment held was hugely impactful for me.
  2. Relying on exercise, movement, and meditation to keep me mentally and emotionally strong for my family.

3. Drinking a glass of wine/beer each night – figured out this severely impacted my sleep and my mood the next day.

4. My creative problem solving and reliance on my knowledge of trauma even when faced with “authorities” who claim to know more/differently.

5. Public speaking (writing?) about trauma, education, healing, etc.

6. That systems are broken, are subjective, and human error (even with the best of intentions) in a matter of seconds can change history….especially in the case of CPS, police investigations, racism, discipline in schools, equity in education. I already knew this on a theoretical level, but our involvement with these systems this year really brought me new perspective and lowered my overall trust in many things.

7. Our attachment therapist – hands down. Literally an angel placed in our lives 4 years ago (okay not placed, I actually stalked her in order to get her in my family’s life) and I don’t know how I would have gotten through this year without her. And my former stepmother, who stepped up to take WonderGIRL for 3 months during the hardest season of this year. I do not know what we would have done without her stepping up (and whether or not WG would still be here if she didn’t).

8. I am thankful for these silver linings (this could probably be its own post):
– trauma-informed classrooms and increased focus on social emotional health in schools
– zoom learning for WG and WB (with their attention and focus issues, this has actually benefited their learning big time)
– attachment and trust that has come after WonderGIRL’s spinal fusion surgery in September
– Scott’s openness to different modes of healing/therapy
– more people open to natural solutions for mental and physical health
– date nights outside under cozy tents
– learning that I am more of a homebody than I thought and the slower pace of life without over scheduling is key to our collective wellness
– soft clothes, pajamas, jumpers please and thank you
– so much board game time with our kiddos this year (Dutch Blitz, Phase 10, and Sequence)
– extra time for camping and road trips
– no Fall volleyball season means I got to celebrate my birthday in Vegas with my girlies!

9. Dear self (full of optimism and vision and hope),
Hold on for dear life. You know what you’re doing. They need you. You will get to the other side. It’s okay not to be okay.
Love,
Me (full of more accurate vision of reality and still a little hope left)

10. Wildest dreams for 2021: More time for this……

Just kidding (kind of). Still marinating on what next year could look like….stay tuned!

On the quiet of this space

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I’ve only written 13 blog posts this year – my quietest writing year yet. Although the written words have been missing, my brain (and iPhone notes) have been alive with an almost overwhelming amount of thoughts, action plans, new understandings and unlearning of things I thought I knew. I do know for certain that 2020 was a monumental year for our family – some pretty tragic things happened that changed the gameplan for our future…..as well as some miracles that gave me hope along the way.

I want to capture those contradictory circumstances somehow here….for future generations to read and learn from our mistakes and our wins. To reflect on this historical year of 2020 and all that it was in the world, in our culture, and in my teeny tiny family as well. While I don’t have a whole lot going on this week (besides holding a few things together by a thread – see below image), it is my intention to reflect and wrap things up with some blog posts so stay tuned…..and join along in this reflection party if you’d like! I would love some (virtual) company!

On our cozy Covid Christmas

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To be honest, this year didn’t look a whole lot different for us….we learned early with the kiddos (this is our 6th Christmas with our Wonders!) that a ton of events around this holiday is NOT healthy for any of us. So just like in years past, we spread out family gatherings (and used masks when appropriate), we had a slow Christmas morning with minimal presents and stimuli, and increased the answer “yes” to many of their requests.

Here are a few happy pictures I want to remember from this year:

New happy jams – and the perfect Christmas card picture we took the day after I ordered our Christmas cards. Just the way 2020 worked for all of us…..bad timing!
  • Waiting for Daddy to get off work was hard!
  • New DJ set….
  • Vampire diaries swag.
  • All the cat toys!
  • Watching WW1984 as a family!
And because it’s funny – I went crazy with the Snapchat filters on Savannah and he hated every moment of it. Scott at work thoroughly enjoyed however.

On Gramma turning 90!

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I have been so lucky to live so close and have this woman in my life for my entire life – today she turns 90!!!! Her strength and stories of the ups and downs of motherhood are my favorite….

I got a very special visit yesterday and got to gift her some special video love from all of her grands and great grands.

Much needed for both of our spirits. ❤️

Happy birthday Gramma!!! Oodles and oodles of love….

On retirement

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Today was my Mom’s last day of work at a credit union she’s been at for 36 years!!! I have so many memories of her at work and all of the incredible people she has worked with so I can’t even imagine how bittersweet this might feel for her…..

Without the ability to throw a party, her coworkers (and us family members) got to be creative in how to celebrate her and her legacy of hard work and dedication to this place and their members.

The siblings and I each took a day to deliver a surprise to her for her last week. My day was Thursday but since I also had to work, we did a little secret mission Wednesday night for her to see the next morning.

Her coworkers organized a video with past colleagues sharing messages of love and appreciation so we joined in the fun with a little addition from her kiddos. Click here to see video.

As with any retirement, this brings up wonderings about my impact and how colleagues and clients will view me 30 years from now. I love thinking long term and keeping this big picture in mind to help clarify and motivate me for all the little stuff I do now…..

Happy retirement Mom!!! We’ll have to come up with some creative ways to keep you from being bored here in the next couple of weeks…..

On that new toy

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This bike and app has gotten me through one of the darkest years I’ve experienced so far.

Working out in short bursts by myself at home is the key combo for me….someone prone to disordered exercise, calorie counting and shameful body comparison. I am sad it has taken me so long to figure it out but am grateful to this little Peloton family I have cultivated to join me on rides and celebrate the milestones with!!!

I have exercised more days than not this year which I can’t say has really happened since college!!!

On the newest members of Team HB

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These two little guys were rescued from a no-good, ugly situation (thank you Rescue Pet Vet) and since our family is pretty good at accepting and loving on siblings from no-good, ugly situations….we couldn’t pick just one and separate them. ?⁣⁣

Introducing Hamilton and Hallford – our Wonders’ first last names and part of what makes M and T so special and so strong. We wanted to honor that piece of their world as well as their first Mom Maria Hallford who passed away earlier this year. ⁣⁣

And yes we now have 4 cats. And yes I’m a crazy cat lady. And yes they’re going camping with us. I think that covers all the questions….

Scott adds: “And yes I was as surprised as you are.” (hehe he was on shift – we went for one, came home with 2!)

On the aftermath

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OOF – I was NOT prepared for how hard it was going to be to support WonderGIRL’s recovery at home from this procedure. Up all night, trying to manage the excruciating pain and pain meds, and the needs of other members of our family was something I am sure newborn parents know the demands of, but we had never experienced.

Luckily, brother and Dad were great helps in keeping her brain distracted from the pain (shows she binged: Vampire Diaries (again), The New Girl, Julie and the Phantoms) and going on walks in the sunshine.

The care and exchanges that happened during this time were so powerful for WG to attach to me….something that hadn’t happened in 6 years of her living with us. Many do not know, but WG has suffered from reactive attachment disorder for most of our time together – meaning she very easily trusts and attaches to most humans, but hasn’t to us, her caregivers and especially me, her mother. Up until this point, she hasn’t come to me for help when needed, doesn’t miss me when away, and doesn’t actively seek out any affection or attention from me.

The bonds that happened during this recovery were just what she needed to feel tethered to me and on the first day I went back to work in-person, I got many text messages “missing me.” She even told me after work that she thought something was wrong with her because she “thought about me all day.” We got to explain that this was actually normal for children and similar to what a toddler feels when being dropped at childcare for the day. I am grateful for this surgery in giving us all chances to heal and move forward.

A few progression pics from her one-month follow up appointment and scar healing:

This is “Mocha”, WG’s Higgy Bear, a present we found for her on the day of her one-month check up. She named him Mocha, in honor of the winner of the nurse milkshake competition. We got her a monkey, since she was telling all nurses that she wanted to get a pet monkey when she grows up while under the influence of her pain meds.

Upon returning home, a dip in the hot tub was the first “cleared” adventure.

Thank you all of your love and check-ins on her progress. We are still amazed at the freedom that this procedure has given her….and can’t wait to see her mobility and flexibility grow and grow in the months and years ahead.

On the surgery and recovery

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After almost 8 hours in surgery, our surgeon came out to let me know that everything went smoothly with the procedure….and what an amazing procedure it is – 2 rods and 22 screws later!

I’m still in awe!

I will say, WonderGIRL coming down from the anesthesia was filled with scary delusions and statements. I am glad I was assertive in asking I be there for this process (they usually don’t let parents in until the patient is all the way lucid) as her past abuse and trauma coming out would have been handled differently by nurses if I had not been there to assure her safety.

That day was also filled with some pretty cute and funny statements.

The following days in the hospital were HARD – she was emotional, in pain, and scared. With only me being there, I didn’t have anyone to “tag in” to the room to support her which was taxing at best. We are so grateful to the nurses in the hospital – they were amazing with WG and participated in her milkshake competitions with joy. `

As soon as WG was out of surgery, she was even asking for Nurse Amy (from the clinic) when barely lucid. Here is a pic with Nurse Amy 2 days after surgery:

Recovery from this surgery is intense – sitting up on day 1 and walking on day 2!! This video of her walking and the amazing nurse guiding her gives me all the proud mama feels….here is a peek at what her scar looks like on Day 3:

On day 4, WG had met all of her post-surgical goals and we got the okay to go home (after leaving with what felt like half the pharmacy at Children’s). As you can imagine, the 1.5 hour ride home with a spinal fusion surgical patient in the passenger seat was a nervous one for me, the driver. About halfway home, our moon roof window IMPLODED and sounded like a bomb went off on top of our car….anxiety times 100 for the rest of the drive home (also….so many pot holes in our neighborhood – sorry sis!).

We arrived home in tears but was quickly encouraged with an outpouring of love from our loved ones….

Next up – recovery at home and how it has impacted our relationships.

On the lead-up to Spinal Fusion Surgery

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WonderGIRL was originally scheduled to have this Spinal Fusion Surgery in November of last year….due to the Children’s Hospital having some mold issues, the surgery was postponed (then Covid, then more mold….then we got a date)!

WG’s scoliosis had progressed to the point of needing surgery (see above x-ray) which you can imagine caused a huge amount of anxiety for her. Any major medical procedure is, of course, cause for anxiety, but for a childhood victim of sexual abuse – the vulnerability of being under anesthesia while strangers “fixed” your body really took a lot of counseling sessions and pep talks to even agree to the surgery. Even when she brought this fear up to her surgeon, the doctor’s response of “You won’t even remember it” did not appease the anxiety at all, instead, it multiplied the fear.

I documented the entire journey on my Instagram stories here if you want to peek – I’ll share a few highlights throughout my blog posts as well.

We had to go down to Seattle the day before for her Covid test and stayed in a hotel nearby….saying goodbye to little bro and Dad were hard (only 1 parent was allowed in the hospital due to Covid) but we tried to have a calm night before heading in early to her procedure.

She was so incredibly brave the morning of, amidst many tears…here she is waiting for the anesthesiologist to come in at 6am in the morning.

More to come on the surgery day and recovery….