TBD and our Christmas story….

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image4Last year’s Christmas was our first one with WonderGIRL and WonderBOY and we definitely learned a lot. While Scott and I absolutely loved the magic that comes with celebrating this special time with little ones (melt my heart the picture above reading on Christmas Eve), we hit some hard road bumps that now we get to tweak for Christmas part 2.0 with Team Brave Dinosaurs. When inviting kids with trauma into your home, you are also inviting their own family traditions, gift-giving mindsets, and some emotional baggage from hard family get-togethers in as well. WG in particular has some anniversary trauma around Christmas time that really spikes her anxiety and mood swings – this was highlighted by her having to testify about this holiday season this past Spring. We try to be very mindful with our time, our own traditions, and how we set up holiday get-togethers to best set them up for success and to help all of us stay focused on “the reason for the season” during these busy weeks.
IMG_3404THE GIFTS
Gift-giving has been used very manipulatively with our little ones in the past. Wrapped gifts were given after traumatic events to rebuild false trust and apologies that never resulted in changed behavior. WG and WB were inundated with gifts and “stuff” without the love and trust that is supposed to accompany those same gifts. We also knew that anticipation of gifts and surprises are hard for them – the same rush of excitement we get when we feel suspense, their little bodies and brains read as danger and fear and can cause some pretty serious outbursts and behavior. We decided to tell them ahead of time that they were getting 4 gifts from us (what to read, need, wear, want) and a small gift on Christmas Eve. This alleviated the anticipation with realistic expectations of Christmas morning. We also put out most of their presents ahead of time to avoid sneaking around, snooping, etc. They also completely believe that we have traps set up (we love some good Spy Kids action) around the house and tree to catch them snooping.

Scott and I have always loved buying gifts for families in need during this holiday season. We would take the money normally spent on each other and use that towards “sponsoring” a family. On Christmas morning, we open sweet and creative love notes to each other that I treasure re-reading each year. We hoped that the kiddos would buy into this tradition and so they got to write us letters last year and they were SO flippin’ adorable. This also took away any pressure or burden for them to gift us anything as we explained we had everything we needed in each other (you get to be that cheesy with kiddos in your house during holiday season right????).

While we had our little family of 4 COVERED as far as gifts, we also had to carefully navigate how to ask our families to respect the childrens’ unique needs and that big toy-related gifts were not what WE wanted for their holiday season. Our parents and siblings were very respectful (for the most part) of our request – WG and WB were showered with cool magazine and kit subscriptions, gymnastics lessons, and other cool experiences they got to do with the people they have come to love the most in our world. What I especially loved about these “experience” gifts was that the holiday joy and love was spread out throughout the year and when we would complete them, WG and WB would get to appreciate the person and the gift so much more! This blog post does a wonderful job explaining how to request a more simple Christmas and has an awesome list of non-toy related gifts you can pass on to loved ones.

OUR TIME
Everything gets squeezed into the schedule during December doesn’t it? Christmas programs, church events, birthday parties and belt testing for Tae Kwon Do…..my planners really earn their stripes during this busy time of year. And while personally, I absolutely LOVE the social parts and the reunions – my family (hubby included) really don’t deal well with such a busy schedule. I try to spread our events out as evenly as I can and I say NO to many things (I believe the appropriate hashtag here would be #sorrynotsorry).

What I have also found useful in event planning is to not tell the kiddos far in advance what we’re doing. Again, the anticipation of a fun event for them can often be twisted around in their brains/hearts and can dramatically spike their behavior in the wrong direction. Instead we try to have very low-key mornings the day of and then with an hour to go until an event, we start getting ready and dressed and off we go! Oftentimes, other adults will ask WG or WB, “Are you getting excited for __________ (insert fun event here)?” and they will have such a cute, but blank expressions because we haven’t really told them anything yet. And for us, that’s what works. Until it might not this year…..then the countdown to an even better TBD Christmas 3.0 is on!!!!

Merry Christmas friends – thank you for reading and supporting our little clan!!!

Countdown to Christmas

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There are all sorts of drool-worthy advent/countdown calendars popping up on my Facebook and Pinterest feeds yesterday and today (touche crafty friends, touche). Although ours is humble in physical appearance, it is mighty in emotional and spritual impact. Plus, it’s super easy to whip out in about an hour or so!

We make 24 paper strips to make one long paper chain. Last year, we used up some of my 12×12 paper stash left over from my Treasury of Memories days. This year? Upcycling those beautiful Trader Joe shopping bags….kraft + Christmas decor? Can’t go wrong…..image1

On each individual link/strip, we work as a family to write down two things. We write down a bible verse each day to read together as a family (all part of the Christmas story but told from different books in the bible – see tradition #4 of this blog post). Each day, we also write down a challenge or an activity that we want to participate in to keep focused on loving others and being more mindful during this holiday season. Today, for example, the mission was for WG and WB to play/talk with a new friend at school. They absolutely love taking off the chain link each morning and then processing the outcome on the way home from school or at talk time at night.

Other examples of activities/challenges might include:
Pray as a family
Watch Rudolph and talk about a time we were bullied
Random Acts of Kindness Day (a tradition me and hubby started pre-kids)
Christmas light tour with hot cocoa!
Buy presents for “adopt-a-family” and deliver
Any favorite family tradition (gingerbread house, sledding, etc.)
Make Christmas cookies together

It may already be December 2nd but it’s never too late to create your own mission Christmas countdown! If you have any other fun countdown ideas, please leave me a comment. I would love to hear them…..

Podcasts I love….

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I do a lot of driving. A lot. Back and forth to work, into/home from volleyball, appointments in Bellingham at least once a week, etc. Also, I hate driving. A lot.

Two things that make this driving a little bit better is how much I love Penelope the Prius (my spaceship car) AND that I can stream my favorite Podcasts through the speakers. Listening to these amazing ladies share inspiring stories, interviews, and general life awesomeness really helps make the drive go a bit quicker and aids in some self-care and balance (especially when the bickering little ones aren’t in the back). These weekly shows help me appreciate the here and now of my simple little life and spread some internet greatness to geek out on when I return home in the evening.

  1. Jess Lively hosts The Lively Show. She publishes two shows a week and have yet to be disappointed with content aimed at generally just improving your life satisfaction. Her guests are always awe-inspiring (hello Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray Love????) and I just love her vibe. I so wish I lived in North Carolina to meet her and become lifetime besties.

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2. Many of my scrappy friends know that I have been following my favorite scrapper/blogger, Elise Joy for 10+ years. Her blog content focuses on general homemaking, small business ventures, and Mommy adventures but her podcast generally focuses on small business and blogging. Even though I am not fully engaged in those two arenas, I love her voice and perspective and usually get inspired to be more creative in my daily live after listening to her podcasts. She just had a beautiful new baby girl, so her show is on repeats, but in my opinion, some of these oldies are the best ones!!IMG_3344 3. Lena Dunham’s new “Women of the Hour” podcast is only 5 episodes long but they are long and so worth a listen. She has a variety of hilarious, but uber intelligent ladies on her show to talk about all things women. Her episode on Friendship had me missing and appreciating so many amazing girlfriends I have in my life and her most recent on the relationship between women and their bodies was thought-provoking to say the least. She also has an email newsletter that I haven’t jumped into yet, but am intrigued to start.IMG_3342Podcasts seem to be the next “blog” phenomenon of the social media world so perhaps I will join that party in oh….about 10 years since that seems to be how “on trend” I am in with regards to social media these days. Do you listen to any podcasts? Please share….I’d love to check them out.

Adventures in parenting a teenage girl…..

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teen memeWill Smith was on my favorite Ellen show the other day and started his interview with an exasperated sigh about raising teenagers, saying that it should be treated as an illness/disease you catch because of how hard it is. “Hey man how are you doing?” “Well you know…I have teenagers.” “Wow man….that’s too bad. Feel better soon.”

I laughed a bit in my head because we are really getting the brunt of some teenage action in our house from our not-so-little WonderGIRL. Most parents get a bit of an on-ramp when it comes to teenage behavior, but when we got WG at age 11, we knew we were in for a hard couple of years. Not only did we have to work on attachment, holes in academic learning, and full-blown anxiety around her criminal trial approaching, her hormones were raging and we needed to stay ahead of the curve. We knew she needed some quick interventions to rewire her brain and connections about how to behave in a stable, consistent family with parents that care enough about her to create boundaries and set limits for her.

Now that we have some breathing space from a stretch of particularly hard behavior this Fall (if I claim that it’s better, then it can’t get bad again right???), I decided to share some creative solutions we have tried so far…..with her traumatic history and low, low working memory, constant revisions to our methods are definitely a must.

LYING behaviors – “The Trust Bank”
We wanted WG to understand that lying not only gets her in more trouble, but it hurts a relationship between us and her because then we can’t trust future statements. We also wanted her to learn that by admitting mistakes and telling the truth, even after a lie or 2, she would earn trust back. We used play money from a board game and she earned money from telling truths. Obviously, she got money taken away for lies. She was able to save money for rewards (involving quality time with parents, fun activities/adventures, etc.) in her own handmade wallett. We could gauge how much money to reward/take away based on the severity of the lies. This method also was a visible sign of how much she was lying/telling the truth which helped her and her low memory when problem solving as well.

CONTROLLING behaviors – “You’re in Charge” game
WG is still learning that having loving, caring parents not only creates safety and a loving environment, but their job is to guide their behaviors and create a responsible adult as well. She pushes these boundaries often but not as much as when she began stealing from us at our home and from teachers at school. When resisting a consequence that fit the “crime” as it was, we decided an alternative solution would need to be tried. We told her that she was now in charge. In charge of her own bedtime, morning routines, homework, and even making her own meals. Upon hearing this, she was absolutely thrilled. It took one meal time for her to realize that we really weren’t going to step in and parent her. She created a pretty darn disgusting mix of luke-warm microwave macaroni and cheese and then interestingly enough, went to bed early that night. The next day, there was some begging involved for us to parent her again. We again reassured her how much we loved her AND that we wanted her to feel what it might feel like to truly be in control of herself so we weren’t budging. This day also included an extravagant dress up outfit and tap shoes walking down the 7th grade hallway (outfit choice is often a struggle for her). Later that night, we found WG atop the stairs blocking our bedroom stating “I am not going to bed until you are my parents again.” To which we replied sweetly, “Good night! We love you!” (insert eye rolls, foot stomping, and arms crossed here)

We woke up the next morning to a two-page letter under our bedroom door documenting her lessons learned with the most heartfelt apology we had ever gotten from her. This letter also served as a valuable reminder to her lacking cognitive ability about this exercise. Now, when she pushes boundaries with our parenting, we simply remind her to read the letter and she will then apologize and turn her behavior around.

DESTROYING PROPERTY behaviors – “Guess the price” game
Learning how to properly take care of our belongings is a fundamental lesson that children learn at a young age. When you don’t have belongings to take care of AND the adults don’t help take care of anything around you, these lessons obviously don’t get learned. After a stint of multiple ripped clothes, cut-apart stuffed animals, and lost objects, we asked WG to lay out each item in her room and estimate how much each item cost. This allowed a valuable conversation about how much objects actually DO cost (she undervalued everything by at least $10-50) and how hard we work to give her clothing and objects that will keep her safe/warm and keep her busy at home. Along with this lesson, we are also very careful about talking through our buying decisions by saying no to her requests with the line, “We are choosing not to spend our money on that” versus “We don’t have money for that.” We want her to learn that we are blessed with good jobs and money to spend on our family and that’s wonderful, but we are still responsible on how we spend that money.

IMPULSE CONTROL – “Three Post-It” Questions
If you have a child that has a hard time holding in their curiosities, thoughts, random musings, this strategy may help a long car ride or those dreaded homework sessions. We have tried to find a balance with WG especially, where we can honor and listen to her voice yet make sure she is also able to self-regulate her thoughts. Sometimes, it seems like she doesn’t keep anything inside, mostly because she is constantly seeking adult approval. I love how joyful and observant she is, but I want her to have confidence in her inner dialogue as well, which also has to serve as a self-regulation device. On long car rides or homework sessions, WG gets three post-its that represent three questions or statements that she gets to ask. When the impulse comes, she has to evaluate whether or not the thought is WORTH giving up one of her post-its. This visual seems to really help her and creates a bit more peace and quiet during potentially stressful times. Her teacher even tries this in class and it’s been working wonders in the classroom as well.

As much as this period in WG’s has been hard hard hard, we have seen so much life-change in her throughout the past two years that we are lucky her behaviors are relatively minor up to this point and normal in the life of a typical teenager (“normal” is certainly a celebration in our little family). I could write a long, long post about all the things I truly love and cherish about her that definitely make all this work 110% worth the struggle but I will save that for another time and another post.

The hunt for comfortable flats….

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I’m not sure about you, but sometimes I am surprised and delighted to see a few Facebook ads that are EXACTLY what I’ve been thinking about/dreaming out buying. Tiek flats were popping up on multiple social media sites for me so I caved and clicked on the link. Beautiful shoes….crazy price. Hmmm…..what’s a girl to do? I set out to do some research into the blog world to see if they were too good to be true. Many modern ladies swear by their comfort level and this would be a great birthday present from my happy little family right??? When they first arrived on my doorstep, I was in awe of their packaging and handwritten note – I’m a sucker for good packaging.When I wasn’t in love with the color and the fit of my first pair, I called to see if exchanging them was an option. Their website makes exchanging SOOOOO amazingly easy and I had my second pair by the end of the week. THEN being the high maintenance ballet flat wearer that I am (okay….I’m really not a high maintenance fashion anything, but I felt like it when I still wasn’t 100% satisfied), I decided to exchange again.
IMG_3339Aren’t these amazing??? Ooohhh I love them so much I could squeal (and squeal I did upon opening) and they lasted comfortably the entire first day in the life of a busy school counselor (up and down the hall 39.4 times, out to recess, playing some four square, etc.). Even my first grade Character Building class (and lovely teacher) complimented me on my “beeee-utiful shoes.” Done and done….I was sold and my feets were happy as can be.

Be looking for these pretties on my feet for pretty much the rest of my life – Scott said wearing them daily for at least 3 years was the only way we could justify the price of a pair of silly shoes. Challenge accepted dear sir……challenge accepted.

Those silly voices inside of my head….

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Making me feel guilty for slacking on publishing two posts a week here in this space. Telling me to say yes to everything people ask of me. Wondering if someone else can do _______ or _______ better.

So this week I am choosing what to focus on. This week I devote my time and my energy and the voices inside of my head to my family and to my volleyball team (specifically some hard-working seniors) that deserve a coach devoted to them. So this little blog will be bare and my kiddos at work might get a less than 100% present counselor…..and the world will keep spinning for one more week…..

 

right?

Did you know my most adored movie Inside Out came out on DVD this week? Click here for a much more clever depiction of those silly voices inside of our heads.

inside out

Talk time

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Last week, I was asked to speak to a college class as a member of a parenting panel. While I am no way an expert in this field, it was an honor to sit next to two veteran parents and compare/contrast our stories (the good, the bad , the ugly) along this journey of raising little people. One of the commonalities between all three of us was a nightly ritual of talking and listening intentionally with our children about the ups and downs of their days. This ritual not only honors their voice and gives us perspective into their brains, it is hugely rewarding for us adults to reflect and focus on the positives of our day as well (even when sometimes the best part of the day is that it’s almost over).

I thought I would take a pause to do the same reflection on more than just a day, but this season of our life/family as it is right now.

Favorite parts of my life:
– loving and receiving love from my Wonders
– Scott being my number one fan, as a Mama, as his wife, and as a professional coach/counselor
– my volleyball team finding success on the court and being an enjoyable group to be around day in and day out
– partnership and support from fellow teachers at my school
– Inside Out on DVD
– my color coded filing system
– essential oils providing natural and effective cleaning and healthcare for my family

Least favorite parts of my life:
– lack of power in making decisions for my children
– anxieties around WG’s life and relationship skills
– insecurities about my impact at work
– lack of time for dates with my girlfriends
– paperwork, appointments, court dates, repeat…..

Something I need to admit/apologize for:
– backing out of social gatherings for pajama time/recovery time at home
– unkind words towards my husband/kiddos when in my own pity party
– caring about my daughter’s clothing choices way more than I should
– saying yes to projects/events which takes me away from needed family time
– slacking on a lovely project for my friends that I should have had done last Christmas (sorry bests!)

I am grateful for:
– a circle of foster/adopt support that “get it”
– WonderBOY getting into the sport of volleyball (he watched the entire UW/USC game on TV with me the other night!!!)
– my husband supporting me as a volleyball coach that takes so much of my time/energy/patience away from him
– shows like Quantico, Scandal, Modern Family, and my beloved Eleen to give my brain some needed breaks in my days
– Luna bars on sale at Fred Meyer (I stuff these in hidden spots in my car to tide me over during my car rides all over the county – sometimes they keep me from that quick stop at McDonalds, sometimes they don’t)
– grace and forgiveness

I wish for:
– my children to know they are loved unconditionally and special (my answer every single night)
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on community….

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I am not a Halloween person at all….I’ve never liked dressing up, was never motivated to go the parties (sorry Mal and Travis), and even the candy didn’t excite me all that much. Since our kiddos entered our life, we have been getting into the spirit a little bit more but now I am much more excited about the community building that a holiday like Halloween can bring about. Here a few examples from our Halloween weekend this year that excited me more than the fun-size bags of Skittles or Reeses melting in my mouth.Celebrating Halloween in public schools has all but gone away by now. I decided to still put together a community event that focused on tolerance and anti-bullying. Our 5th graders hosted a “Spookley the Square Pumpkin” storybook trail for all of our younger students where they listened to the story, participated in activities just like the “jack-o-lympics”, and added their own “unique” pumpkins to our big pumpkin patch poster. The youngers loved it AND my 5th graders did an amazing job spreading on messages of kindness and tolerance to future classes. I hope we get to continue this tradition in the coming years.
As my volleyball team heads into their district tournament, we have to make sure we are keeping proper perspective about the serious-ness of this pressure filled time. Each player partnered up to enter our costume contest at practice on Saturday/Halloween. What a fun and easy way for them to get out of their comfort zones (well some were right smack middle of their comfort zone with crazy outfits and all eyes on them….I’ll let you guess which one this is) and create a fun, teambuilding event that they will remember years into the future.One is not meant to do this parenting gig alone, behind closed doors, and questioning every step they take. As we are going on 20 months with our Wonders, I am so grateful for so many people that have supported and partnered with us through our journey. We got to celebrate our 2nd Halloween with our beloved Stori and Tausha (with their two little foster WonderBOYS) and roam around our neighborhood collecting candy. There is something so comforting about being able to parent your children through tantrums and attitudes and social worker visits and to have people in your life that just GET IT. No judgment, no needed compliments, just acknowledgement of the hard and passing on of patience. This trick or treating trip was also a great opportunity for us to meet our neighbors as Scott and I are not very good at socializing and getting out enough to meet everyone.

After the kiddos were  zombified from their sugar intake asleep, we even snuck out to our neighboors’ driveway bonfire to get to know them even more and plan some future get togethers for us and for our children. We laughed and bonded over the weird traditions of Halloween and compared and contrasted our stories of coming to our neighborhood. It was a fun night and weekend had by all and maybe this little silly holiday could be growing on me a bit more each passing year…..

Parenting is….

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Frick fracking exhausting, hard work, rewarding, fulfilling, everything it’s cracked up to be funny. So, so funny. Raising human beings. Expecting them to be functioning humans when they’re not. In my pre-kid, care-free days, I used to gloss over any parenting comics due to “not getting it.” Now I soooooo do and they are the only comics that I commit (and by commit, I mean take the extra 2 seconds to click the link) to when scrolling through FB. Click here to see this hilarious Upworthy article including parenting funnies.

This plus my excitement about a color-coded file system in my life basically means I am killing it at this whole adulting gig (minus the fact that the picture above is me 97.2% of the time when I have minutes/seconds to myself).

“I’ve got an oil for that….”

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Most of you that interact with me on a regular basis have heard me say this to you at least 3.7 times in the past few months since I’ve started using essential oils for ailments, kiddo mood management, cleaning, and general life awesomeness. Since I have heavily pressured gently encouraged some of you to join me in using these oils around your home I thought I would share some of the smaller, but impactful ways I am using some of them on a daily basis.

lavender lemon

I use LAVENDER for a ton of different uses that are commonly publicized – it is great for calming nerves, getting kiddos and adults ready for nighttime, and soothing irritated skin. Here are some other uses that I have happily discovered about this wonderfully scented oil.
1. I have been having a hard time with different mascaras getting very gunky even right after buying, so I did some research and saw a suggestion to add a few drops of lavender to my bottle of mascara and it has been an amazing fix to my above mentioned problem. PLUS – lavender around your eye bones is suggested for dry and irritated eyes which is a common problem during my busy Fall season. I love it when I get TWO fixes for the price of one.
2. WonderBOY has some ongoing little bouts with ear infections. We discovered the trick of 3 drops of lavender on a cotton ball in his ear at bedtime to take away the pain and the gunk and haven’t looked back since (or been to the doctor for another missed day of school, another waiting room visit, and another prescription – WIN!).
3. This may be a bit out of season, but I love adding just 1-2 drops of lavender to a glass of lemonade for a small kick of flavor that makes it taste gourmet!

WILD ORANGE is a favorite of many that use essential oils (bonus – it’s cheap!!!). While I am actually not a big fan of actually eating oranges, I love the citrusy scent so much and there is a number of combination possibilities with this oil.
1. Add some wild orange to a bowl of whip cream as a dip for fresh strawberries.
2. While it usually is advertised as a “pick me up” and refreshing oil, it also can aid in the falling asleep process combined with lavender, cedarwood, or a strong oil like vetiver.
3. Some of the oils can be very strong and averse to yours or those you loves’ sense of smell. I love to layer wild orange over stronger scents that I or others might notice in a negative way. You still get the benefits of what’s underneath but the scent doesn’t stand out to others.
4. Add this essential oil to any diffuser recipe for a fun twist – my favorite fall recipe includes wild orange, clove, and rosemary. Yum!

**If you are interested in learning more about essential oils and the specific brand that I chose (after a LOT of research), I would love to chat more with you about it. Feel free to comment or message me on Facebook and I can point you in the right direction! I had heard about the oils for a while and needed a helpful friend to guide me and answer all of my questions (even at 11pm at night while I’m perusing the internet – thank you Amy!). Now I get to pay that forward…..

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience with the oils and what works for me. None of this should be taken as medical/psychiatric advice. I’m simply sharing a personal opinion about a product that I use and like because it’s significantly helped my family and because I enjoy the creative process of making various products.**