Thanks and giving 2018

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For the past 60 days or so I’ve been starting each morning by writing 10 things I’m grateful for and it has really shifted my lens and perspective throughout my busy days. A few things that popped up more than a few times in those lists:

My team – and not all the wins but their personalities and time together was a blessing every day. Especially during our last week after practices, I had to tell them to go home and stop trying to hang out in the gym longer…..
Love these little cuties and their constant following me around the house hoping to get fed. Rex and Sav have become best buds…..
My family and the love and support they give to me (especially during volleyball season – at least now as a coach they are watching me get way more wins than my time as an athlete).
Oils…..duh!!! But really, having these in our lives to address both emotional and physical struggles for all members of our family is a DAILY blessing that sometimes I take for granted. And then when I get all excited about them again, I can’t shut up about them and make all my friends and family join me…..you’re welcome (and sorry all at the same time).
The success of the Cougars this Fall has been exciting to watch and experience (both football and volleyball in case you weren’t aware)…..AND for the record, a lot of people have said to me this season “It’s a good time to be a Coug fan” to which I reply….”It’s always a good time to be a Coug fan.” I love that others are noticing the love of WSU, but one thing I know for sure is that our “fan-ship” includes the same amount of love no matter if we’re 8-1 or 1-8 and I love that it’s been showcased nationally this season.This man….the rock and single father during volleyball season of our family. I love that we both support each others’ passions and have been super intentional this season about sticking together and getting through a relatively hard season with our kiddos.
I am always grateful for my three Wonders but am particularly grateful for all of their hard work in counseling and personal development. Especially my teenagers in a constant quest for more freedom and privileges, they are working hard to earn trust in becoming young adults.
Naps…always thankful for naps. I’ve already taken 3 this week and it’s not even the weekend yet.

All good things…

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Must come to an end. Excerpt from Instagram:

It’s been hard for me to capture what this season meant to me….but it means a whole lot more than our place in league, districts or state. It’s the family we created, the trust these players and families gifted to me along the journey, the packed gyms and a supportive community, an amazing coaching staff to help guide this crazy crew, and above all an entire 3 months filled with joy, laughter and LOVE. #unicornszn #forever #ferndalevolleyball #coachlife #ONE #clockingout

On our #unicornszn

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Excerpt from my Ferndale volleyball Facebook page:

The story behind this whole “unicorn” business in Ferndale Volleyball 2018 history…..

Way back at the start of the season, I was interviewed by a local newspaper. As per usual, I was speaking in “elementary school counselor speak” about my magical and unique team calling them my unicorns. Then I quickly asked the reporter to not use that line in his actual article….I came back to the girls a bit embarrassed at my terms and told them this story. They laughed (at me) and we moved on…..

The next day, I got some excited texts from the players highlighting that the reporter not only used the phrase, but included it in the headline of the article, “Ferndale Volleyball enters Unicorn year”. ?‍♀️

We have since fully embraced this label of ? magic, glitter, and unique-ness ? because truly this team and the loving hearts that create it are something we need to honor and not take for granted. The amount of talent is there yes….but the amount of hard work, character and care for each other is a RARE find for a team as talented as this one. I teach the girls to take every day and moment and practice as an opportunity they will never get back to enjoy each other and improve in this safe environment…..and they have done that each step of the way.

So Tuesday night at our home district match, the theme is unicorns. And as the rainbows, horns, and glitter fill our home gymnasium, we hope you will feel part of this “something special” we have going and come along for the ride. #hornsup #unicornszn #ferndalevolleyball

On encouraging “thinking”

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Here are a few strategies or prompts to help develop your child’s “wonder”, curiosity and ability to think through different scenarios when faced with a question or struggle.

  1. Don’t answer their question(s) with your sage wisdom…..I know this is counterintuitive to the whole “I’m the parent and I need to teach my child all the things so they are a super genius when they get older.” But, a true genius thinks for themselves OR they have a super genius knack for knowing where to find the answer. Brain development happens when we…..wait for the shocking news…..actually use our brains. Just like our muscles, when we use them more, they get bigger/stronger/faster. If we are answering ALL of the questions or allowing our little ones to run to Alexa/google when the question looms, this “muscle/brain building” will not happen.
  2. When your little one comes to you with a social conflict…..
    First, go with empathy….”man that sounds really hard. I’ve had that happen to me and I felt really __________  (frustrated, left out, sad, choose any Inside Out Character here for street cred).
    Then, go with curiosity…..”what do you think you might do next?”
    Then…..(most important step)…..encourage them to try it…..(even more important)….EVEN IF you know with your sage wisdom that it’s a terrible solution and it will fall flat on its face. Falling flat on said face is LEARNING (cue….your sweet cherub learning to walk….face plant….walk….side of a table….you get the point).
  3. When your child/teen comes to you with a problem at school….hesitate on the whole “superhero swoop” phenomenon that is happening left and right these days. Allow some time to brainstorm what your child can do with their team of trusted adults at school to problem solve on their own. Have they already had a discussion with their teacher/coach/peer yet? Are they comfortable doing that? If not, can they practice with you so it’s easier?
    – There is a mass exodus happening on college campuses right now where college freshmen are flocking back home after just a few weeks “on their own” due to extreme anxiety and lack of skills to function as an adult. We need to arm our teens (when appropriate and safe) with freedom to work out their own problems, improve their grades on their own effort, have conversations with adults to move forward with a problem so they can learn these skills before leaving your nest. And if they fail, we brainstorm coping skills with them and we encourage them to use them. We don’t shame them for failing….we praise them for trying.
  4. This one is very popular and pretty well known but it’s so important that it bears repeating….let them be bored. Let your child sit and stare out of a window (it’s a beautiful world out there). Let your child sit at a restaurant and wait for food without a screen…..maybe even engage in a little conversation if the mood fits. Limit their screen time – my only soap box on screens….while I love screens and they can be a valuable tool in certain situations, their very design is IMMEDIATE gratification…..the repeating of this for hours on end is very damaging to the brain’s need for rest, stillness, and the message that “we don’t always get what we want by tapping a screen over and over.”

Perhaps within your organization or your family, you can think of a few ways today you can develop these seriously tough muscles of thinking. Ask a new question or even better yet, DON’T answer a new question…..or encourage your child to “wonder about that.” I got a message from a sweet professional who engaged her staff of youth counselors in this discussion and they brainstormed ways within their programs they could further develop their children’ autonomy in thinking. What a powerful way to push kiddos and build up their independence??? Love it!!!!

2 years as Team HB!!!

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Although this week is a bit crazy, we love looking back on our super lovey, super fun adoption day. Our hopes on this day were BIG….that our Wonders would feel content and fulfilled in our forever family and that the fear of abandonment would diminish by each passing day. And we have grown so much in this effort, yet (per usual), my timeline has needed to be adjusted for growth on their terms and not what my big hopes and dreams mapped out for them.

Each year during this week, their bodies and minds just “know”…..they have big scary nightmares and are constantly on edge. Even though in our hearts, this is one of the happiest memories we hold dear…..for them, it was a scary jump into an unknown that we are so proud they took. Each day I am grateful they trusted us with their forever….

Two nights ago, WonderGIRL and BraveGIRL surprised us by performing an originally written song they have been working on for weeks. Check my facebook page for the video (with permission to post), but their words pictured below are everything to me. Love them so so so much.

On the crisis of childhood…

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I have seen and experienced a lot in my years of school counseling and then recently, in my interactions with my own children and others in our community. And what I know for certain is that kiddos are struggling now more than ever. Epidemics of anxiety, suicidal ideation, and mental health struggles are one on the rise and our school counselors, teachers and mental health professionals are working OVERTIME to help the overwhelming number of kiddos dealing with these issues.

I have been asked multiple times “why” this might be….many people like to place blame on broken families, divorce, unstable jobs, drugs, and alcohol but I have some different theories that I thought maybe I would try to put into words here on my blog. My theory is not placing blame but instead highlights something that we are not developing in our kiddos from a very young age (and sometimes for very good reasons) – and that THING is that we are not encouraging and developing our kiddos’ ability to THINK.

To think is to pay attention to the ongoing narrative inside of our brains. To think is to sit and ponder something WITHOUT automatically getting the answer from someone (or google/Alexa/Apple Watch, etc.). To think is to problem solve. To think is to calm ourselves down. Thinking is not just for academic subjects but should be happening each waking moment. But if you were to ask today’s nation of kids “when do you think” – they will most likely say…..in class/school. To which I try to educate them in that they are THINKING all of the time. Those are not VOICES inside of your head that magical fairies put there…..that is your brain and it the most powerful tool you have to stay safe, thrive, and have healthy relationships. But in order to use it as a tool, you have to KNOW it is there and pay attention!!! And in order to know it is there and pay attention, you have to STOP and listen.

Our society as a whole, including this huge generation of kiddos are pretty terrible at one thing – stopping. And when we don’t stop, we don’t listen. We don’t pay attention. We don’t brainstorm alternative solutions. We don’t always choose empathy and compassion. We don’t proceed with caution…..instead we proceed with blazing, dangerous full speed ahead, no matter what is in our path.So how do we fix this? What do we do within our families and our schools to help our children develop these SKILLS (yes skills, not natural God-given IQ, brain power)? What can parents do? School systems? I will go into this on part 2 of this blog post later this week…..if you have any thoughts or wonderings about this topic, please feel free to leave comments or questions. I would love to see them!!!

On moving on…

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Fall is here and I am ready….mostly because I am pretty pumped September is outta here!!! We went through some stressful times in our fam last month so we are ALL ready to move onward and upward together!!!

We had one week in particular in September that was nothing short of a steaming hot mess. While walking hand in hand with each kiddo through that in their own ways, me and WG stopped to name all the bad stuff and then also all the good stuff we could think of. And admidst the mess, there was so much to be thankful for. I’d thought I would share a few of those bright spots here:

1. This manWe are bonded through battle….becoming a united front and navigating this parenting kids from hard places gig has stretched our relationship in ways we could have never done on our own. I am grateful to him everyday that he said yes and continues to say yes to the chaos showered over us daily.

2. This teamI am the luckiest coach to show up everyday and teach/guide these young women to be the best versions of themselves and team they can be. They are ridiculously funny, loving and hard working and it’s resulted in an undefeated season so far and a few more celebrations are sure to be on the horizon for this squad.

3. My new positionThis new “systems” level work in my district has been a whole new world for me as I’ve been so used to working directly with students day in and day out. I am starting to appreciate the process as much as the outcome (this is challenging for me to wait for as many of you know). It has been just what my mom heart needed to not have my compassion and patience stretched so thin at school that I couldn’t be the best mother I needed to be at home. I am very proud of the work our team has been working on and can’t wait to see the potential play out for our students, families and community!

I challenge you to start this new month with gratitude….and if anyone would like to join me in prayers for some of the lessons learned in September buying us at least one month of calm in October, Team Hoelzle-Brown would greatly appreciate it. ??????

On Wondergirl’s new school

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For multiple years, we have been contemplating that public education might not be the best fit for our WonderGIRL. And not because I don’t fully believe in the public education system, because I completely do (as its one of my biggest life purposes and passions). But the education system, as it stands right now, automatically assumes that the age and grade of child determines what they are capable of. And with WG and so many other kiddos with significant trauma, this is not the case. Much research actually shows that children coming from significant trauma are about HALF their age in social and emotional development. Imagine having an 8 year old go to school with high school freshmen and sophomores…..ack!!!!After WG was not able to keep herself safe and out of harm’s way freshmen year at our public high school, we decided to try a small private school setting here in town. Being in a classroom with only 12 students and ONE teacher all day long is such a good fit for her. Less peers to be distracted by and less adults to manipulate and students that are a little more “her speed” when it comes to social and emotional problem solving. Although there are other challenges and setbacks with this choice as always, so far we are happy with our decision and WG is really trying to rise to our expectations of her.Parenting WG has been by far the HARDEST thing I have ever done. And not because her behaviors and challenges are big and scary but because I am having to change and release my own hopes and dreams for how much her story will be changed in the relatively short time we have had her. I am in a true grieving process right now…..what if she doesn’t change? What if she never learns about cause and effect? What if she always walks to that van of puppies and accepts the invitation to come inside??? Every core of my being believes that kids and people can change with the right supports and the right teaching….but the drastic changes that are needed with this one might not get there before we lose her to 18 and what will most likely be a desperate need to be out on her own. Many outsiders looking in see her for what I hope people always see in her….joy, energy, compassion, helpfulness…..but underneath there is significant brain damage from a traumatic birth journey and even more significant emotional damage from a significant abuse history.

So I am choosing to rewrite the story of parenting her and rewriting my own goals and dreams and wishes for her future……and learning to be okay in that editing process. Being okay with a future that might look different than what I thought for her…..and fighting for all the supports and therapy and healing that we can fit in the next two years while she is with us in our unconditional and loving home.Picture above of me and my girls….reminding me to look inside at their hearts….filled with love, but filled with a million little holes poked by a million different hurts that all of my love and effort and affirmations leak out of on a daily/hourly/second basis. So we start again like we do every morning…..looking to plug one hole so that another one shows itself for tomorrow. Time to go to work…..

On #couplegoals

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Like many other women these days, I have been drinking up the Rachel Hollis Kool-aid, complete with reading her book, consuming all of her online content and listening to her new podcast with her husband. She is a force of a woman and I love that about her. I also appreciate her intentional moves with her husband to connect and plan their life….something that’s been nagging at my heart and our marriage for a while as we navigate a new life with 3 older children.Once I thought through some of the latest squabbles in our relationship, so many of them came from little misunderstandings about our busy schedule. Honoring your partner’s need for hobbies, and interests and yes their own life AND getting all the kids to all the things is a tricky balance. I love Rachel’s suggestion of sitting down each Sunday and going through the week…we are one month into this new adventure and it’s been a great connecting point at the end of each weekend and has made our weeks (filled with three different school schedules, my volleyball schedule, and Scott’s hunting) feel a little bit smoother.We have also been trying to get a monthly date night in starting this summer and hopefully continuing….making this an effort will not only improve our own connection, but also show our kiddos who are starting to be interested in romantic relationships a positive model of respect and pursuing your partner, even as adult married (yet still independent) humans.

One conversation we held during a date night during the summer was setting our VALUES as a couple. I thought I would document those here (just in case we lose our way and the only way back is to google search my blog for important life contents).

Scott and Patti’s Relationship Values (in no particular order of importance):
1. Quality time together – yearly vacations, building downtime into weekends (saying no to all the invites)
2. Communication about conflict/feelings – we don’t keep things under wraps and we don’t allow our children to let things go “unresolved” (we also resolve our conflict in front of our children….hoping they see the problem solving, grace, and forgiveness involved in a true relationship)
3. Personal Growth – we believe in therapy, we believe in personal growth books, we believe in moving forward and becoming better selves
4. Pursuit of passions – each of us has passions outside of our family and we support each other in time away to enjoy those things
5. Traditions/Celebrations – we love yearly chances to celebrate family moments and we do so, unapologetically…..live-a-versaries, forever family days, birthdays, behavior improvement rewards, etc.Have you tried this with your partner or children?? It turned out to be a great conversation and led me to do some analyzing about how we spend our time and whether or not that REALLY matched up with the values we agreed upon. Happy Thursday everyone!

August recap

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Wow. A whole month has gone by and I haven’t posted!!!! August was a fun month filled with last chance summer trips, together time and prepping for school/volleyball.

Here are a few shots to sum it all up:

While September is in full swing and our calendar is filled with all sorts of goodness, posts to come include a new adventure for WonderGIRL, some intentional steps in our marriage, and some thoughts on the hard job of growing up. Intention is my focus for September and that includes what I document here in this space…..hope you are having a great transition to Fall my friends!