On my favorite ornaments….

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For the past three years, I’ve added a photo ornament to my Christmas cards order from Tiny Prints and I love giving them away to grandparents and adding them to our ornament collections. This one was from the “just married” collection but I think it pertains to our first Christmas as a forever family as well.WonderBOY coming home from school with these adorable handmade ornaments are dang precious….this year, he chose to gift his to special Uncle Jake which makes my heart a teeny sad, but happy that he is spreading the handmade love around.This was our version of a  “baby’s first christmas” ornament by gluing sweet pictures of the kiddos to snowflakes and writing on the back. It will be fun to look back on these in years to come and remember their sweet faces the first couple of months they lived with us.

Another Tiny Prints ornament from our first crazy and lovey year together in 2014.

This was a very PIN-spired ornament I made the first year we lived in our home. I love the imprint of our key (although it’s ironic because I don’t think I’ve used that key even one time since I’ve lived here). Our address is hiding under that green star. 

Once my first niece was born, I thought it would be cute to document her adorable little hand as a Christmas ornament. Now that my brother has three adorable little ladies, these are some of my favorite ornaments to unpack.And last but not least, one of my childhood bests, Taryn, made this for me in high school and I love love love it. So creative even before Pinterest Tare!!!

Tonight is our annual sleepover and movie marathon sleeping around the Christmas tree where I can’t wait to admire all of this cuteness!

WonderBOY takes over the blog…..holiday edition

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WonderBOY’s (8) thoughts on….
Holiday traditions – They are fun and sometimes they are things that we have never done before. Tonight we ate red and green food for dinner. I thought the green eggs would be gross but they were still good to eat. My favorite tradition is delivering stuff to people and giving presents to people that don’t have anything to live.

Sis’ broken leg – Actually, in more than 6 months the cast will be gone. I hope she doesn’t break her other leg 2 days after that cast comes off. She might break it my probably not being careful or running and twisting it. Or by a trampoline. (Mom: So does that mean we can’t go back to trampoline zone?) NO! It just means she needs to be more careful next time.

Snow day – We don’t have any hills in our backyard so I wish we could have sled. Both Mom and Sis had broken something (toe and leg) but they had fun with us because Mom just needed to be careful and stand sill and Sis crawled everywhere. It was fun and kind of not fun not going to school because I miss my friends and hanging out with my friends and playing 2-square. The thing that I liked was hanging out with my family and playing in the snow.

Christmas wishes – I wish for a jaguar race car, my civil war guys and that homeless people have a great Christmas.

Wonders take over the blog….holiday edition

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WonderGIRL (age 14) on……
Holiday traditions – I think that some are like really good because you get to learn more about your family and I like spending time with my family. My favorite traditions are going to church on Christmas Eve, look at lights with music on, and a scavenger hunt for our gift. We always do the Christmas Countdown and then we do things for other people and look out for others like praying, and learning the Christmas story from the bible.

My broken leg – It’s really annoying. I wish I could run around and that I could walk normally. When it’s wet, I fall which is embarrassing. However, I do like that I don’t have to do PE or run so that’s kind of nice. I also get out of some chores so I like that.

Romantic relationships – Well….I think it’s a good thing because you get to learn how to love even though it’s hard when you break up. If you do it at a young age, then you can make smart choices when you’re older like my Mom who chose the perfect man to marry. I think you should go slow and not rush anything. Not very many people at my school do anything….they just tell people they are dating and then don’t do anything because they don’t want their parents to know. I only know one couple who holds hands. Scott doesn’t like the idea of me going out with anyone because he thinks that guys are not very kind and he also thinks that it would be unsafe. He says I can’t date until I’m 32. My mom says if I’m mature and can handle rules at home and with my phone, then maybe when I am a sophomore and 16, I can possibly date but it depends on my behavior. She always says that my choices will affect her choices. Rules = maturity.

Christmas wishes – I want $25 for my middle school yearbook. I also want the Magic Light speaker and really really want this Wowie Chip Dog, but my Mom says that they are not choosing to spend their money on that because I tend to lose and break expensive things. My wish for others is that my family adopts another child so we can help others have a Christmas where they are safe.

Tomorrow…..WonderBOY gets a turn at being witty and clever on the blog.

On the broken leg

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….and how God used this little tibia to give me some needed reminders about my role in WonderGIRL’s world. For those of you that know our family….you know we LLLLOOOOVVVEEEE going to the Trampoline Zone. So on one fateful trip, WonderGIRL was showing off her front flip moves and cracked a bone (insert entire ER admitting staff rolling their eyes here). And although she showed us yet again how absolutely tough she is through it all….a few lessons stuck out to me that I thought I would document and share.
WG and I had been battling pretty good the last couple of months. As a typical teenager, she was pushing boundaries with us her parents and testing out her independence in some areas. As a non-typical teenager whose brain and impulse control is greatly impacted by her trauma, she was questioning the adoption and pushing us away in fear that all of this permanency stuff was really just a dream. Her nightmares of us leaving/dying/divorcing were happening nightly and her behavior aimed at creating distance between us and her.

But of course….I’m only processing all of that brilliantly and with compassion in true perfect HINDSIGHT because while I was in it…..you better believe there were more swear words than empathy in my brain regarding the lying, manipulation and defiance that triggered me day in and day out.And not that God knew that one month into being “legal parents” we would need a reminder that we are never fully in control of keeping our kiddos safe from every harm. But I am questioning whether or not HE intentionally set up a scenario where our beloved WonderGIRL grace would break her leg in order to teach me a few things…..

Some truly magic events happened immediately after the break, I bathed my child. I helped her walk. I did her hair. I picked out her clothes. Things I never got to do with her because we got her at age 11….when she could already do those things herself and where some of those things were not appropriate due to her abuse. I got to mother my child in ways and from stages that I never got to experience in real time. And during those times, her eyes lit up, she was giddy, and I fell more in love with her than I already was. It was true attachment in a way that I’m sure my education and training had told me to do in other ways before this point but I chose to ignore (insert my hubby being right about this very thing and rolling his eyes when he reads this here).

This NEED for me and my care reminded me of her NEED for this attachment, even when her biological age doesn’t call for it and even when my education and training tell me what is appropriate/inappropriate for her. This mom-tuition is real and I love that God gifted me with it to care with such amazing and vulnerable little beings.

Add this to your wish list

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I passed up the amazing Amazon primeday deal and then regretted it when I saw all my blogging friends and insta-friends raving about all of the things they were creating in very little time (my dream cooking situation), so when Black Friday came around and the Instant Pot was on sale again, I couldn’t pass it up. And although it’s back up to it’s normal price now, I would say it is so worth the money (but will probably go back down in price at some point before Christmas). Sorry to all of my work friends when I come in waving my homemade soup or other Instant Pot concoction excitedly at lunchtime……it’s not often anything from the kitchen makes me excited so this is a rare phase in my life I’m sure.

Hard-boiled eggs in 7 minutes??? Spaghetti squash in 20??? Scott and I are already loving the possibilities to still get a good dinner on the table after arriving home close to 5 with our kiddos after school. If you have any yummy Instant Pot recipes you’d like to share, please do in the comments!!!

And our November in video….(only one month left until we get an entire year’s worth of second snippets all together in one video – so excited!!!):

Happy December!!!! We started our favorite DIY advent calendar today and the kiddos are so excited for the activities/missions listed inside! It is such a blessing to repeat traditions with our little wonders and to know that we get to continue them for so many more years…..JOY.

When I gave up as a parent…..

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….and decided to be a learner instead. 

Many people encouraged us that our kiddos’ behavior would settle down around the adoption/after the adoption from the comfort that will come from having a forever home. Throughout the past couple of weeks, WonderBOY’s behavior has done just that. He is using his words, calming down on his own, and showing increasing levels of affection towards us as his caregivers. With many comparisons between the two, we got WB much younger in his trauma and his brain was so much more READY to receive love and re-wiring and we are so proud of the work that he has done with regards to his own regulation of his body and emotions. He has responded amazingly well to Trust-Based Relational Intervention approaches introduced to us by some of our foster/adoptive parents tribe.

WonderGIRL on the other hand came to us with such severe trauma and brain disregulation – we have truly been on a rollercoaster ride on how to parent her and how to retrain her brain with regards to behavior choices, learning cause and effect, and being at the mercy of her severe deficits in working memory. Her lying behaviors in particular seem to trigger my own insecurities around parenting – thus making a negative environment both for her and I during these daily hourly battles.

After a few bouts of grounding as an experimental consequence, Scott and I realized that we were essentially grounding ourselves during this time with NO behavior change from her. We even pulled her in to tell her that while we were not giving up on HER, we were giving up on trying to punish her for her behavior. We would try a new approach….

As many current parents do in times of struggle – I went straight to Amazon to see if I could find some resources that were direct and to the point about a new approach we could try. After devouring the first book in 2 days, I HIGHLY recommend these titles to any parents of kids with trauma struggling with symptoms most often referred to from a Reactive Attachment Disorder lens. Forbes and Post take traditional approaches and views and contrast them with their own suggestions that come from treating all behaviors as fear-based behaviors in a very real and easy-to-implement way that I love and want to pass along to anyone that may benefit.

I love this quote that if nothing else, gave me permission to prioritize love over expectations and relationship over right vs. wrong….something I felt in my heart but was having a much harder time implementing in real-time:
“Love-based parenting elevates the importance of the relationship to the highest position. No homework assignment, no chore, and no social etiquette is ever more important than than the parent-child relationship. Maintaining connectedness and attunement, thereby sustaining the balance of love of self and love of child, is the primal outcome of every interaction the parent has with the child. When this is achieved, the other less significant items will take care of themselves.”

My next step includes reading the same author’s take on how we can help and support these children within the school setting….what a great win-win for me when I can apply similar philosophies at both home and work!

On our adoption day

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I know it’s been a whole week and a bit since our adoption and I’ve been planning to do a re-cap on this blog, but it seems so HUUUUGGEEEE and lovely as an event, that it’s hard to put my feelings into words…..thus I just let the feelings sit in my heart and “marinate” as I like to say. So I will just add a few pictures from the day with a few words and go from there…..perhaps my processing will grow in the future and I can look back and journal more thoughts.

Opening the box from our wedding that included our vows, notes from our parents, and a special bottle of wine was a fun way to start off the night before the adoption. The kiddos were involved and were so excited that we had prayed and thought about adding them to our lives before we had even met them. The night before was hard hard hard…..the kiddos were extremely overwhelmed with such a huge event looming and WonderBOY sobbed with big man tears in my arms for about 20 minutes before being soothed to bed with a promise that he would feel better once it all got taken care of. A combination of leaving their past behind them and mistrust that it’s all too good to be true are common feelings when kiddos get adopted out of the foster system.

A special day should always include two things: new fresh outfits and oversized balloons. This mantra has influenced most celebrations I am involved with….including my wedding where balloons were one of the major costs of the whole day. Here we are trying to get everything in line for a picture (and away from those hot lights in the court hallway).

Judge U. is the same judge that we had for the criminal trial against the Wonders’ biological father so both him and this courtroom had many mixed feelings for all of us that were involved in that trying process. But on THIS DAY, he graced us with this gift of a forever family and he delivered that gift with kindness, gentleness and joy (breaking out the Thor gavel just for WB) and for that, we are so grateful.

Check out this tribe of amazing people below that have been such a big part of the creation and continued support of our family. All grandparents got to be present (including the Wonders’ biological grandmother and grandfather) and our team from the legal side of this process (social workers, lawyers, and guardians).

This lady right here was the kiddos’ first social worker and the one that really had to make the HARDEST decisions for them and for their family. The only tears from the day came when I got to hug her and thank her for everything she had to do and endure to keep these children in our care. She is not even a current social worker with DCFS and made a special trip and day off from her job to come celebrate with our family. We love her so much!!!

Even though the rain was falling throughout the whole morning, right after our court appointment was finished and pictures were taken….the amazing Fall sunshine came out! I love this shot of the trees behind us during this season that is all about change and transition….trees shedding their past leaves and getting ready to begin new growth and prepare for a brand new season of life….just like Team Brave Dinosaurs!

After our picture session was up to my liking (thank you Stori and Elke for your patience and understanding of my extremely rigid expectations), we enjoyed a yummy lunch at Scotty Browns and then some Menchies right after (shocking I’m sure)!!! What a lovely time talking through the morning and answering very sweet questions from the kiddos. Hearing WB call Scott “Daddy” over and over melted my heart time and time again. Since their biological father was a main source of stress and fear for both kiddos, they have always been at different levels of comfort with using this label for him. Hearing these words out of both of their mouths is a tangible sign that their hearts are healing.

Thank you again for all of your amazing kind words, cards, and special celebrations for our little family. We are so blessed to have you in our lives and I know that one of the special parts of joining our family for WB and WG is all of the extra people that have graced them with love, patience and true acceptance along the way.

On the proposal

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Children in the foster system have a million and one decisions made FOR them and TO them. One common character trait of MOST foster children include a need to control their environment….which of course comes from their complete lack of control in their past and their previous families. Knowing this, we wanted to make sure that our older wonders knew that our pending adoption was as much under their control as it was the state’s and ours.

Therefore, we decided to propose to them similar to a marriage proposal. We wanted them to know we respected them enough to truly give them the choice. But even more, we wanted them to know without doubt that we CHOSE them to be our forever son and daughter and that we are HONORED they would even want to be part of our beautiful mess of a family in the first place. The video is too long to post so here is a link to it on youtube: TBD Adoption Proposal. Enjoy!

Although this video is very sentimental and beautiful, it includes so much of the reality of our family….braces malfunctions, nervous outbursts of behavior and avoidance, and most of all, the love and laughter we get to all share together on a daily basis.

Many people have asked if the video meant that our adoption was final….and no, we haven’t had our official court proceeding yet but we already have a judge assigned to us and are awaiting some available times so it’s coming soon soon soon!

Thank you to all who have left messages and comments of love and support to our little family – it means a lot to all of us and I’m glad our video brought a little joy to your lives during a weekend and events in Burlington that left us all saddened and grieving.

Praise for the system

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First of all, I apologize that my blog posts have been scarce this past month. With volleyball, school, and Scott’s hunting season upon us, life has been so very full and priorities have to be set appropriately!

One exciting adventure of the past two weeks has been the movement towards finalization of adopting our two favorite little Wonders! We signed our official petition to the court (even WonderGIRL got to sign her official signature on the paperwork) and today, we filled out our final paperwork to go forward with a court date. While we are excited, our kiddos are conflicted and that struggle is hard on all of us. So today, I thought I would point out a few things about the state’s support during this transition that I am impressed with and want to publicize, since many of my points about the system on my blog haven’t been the most positive.

When many families decide to adopt a child, adopting out of the foster system is not often the most enticing situation. The gamble of what special needs and trauma-induced behaviors the child can have, the older ages, and the unknown and complicated dynamics of visits and a continued relationship with the biological family are all huge factors that push many away. Not to mention the big “dealbreaker”…..that many feel they cannot take the heartache of the children being returned back to their family or moved to a different home (to which I reply…..but isn’t the heartache of a child that needs a loving home while in transition so much more important).

But after all of that, the state tries to do what it can to make sure that adoptive families and foster children are fully supported after their legal adoption. especially when the children have special needs (which most foster children would be considered with their trauma background). We continue to get coverage for our Wonders’ supervision costs, damage to property costs, and other out-of-pocket expenses that they might accrue. And although we definitely didn’t start this journey or continued it with any costs/financial support in mind as a dealbreaker, it definitely feels comforting knowing their needs will always be met and supplemented by the state that has tried hard to protect them.

Next step?? Courtroom parties, real parties, and two new last names – we can’t wait!