From Spring Break to the boys birthdays to a lot of transitional milestones for WonderGIRL, this was a busy month!!! Here are some my fave photos…..
April favorites
Category Archives: Marriage
On the “suck” of parenting right now
Last night I presented to a group of 60 or so parents and educators on supporting small children through the highs and lows of our world right now….they had great questions and affirmed that yes, parenting right now is extra crazy, extra hard, and extra exhausting.
I believe in my core that most, if not all parents humans are struggling right now to stay afloat in this pace and demands of life (pace pre-Covid, demands during Covid/racial reckoning/politics, etc.). So here is a little learning that I have discovered for my two kiddos with trauma that might help any of you work towards normalcy and calm during this pandemic.
Unpredictability, especially in brains with trauma, is the fastest trigger for a fear response, thus alerting our fight or flight to jump into action! Routines and rituals can help calm this limbic system part of our brain that is constantly scanning for threats or safety (ahem, the coughing next aisle over in the grocery store that you never paid attention to before)….with outside practices, social engagements, sometimes school and activities shut down – how can we set up routines and rituals within our home that ground ourselves and our children into a flow state?
Here are a few ideas that we have tried…
If you have kiddos that already have BIG feelings and reactions, I’m sure throwing this pandemic into the mix hasn’t been the easiest transition. I did a post about this here if you’d like to read more tried and true strategies from my work as a school counselor.
While I think about this work, I am reminded that this time at home has been a time for me and my hubby to commit to intentional healing with our kiddos….we have the time to set new routines in motion, fix old negative habits, restore past hurts and for that, I am grateful.
The routines and rituals aspect has helped my energy level and patience through this hard time as it also gives me something to look forward to with my family….and the repeating each week just feels stable, calm, and safe in a way that I can’t describe.
What routines and rituals have you implemented since quarantine?? I’d love to hear more ideas!!!
Hindsight is 2020
- The day that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were announced the winners of the 2020 election – although so many things happened in my family this year that kinda defined the year, the hope and relief that moment held was hugely impactful for me.
- Relying on exercise, movement, and meditation to keep me mentally and emotionally strong for my family.
3. Drinking a glass of wine/beer each night – figured out this severely impacted my sleep and my mood the next day.
4. My creative problem solving and reliance on my knowledge of trauma even when faced with “authorities” who claim to know more/differently.
5. Public speaking (writing?) about trauma, education, healing, etc.
6. That systems are broken, are subjective, and human error (even with the best of intentions) in a matter of seconds can change history….especially in the case of CPS, police investigations, racism, discipline in schools, equity in education. I already knew this on a theoretical level, but our involvement with these systems this year really brought me new perspective and lowered my overall trust in many things.
7. Our attachment therapist – hands down. Literally an angel placed in our lives 4 years ago (okay not placed, I actually stalked her in order to get her in my family’s life) and I don’t know how I would have gotten through this year without her. And my former stepmother, who stepped up to take WonderGIRL for 3 months during the hardest season of this year. I do not know what we would have done without her stepping up (and whether or not WG would still be here if she didn’t).
8. I am thankful for these silver linings (this could probably be its own post):
– trauma-informed classrooms and increased focus on social emotional health in schools
– zoom learning for WG and WB (with their attention and focus issues, this has actually benefited their learning big time)
– attachment and trust that has come after WonderGIRL’s spinal fusion surgery in September
– Scott’s openness to different modes of healing/therapy
– more people open to natural solutions for mental and physical health
– date nights outside under cozy tents
– learning that I am more of a homebody than I thought and the slower pace of life without over scheduling is key to our collective wellness
– soft clothes, pajamas, jumpers please and thank you
– so much board game time with our kiddos this year (Dutch Blitz, Phase 10, and Sequence)
– extra time for camping and road trips
– no Fall volleyball season means I got to celebrate my birthday in Vegas with my girlies!
9. Dear self (full of optimism and vision and hope),
Hold on for dear life. You know what you’re doing. They need you. You will get to the other side. It’s okay not to be okay.
Love,
Me (full of more accurate vision of reality and still a little hope left)
10. Wildest dreams for 2021: More time for this……
Just kidding (kind of). Still marinating on what next year could look like….stay tuned!
Team HB 2019 annual review
This morning, our little crew took a trip to our local coffee shop to reflect together on our year and make big plans for 2020! We called it our annual review business meeting and even snagged the important meeting room to make it official.
For Scott and I, we reflected on this blog post to determine how far we made it on our goals. Turns out, we still have a lot of items still to check off and make more of so we’ll be continuing these efforts into 2020 (and maybe beyond that depending on the goal):
(From blog post)
“Some missing pieces that we’d like to change next year:
– being more intentional with how we’re showing love to our children (love languages, quality time, etc.)
– accept where they’re at
– commit to a trip together without kiddos
– attend a personal development conference together
– more transparency about mental health struggles in hopes that stigma goes down in families around us
– host more things at our house….we love our space and want more people in it with us!!!”
I also downloaded an awesome packet for both wonders from Big Life Journal and had them work on it together. The prompts and questions were easy for them to navigate while still digging deeper than a surface level conversation starter like “how was your year”? Plus it’s 25% off through Thursday the 2nd if you’re interested in doing this activity with your kiddos also!! Once they are finished, I will share some of their thoughts and writing to check back on later this year.
My one little word this year was VALUE – although it didn’t resonate with me big time, when I took the time to reflect on the word and compare my daily actions or behaviors it really helped me stick to boundaries and priorities in my life. Read more about my 2019 word HERE. I can confidently say that my values of connection and growth were lived out on the daily in my life both personally and professionally this year – even when that connection or growth felt HARD and HEAVY.
We decided as a team this morning to keep checking in on these goals by having a “business meeting” each month to bring up our goals and reflect on our growth towards them. This is where having older kiddos has been so great for me – teaching goal-setting, growth mindset, and self-care to two kiddos who will NEED those things big time in their adult lives (plus how it helps the hubby and I right along with them).
On our last 90 days
Sparked by the idea that we should end our years as intentionally and ready for health and wellness as much as we are after January 1st, Rachel Hollis set up this program….I participated last year and this year, Scott joined me.
What does it entail? The daily 5 to thrive:
– wake up early to spend time on yourself
– daily gratitude practice
– half your body weight (ounces) in water
– move your body for 30 minutes
– remove one category of food out of your diet
Since October and November (and then the holidays of course) can be stressful for our family, we thought it would be good to be intentional about this together. We did pretty well in October – I cut out fast food, which for my busy schedule, was VERY hard to do. I was proud of myself for refusing the urge, even when others around me were enjoying their greasy goodness. I started to find my rhythm with water as well and it truly is amazing the impact that hydration has on our body and energy levels!
Scott has been practicing writing down 5 things he is grateful for each day, along with nightly meditations (calm.com to the rescue!) – watching his personal growth makes me so proud and energized to stay accountable to our commitments.
Next up for November – I really want to work on getting more exercise and movement into my daily routine. Both Scott and I are removing alcohol from our diets for the month….which might be hard later this month when our sweet WonderGIRL has a very serious back surgery but we’ll get a chance to practice our other (and healthier) coping strategies for that!!!
Any of you participating in this program?? Would love to hear your progress!!!
On the Enneagram
Many of you know that I love a good personality quiz….I love people’s stories and I love being curious about the “why” behind people’s actions (including my own).
I was introduced to the Enneagram through a workshop I attended a few years back and have been intrigued ever since. The more I learn about this tool, my “number” and the types of those around me, the more I can understand others’ motivations and react in ways that will support them versus trigger them (very important obstacle course to navigate in my home).
The Enneagram comes from the Greek words for nine (ennea) and drawing (gram). Each point represents a basic personality type and a specific pattern of thinking and way of being.
Figuring out my type, Scott’s type and then starting to discover both WonderGIRL and WonderBOY’s types have led to some really thoughtful and intentional discussions about our behavior and how we treat other people, especially in times of stress. We love reading specific instagram posts that help us learn about types and commenting occasionally to the other “That’s so very type 1 of you.” Here is our constellation of types in Team Hoelzle-Brown:
Scott 
WonderGIRL 
Me! (no one is shocked by this one) 
WonderBOY 
How did we find out our type(s)? There are a lot of different quizzes you can take….or some people read about each type and try to figure out which resonates the most for them. Here is the quiz that I most often give to people to take which also gives short descriptions of each type:
Fast Enneagram Test
This might be a powerful tool for you in any team you work with as well. I know the types of each of my volleyball players and we often discuss how to interact differently with each type on and off the court to lead to a more positive climate. There are a lot of great Instagram profiles to follow that can highlight all sorts of interesting conversations about your type – just search “enneagram” into the user search and voila! research away!!! Some you will find more accurate (sometimes scary accurate) than others, but still good “food for thought” anyway.
I would love to know your type!!! Take the test and post in my comments….also feel free to message me with any questions (I am no expert but can point you in some helpful directions) or for suggestions on Instagram accounts to follow!! Happy “gramming” everyone!
Summer roses…
When I’m working with students and we’re sharing in a group, I sometimes ask them to share both a rose and a thorn from their life. Making it acceptable to share both highs and lows from our personal worlds and connecting us with others in community.
Since its been a while, here are a few roses from our summer…
Beautiful couple, the most beautiful venue, and our new complete fam!!
Trailer life is the best life. 
Trying out KOA camping – we like!!!
WG and her best friend were inseparable this summer!!! 
Fair day!
Next post up will be sharing a few thorns we endured this summer!! I do really miss writing and sharing our family’s highs and lows here….I am in a weird stage of grief right now which is having me stuck and not writing but hopefully I’ll break out of that soon. Happy start of Fall everyone – my favorite season of the WHOLE year!!!
A look back….a look forward
Some of our best decisions as a couple and parents this year:
– make date nights a priority (and start trusting kiddos to be home by themselves more)
– weekly schedule planning sessions
– go after career goals and support each other through promotions and moving on
– invest in quality therapy for kiddos and not just what was right in front of us at the time
– talking about our values as a couple and analyzing if we’re sticking to those or not
– scheduling in self-care (massages/facials monthly for me, chiro/hunting meet ups for him)
– quiet times/morning times to highlight what I’m grateful for and get set for the day
Some missing pieces that we’d like to change next year:
– being more intentional with how we’re showing love to our children (love languages, quality time, etc.)
– accept where they’re at
– commit to a trip together without kiddos
– attend a personal development conference together
– more transparency about mental health struggles in hopes that stigma goes down in families around us
– host more things at our house….we love our space and want more people in it with us!!!
Excited to see what 2019 has in store for this crew of mine and all of our collective hearts and minds!
On all the feels…
Every year we do our Christmas morning letter tradition and my mama heart loves it so much. It particularly means more when we have a hard year or add a new member to our tribe and watch them experience it for the first time….here are a few highlights I want to remember from our 2018 letters. 
Thanks and giving 2018
For the past 60 days or so I’ve been starting each morning by writing 10 things I’m grateful for and it has really shifted my lens and perspective throughout my busy days. A few things that popped up more than a few times in those lists:
My team – and not all the wins but their personalities and time together was a blessing every day. Especially during our last week after practices, I had to tell them to go home and stop trying to hang out in the gym longer…..
Love these little cuties and their constant following me around the house hoping to get fed. Rex and Sav have become best buds…..
My family and the love and support they give to me (especially during volleyball season – at least now as a coach they are watching me get way more wins than my time as an athlete).
Oils…..duh!!! But really, having these in our lives to address both emotional and physical struggles for all members of our family is a DAILY blessing that sometimes I take for granted. And then when I get all excited about them again, I can’t shut up about them and make all my friends and family join me…..you’re welcome (and sorry all at the same time).
The success of the Cougars this Fall has been exciting to watch and experience (both football and volleyball in case you weren’t aware)…..AND for the record, a lot of people have said to me this season “It’s a good time to be a Coug fan” to which I reply….”It’s always a good time to be a Coug fan.” I love that others are noticing the love of WSU, but one thing I know for sure is that our “fan-ship” includes the same amount of love no matter if we’re 8-1 or 1-8 and I love that it’s been showcased nationally this season.
This man….the rock and single father during volleyball season of our family. I love that we both support each others’ passions and have been super intentional this season about sticking together and getting through a relatively hard season with our kiddos.
I am always grateful for my three Wonders but am particularly grateful for all of their hard work in counseling and personal development. Especially my teenagers in a constant quest for more freedom and privileges, they are working hard to earn trust in becoming young adults.
Naps…always thankful for naps. I’ve already taken 3 this week and it’s not even the weekend yet.