Last July, we went along on a work trip with Scott to Atlanta – WonderBOY and I got to explore and swim during the days while he was at his conference. In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day today, I thought I would share some pictures and experiences from the very birthplace of such an important leader in our history.
My most memorable moment(s) of the 3-day trip was taking WB to the National Center for Civil and Human Rights – many recommended it to me but also noted “but it’s probably pretty boring for a teenager.”
But WB was SOOOOO engaged the entire time. He took over 100 photos on his camera, asked a million questions, read almost every display and talked about the experience with Dad forever at dinner that night.
Reading about children who died during this time – this boy was only 13, the same age as WonderBOY.
Some quotes and questions I don’t want to forget him saying and asking: “I know if I look more native (he’s a registered member of Choctaw nation but presents as very Caucasian), I might get treated differently and that’s not okay.” “I don’t understand why we don’t learn more of THIS information in school.” “Are there any jobs after high school I can do to keep this work going?”
Other impactful displays at the Center.
We also participated in a simulation of a diner “sit-in” protest with the Freedom Riders – with headphones on and sitting at the diner counter, we had sounds of horrific abuse in our ears as our chair and counter rumbled beneath us. It was only 40 seconds of the experience (and I did not know what we were getting into when stepping in line) and because of WonderBOY’s history, I was worried about trauma triggers during the whole thing…..but he was so moved by it, rightfully angered by it, and had so many questions – I knew it was worth it.
Just this week, he watched a movie in class about Dr. MLK Jr. and the Freedom Riders and I know he was 100% more engaged and curious, because he had this experience in his realm of knowledge in a variety of forms (music, physical touch, vision, physical, etc.).
WB loved this image so much, we bought a canvas for his room to always remember this visit.
So, long story short….if you’re ever in Atlanta, GA, I would HIGHLY recommend this tour. Even if you have children, even if they are “hard to please” teens and even if other tours or tourist attractions seem more flashy. It will be time WELL SPENT.
Chip and Dan Heath, in their new book The Power of Moments, describes a “defining moment” as a short experience that is both memorable and meaningful.
Using this definition, I wanted to document some of those moments I’ve experienced in my 40 years of life on this planet. Some were special and joyous, some a powerful lesson was learned (and even more exciting, remembered years later), and others are just words that stuck with me over the course of time.
I am going to tag these moments as 40 moments in the sidebar if you’d like to see them all in one place. —->
Imagine this human…..sitting at a table at Skyline Elementary with her 5th grade teacher, Mr. Larsen and parents at their student-teacher conference. Thinking I was pretty smart, getting good grades on most things and the worse thing my teacher would tell my parents is “your child talks too much” (a very common report card comment for me)…..
Instead Mr. Larsen gets real serious, leans in and tells my parents I’m not reaching my potential. (insert very nervous 5th grade girl who thought she was all that and ready for another glowing review conference here) That he sees me “lessening” my abilities to “fit in with the crowd.” He tells me “Don’t ever be less than you are to impress the boys, your friends, or people you want to be your friends.” These definitely weren’t trendy things in the 1990’s but currently this moment would be described as: mic drop. Mind blown emoji. Dead skull.
And although I probably rolled my eyes at the time – this lesson has stuck with me for the ENTIRETY of my life.
I am so thankful that Mr. Larsen took the time to grow me into something more, even when I was one of the “smart ones” in his class. That he was brave enough to say something hard in front of parents, not knowing how they’d react. That he cared about each student individually enough to share their strengths AND an area to grow.
So here I am, almost 40, and have actively practiced the art of “not lessening.” I work really hard to not compare my work to other school counselors or coaches. To other foster/adopt parents. To other women my age on social media. And I attribute this trait (and my resulting fairly okay on most days mental health) to Mr. Larsen, 5th grade teacher, meeting with a smart girl and her parents and sharing a hard thing.
Also, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t add: Teachers matter. Educators change lives. Support your local school district (vote yes on our Ferndale levy pretty please). Thank a teacher. Bring them coffee. The end.
This word directly relates to where I perceived myself to be at on January 28th of 2020 where I made an Instagram story with the following sentiments. “I’m a big goal setter but sometimes I push them back and procrastinate. This month and this year is different (said with a cringe amount of confidence). I’m leaning in and putting those steps out into the universe. I can see now that there are people and things being placed in my path that are meshing and aligning so well for what I’m trying to do. I can’t attribute that to anything else but my purpose coming to light. It’s driving me in a new way and I’m so thankful for that.”
Literally the. next. day, an event happened in my family that would rupture it’s very foundation of safety and my heart. The next month, my position in my district was taken away due to a failed levy. And the month after that, our schools were shut down to Covid-19 along with the rest of the world. So needless to say, my hopes, dreams and positive disposition about “everything happening for a reason and falling into place” was really shot to hell and my heart and mental health was in shambles. My theme song for that year would have been a combination of Alanis’ Morrisette’s “Ironic” and “Shot Through the Heart” by Bon Jovi.
So this year, my word that resonated the most with me is……
What I am hoping to reclaim: – my marriage – a new role as Mom to adults with trauma – the belief in myself as a leader in education – my pursuit of impactful experiences outside of school counseling role (public speaking, writing, podcast, etc.) – prioritizing vacation and travel for our family and myself – saying no to people or experiences that drag me down
Even “reclaimed” my hair which had gotten out of control long since the last time I cut it in March of 2020.
Here is what a fancy Facebook quiz told me about my 2022 and I rather like the final result:
Why does stubborn and independent have to be combined together two times?!?!? Sheesh I get it…..
A few other members of Team HB picked words as well – Scott – GROWTH WonderGIRL – RESTORE WonderBOY – “your mom” (typical answer these days – oh joy)
If you’re interested in checking out my previous’ years words on the blog, just click the “one little word” tag below the post and they should all pop up. 2010- me (the year I went to Haiti and met Scott) 2011- you 2012- us (got married) 2013- rooted 2014- connect (Team Brave Dinosaurs formed February 2014) 2015- (survive), didn’t pick a word out of sheer chaos that was our journey this year including criminal trial and extremely hard trauma behaviors 2016- together (adoption!) 2017- allow 2018- spark 2019- value 2020- vision 2021- heal
Two years ago, we started this tradition of sitting down together as a family to review our year and have a casual conversation about what the next year had in store for us. This year, we reconvened our meeting and much to my surprise, there was minimal resistance from the Wonders and my husband.
Listing 22 things we wanted to accomplish year. It was fun to compare mine with Scott’s to see the overlap.
Per usual, the kiddos worked on some worksheets from Big Life Journal (I also like to use these at work with students and still on sale) to capture some of their thoughts.
Although this practice seems a little corny and REALLY feeds into the January “new year new me” hype that I’m not a big fan of, our family has been through some weird transitions this past year so this type of coming together and circling back up together was quite comforting to my Mama heart. Plus, it’s really fun to look back on past years’ work and see how much everyone has grown and changed.
And just because I like to be real and honest here, we also reviewed our family goals from last year and really sucked at all of them except for 8 family hikes….so we live, we learn – and maybe we needed more than just one year to get some of those things checked off our family bucket list.
I am a self-proclaimed lover of stories (evidence in my About Me page: Lover of stories – written, photographed, shared, observed, etc.) and I was super excited about keeping a secret all year long working on a project capturing my beloved Grandma’s stories in one little spot. She turned 90 last December and to capture her 90th trip around the sun, we embarked on a week by week journal prompt from the company Storyworth that happened to be blowing up my social media ads around this time last year.
Because of different time commitments, we made it through 26 stories. The most beautiful gift was the time I got to spend with her each week on the phone, catching up on life and hearing about her childhood/past (many stories I had heard before but I still loved hearing them again). I also loved digging through her old pictures and memorabilia to find snippets to add to the book.
The trickiest part? Keeping it a secret!!! Both she and I didn’t tell our families what we were working on which meant sometimes she (or I) had to hear some doubled up tales of life from my mom or other family members. My mom was brought to tears as she opened up the gift and realized what was inside. I know she will treasure this book and the light-hearted tales inside for years to come….
My Grandma, Mom and I reviewing the finished product, sassy photos and all!
I highly recommend this gift for someone in your life or even for YOU if you want to capture your own voice and experiences for future generations – the emailed prompts and questions made it super easy to input text and photos and then did all of the formatting directly on the website. Click here for a little discount code if you’re interested.
I love giving gifts that mean something to the receiver and honoring something from that particular point in time. I don’t always knock it out of the park and sometimes I just run out of time, but I was excited about a few things this particular Christmas.
Honoring a lost loved one: The Wonders’ biological mother passed away a few years ago which resulted in some complicated grief for both of them in their own ways. I wanted to honor her memory in a way that both of them could access when desired and for years to come. We had saved letters that she had written to the kiddos when they were in foster care and she was working on getting them back. Although the entirety of the letter is not her handwriting, I knew the signature was and had that made into special bracelets for them.
The box included the bracelet, the original letter, and a laminated picture of her signature to keep all in one special spot.
Honoring a hard year(s): Each year, our family members write letters to each other and those are the first things we open Christmas morning. I combined my love of photos with my new favorite song/anthem of the year (from my favorite new podcast of the year). Each time I heard this song, I would imagine what it would be like for each of my family members to TRULY believe the words and live their truth and best, healed lives moving forward and it got me each time. If you ever saw me singing in my car, it was most likely to this song at a high volume (or a 90’s hip hop playlist). Their “letters” included a special picture from this year, a card explaining the lyrics and a special laminated (can you tell I got a laminator for Christmas?) picture with the lyrics overplayed for them to display somewhere they might need it.
Stay tuned for another blog post with one more special present I gifted this year. What was your favorite that you watched someone unwrap with love this year?
I’ve gotten a few messages from folks receiving our Christmas card checking in on us (thank you btw), where I expressed how hard it was for me to send the card knowing our family was in a state of crisis healing. But what I loved about the creation of the card was going through an entire year of photos and remembering some bright moments that occurred (darn it anxious feelings for taking those away from my frontal lobe).
A few other unexpected JOYS from this year:
The silliness of this crew (oh ya and our 3rd place finish – the best JOY yet)!
Throwbacks of me and Beej.
Decorating my hallway/door at school.
Capturing my SC fits on tik Tok (tik Tok in general brings me joy).
Holiday decor at Gramma’s.
Chats (and silly photos to past players) with T!
My friendship with these ladies (and the Nelly concert that was 100/100)!
How loving and considerate this boy is.
When WG shows up!
My monthly calls with my school counseling soulmate!
From his perspective: Ketamine treatments (see part 1 for “what is ketamine”?) have been life changing for me. The treatments have allowed me to think clearly. It has taken my anxiety that i have had most of my life and made it almost non existent. The best way I can describe it is that I can finally breath, but not in the physical sense. I feel like I have clarity and a thousand pounds of gunk as been removed from my chest.
WB and I waiting for Dad after his last session!
NW ketamine has been amazing every step of the way. They have answered all my questions and took away any anxiety or nervousness i had about the process. Their clinic is so inviting and relaxing. The staff is incredible. You’re in a room with a nurse and you sit in a giant comfy chair. There are all kinds of essential oil scents to smell during the process.
During the infusion the only way I can explain it is you are seeing things through your minds eye. It is an out of body experience that is hard to describe. I never felt scared or unsafe. The nurse is always there in case you need to talk to them. One of the most impactful things for me was that I actually got to “talk” to my abuser and finally say no. Also during this process I was actually able to see in myself that I have worth. If you know me, that is not something I’ve ever done or thought.
PS. I listen to non lyrical Native American flute music on my AirPods during the session (he really felt you needed to know this part.)
Celebration lunch at Fogo De Chau in Bellevue.
How cool are these elevators?!?!?!
From my (wife’s) perspective: I have a lighter and more free husband after the last three weeks of treatment. PTSD and other mental health diagnoses can feel like a jail cell sometimes and can be incredibly isolating when others don’t know the heaviness of what is happening behind closed doors. He is slower to react and more gentle in his interactions with me and the kiddos. I am so grateful we have a supportive network that can suggest these modes of treatment and that we have the resources to seek them out for ourselves and our family. I am also grateful my husband loves me enough to listen to my ideas and try them out, making himself incredibly vulnerable to not only the action but me writing about it afterward (and just to reiterate, with his permission).
I know I have been absent on here the last couple of months – it is hard to discern what stories to share and what stories to keep private to protect the relationships and journeys of those I love and care for.
In usual end of year fashion, I look forward to publishing my yearly blog book and don’t want to miss out on a chance to tell some stories from this year – perhaps even with the purpose of sharing inspiration to others that could use it.
This year, my One Little Word was heal (read blog post here). Part of this was researching some alternative forms of healing to the usual suspects of medication and talk therapy. These forms of help definitely have a place in our world of mental health but what I am finding is that some mental health struggles can actually be resistant to this treatment or even worse, they can make some symptoms even worse.
My husband, who has struggled with mental health stemming from childhood trauma (his most accurate diagnosis would most likely be Complex-PTSD but very few clinicians give this diagnosis – especially to adults). After a rough patch this year, he agreed to try some alternative forms of treatment, including both Ketamine infusions and EMDR. I thought I would share a piece of his story (with his permission) about Ketamine, in case you or a loved one is also struggling with depression/anxiety that may be resistant to other forms of treatment.
Northwest Ketamine was recommended to us and he had a very good experience there. I will post a Part 2 with some of his own thoughts on the treatment.
Have you heard of Ketamine infusions before? If the answer is no and you or a loved one is struggling with mental health, remember to do some research and ask questions – there is more out there than medication and talk therapy!
I struggled with what to call the experience of WonderGIRL moving out of our house unexpectedly this last summer – although many writers talk about it as a transition (when your teen moves out or goes to college) defined as “the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another”….that just didn’t fit this particular experience.
Our experience was much less of a process and ongoing period but a jump off a cliff into the anxiety-ridden unknown. And as we move forward, I am going to write about this experience just from my point of view and not sharing a lot of details about her or her choices during this time – and the reason I’m writing about it at all is to practice my own form of self-care and survival and my own processing of disenfranchised grief that happened during this time.
At the end of July, WG decided she was ready for adulthood outside of our home. While I am sure she was fully convinced she had the skills necessary to do so at the time, I knew a different story but had no control one way or the other. In Brene Brown’s newest book (must-read BTW), she writes, “as it turns out, being able to see what’s coming doesn’t make it any less painful when it arrives.” Because the thing is, we PREPARED for this transition. We were talking about her adulthood with her therapist starting at the age of 16! We purchased a house to transition into a downstairs apartment for her. We had countless conversations spelling out (and acting out awkwardly) every hard thing she might encounter and how her emotions might react to front load her body’s reaction. We provided all the safety and the protection and the structure that all the books said we should.
The only picture I have of us during this time period. We saw each other less than 5 times in 5 months.
And I’m pretty sure the hurt and the grief was the same amount as folks that literally didn’t even see the cliff looming ahead. After she left, we tried to set up regular meeting times – they all fell through. After she left, I tried to text and remind her of our unconditional love – they weren’t returned. After she left, I checked my phone obsessively just for a sign that she was still alive or hadn’t ended up at the ER for suicidal thoughts. I felt twinges of hope when she sounded lucid and genuine and then waves of despair when I encountered the shell of a daughter I had raised for the last 7 years.
I truly felt like a failure – I did all the things that I knew how to do from countless trainings on the effects of trauma. I did all the things I thought I should do as a foster/adoptive mama. I advocated for her in all the ways I knew how to – and it still ended like this and her choices were that of any other kiddo aging out of foster care (I’ll share those devastating stats below) – so what was all the heartache, the criminal trial, the social workers, the allegations, the painful moments even for?!?!
This feeling (not her or her actions, just MY bodily response) sent me into a state of depression for quite a few months this Summer/Fall. People even reached out to me with typical requests to share my blog or talk to their friends about adopting or taking in teens with trauma and I told them I was the wrong person to ask – I would have told them to run the other way!!!!
I went to work and to volleyball and sometimes thought of nothing else besides returning to my bed and Netflix the second I could. I found small pockets of joy (especially during volleyball) that kept me going but was having a hard time. I found this image while scrolling social media and it resonated with me for that time period – like I’m going to work and outwardly showing signs of flourishing, but definitely ALSO in a period of depression.
And just in case someone you know is in a similar state, I thought I would share a little section titled “What helped me during this time period?” – my husband and WB understanding my grief and letting me be – check ins with our therapist – vocalizing my struggle to my colleagues and my volleyball team – adjusting my goals of movement and self-care to accurate standards (work out 1/week vs everyday for example) – texts that just say “checking in” without any judgement if I don’t respond – being clear with my boundaries (“I don’t want anyone to come in my room tonight”, “I can’t go to that family thing – you need to go without me.”)
Although WG didn’t technically age out while “in the system”, any history of foster care and a trauma-brain can contribute to these outcomes.
Again, I am writing about this experience just to process it for myself but also to highlight a journey that I don’t see revealed in many other places. Having a struggling adult child with mental health issues is SO ISOLATING – you care about their privacy and dignity with their own story and can’t share the same as with a little child, yet folks really don’t know how to help or what to say even if you do share. So you spare them that experience and say nothing…..
As I am still smack-dab in the middle of this transition, other things I’d like to document here: – what I learned (about myself, about young adults with her background, about our system) – the impact on my marriage
